Lighthouse Keeping Loonies

"Lighthouse Keeping Loonies"
5 episode
Original air dates	31 March 1975 (Monday — 9.05 p.m.)
Guest appearances
Corbet Woodall (as himself) (the "Newsreader") Patrick Moore (as himself) (the "Astronomer")

Lighthouse Keeping Loonies is an episode of the award-winning British comedy television series The Goodies.

This episode is also known as "The Lighthouse Men" and as "A Little Lighthouse Keeping" and also as "Lighthouse Loonies".

As always, the episode was written by members of The Goodies.

Plot

The Goodies are taken to a lighthouse for 5 years since Graeme signed them up for it, although Graeme then confesses that he thought the advert said "A little light housekeeping".

The lighthouse they are taken to is the sinister "Jollyrock Lighthouse", where lighthouse keepers have been disappearing. The Goodies enter the lighthouse via a zip-line, with Bill coming last in a large pair of underpants. Tim immediately proclaims himself 'Number 1', with Bill and Graeme as 'Number 2's'. Tim orders Graeme to light the lamp which, after some complaining, he does. Graeme tries to read a book by the lamp, creating interesting artistic animal shadow shapes as he tries to follow it around.

Bill objects to everything in the lighthouse being round. Even the cards and chessboard are round. After Tim serves him a round lemon meringue pie he chases him around the table, eventually splattering him with it. Graeme comes back down with his clothes in tatters, having been ravaged by moths. Bill then finds a book of sea shanties, in which they discover a song about the Jollyrock, which they commence to sing, in the hopes that it will lift their spirits, Unfortunately it has the opposite effect, as the song graphically tells of the terrors of the Jollyrock. Then Tim comes down with mumps and is forcibly quarantined in the lamp room.

While Tim moaning and yelling begging to come back down Graeme and Bill is playing cards & listening to the radio which just announced a warning that the shippings are heading for "Jollyrock Lighthouse". So they when upstairs to tend the lump then Tim crash in and yells "I SAID CAN YOU HEAR ME?!" and Bill saids "Yeah, Whats the matter?", Tim answers "The lumps busts." The Goodies try to fix it and nothing happen Graeme found the problem the lump run out of oil. Greame ordered Bill to get the barrel of oil unfortunately Bill threw it out because they had fish 'n chips for dinner and Bill accidently add fuel oil. so they gotta find another way to warn the ships Tim has got one send out a rocket but he light it inside the lighthouse instead of outside. Greame and Tim try to get the rocket out before it launch up in to air and tim put it out the window without letting it go. Graeme gets out the foghorn, but when he tries to stop it by unplugging it and smashing it, it continues to work. Tim finds the offending part, but when Graeme accidentally swallows it, he becomes the foghorn. He leans out of the window to warn the ships, but the foghorn stops and all he can do is quack. After he has a drink, this too stops.

There is a very heavy fog and several famous ships are coming near the lighthouse, such as the QE2 and the Britannia. As the Britannia passes, a white glove (presumably the Queen's) waves through the window and another hand (presumably the Duke of Edinburgh's) makes a rude gesture at Tim.Graeme sends Bill to dig under the lighthouse to find more fuel for the lamp. He then finds coal, but they can't light it since they have no matches and the lighter has no petrol. Eventually, Bill then finds oil, but Tim gets squirted with it. Once the lighter is full with oil, Tim goes to have a bath, whilst Graeme and Bill celebrate their find. Bill goes down to check the pressure, but he can't see, so he asks Graeme to drop the lighter though the opening to light his candle. They both suddenly realise, too late, that having lit a candle is very dangerous amongst the oil that Bill has found. All of a sudden there is a terrific roar and the lighthouse takes off at enormous speed.

A news broadcast is shown about the missing lighthouse, with Photofit pictures of the Queen and Prince Philip. Other items on the news broadcast included the following:

• a UFO 'sighting' of the lighthouse, where an inhabitant of the craft (Tim in the bath) is described as 'holding a rubber duck and wearing a hat of frilly pink plastic'. The chairman of the They've Already Landed society claims that this is the standard uniform of the Venusian space fleet.
• Religious groups are regarding this sighting as a second coming.
• Lastly, a new comet has been discovered, to the great excitement of astronomer Patrick Moore.

Meanwhile Bill and Greame plan to get back to earth in order to do so they turn it round and over balance the lighthouse even though they didn't tell Tim about the lighthouse flying in outer space. finally The Goodies orbiting the earth 100 and 30,000 feet and panicking as the lighthouse spinning out of control.

After a while, the lighthouse slows down enough to go into orbit around the Earth and lands on Nelson's Column, complete with pigeon — and, with no lighthouse to guide it, an ocean liner can be seen sailing along one of London's streets.

The song of the Jollyrock lighthouse

Written by Bill Oddie

• Graeme (singing):

"Oh the winds they do blow, and the seas they do roar."

• Tim, Graeme and Bill (singing):

"When you're stuck on a lighthouse, ten miles from the shore.

But you've heard of the Jollyrock, of that I am sure.

Go there and your loved ones, will see you no more."

• Tim, Graeme and Bill (losing heart):

"Oh, don't go to the Jollyrock, whatever you do.

I wouldn't go near it if I was you."

• Graeme (singing):

"So away from the Jollyrock I advise you to race."

• Tim (singing):

'"It's utterly appalling and not at all nace."

• Bill (singing):

"For nasty things happen there, it's such a disgrace."

• Tim, Graeme and Bill (singing)

"Cause people get killed there all over the place!"

• Tim, Graeme and Bill (singing full cheer):

"Oh, don't go to the Jollyrock, whatever you do.

I wouldn't go near it, if I was you."

• Tim (speaking)

"Oh, the next verse is censored because it's too horrible even to talk about!"

• Bill (losing heart):

"Well blood will run cold , and your heart fill with dread."

• Graeme (losing heart):

"For the Jollyrock is plagued with the souls of the dead!"

• Bill (singing):

"If you stay there one night, you'll go clean off your head."

• Graeme and Bill (singing)

"And in no time at all, you will probably catch mumps."

• Graeme and Bill (stops singing with a confuseion)

"Mumps?"

• Tim (speaking, with mumps)

"That doesn't even rhyme!"

• Bill (screams)

"Look at that!, It's Happen!, He's got it!, He's got it!"

• Tim (speaking again with mumps)

"What?"

• Tim (yelling with mumps)

"I got mump!, Mumps!, I got mump!"

Music

• The music which is used for the carousel in the musical, and film, Carousel"

Notes

• The episode was shot in two separate sessions, as a result of union rules at the BBC concerning studio time overrunning.
• During the DVD audio commentary for this track, Bill Oddie describes the final special effect sequence - an ocean liner cruising through a London thoroughfare - as looking like "something Terry Gilliam knocked up".
• The Jolly Rock Lighthouse Song states that the Jolly Rock Lighthouse is 10 miles from the shore, contradicting Bill's earlier statement of being 25 miles off shore.
• Although Patrick Moore was happy to spoof himself in a number of episodes of The Goodies, when Tim Brooke-Taylor suggested making a lucrative television advertisement, Moore reportedly responded with "I'd rather be found dead in a ditch"!
• A Walk In the Black Forest, as used memorably in the 1970 episode Radio Goodies, resurfaces here, and gets an instant laugh from the audience.

DVD and VHS releases

Main article: The Goodies videography

This episode has been released on both DVD and VHS.

References

• "The Complete Goodies" — Robert Ross, B T Batsford, London, 2000
• "The Goodies Rule OK" — Robert Ross, Carlton Books Ltd, Sydney, 2006
• "From Fringe to Flying Circus — 'Celebrating a Unique Generation of Comedy 1960-1980'" — Roger Wilmut, Eyre Methuen Ltd, 1980
• "The Goodies Episode Summaries" — Brett Allender
• "The Goodies — Fact File" — Matthew K. Sharp

External links

• Lighthouse Keeping Loonies at IMDb