Achewood Minor Characters

Minor Characters of Achewood

AKKOLADE

A cat, who with Bensington Butters and Ray is a member of the syndicate.

Dr. Andretti

A cat and one of the Achewood underground's foremost physicians. He was responsible for bringing Roast Beef back from the dead on more than one occasion. Dr. Andretti has an unfortunate habit of entering occupied bathrooms without knocking.

Andy

Another robot, basically just a box with legs. Apparently he doesn't like to hang out at Vlad's place too often and owns a red Fender Stratocaster which Vlad finds corny.

Arthur

A cat who is part of Pat's anger management class; wears star-shaped glasses. Seems overly enthusiastic about most things and is now verifiably gay.

Barry Bass

A fish who complains a lot. Acts friendly in order toget favours and listening time from people he meets.

Bensington Butters

A cat, who with AKKOLADE and Ray is a member of the syndicate. Bensington Butters was responsible for the Magreaux Dog prank that had Ray fearing for his life. He drives a red Bentley with the tag "CAVIAR" and prefers Hanna-Barbera to Disney. He has also recently been discovered to have less-then-refined manners. During a bizarre adventure with Ray he saw the precise moment of his death and became catatonic, but this was remedied by wiping his memory and making him believe he was a Michael Flatley-like Irish dancer.

Blister

The ghost of Todd the Squirrel's old friend Blister, back from the afterlife for reasons he does not remember. Blister speaks many languages, but not Chinese.[1] Blister's dialogue is in all caps and usually devoid of punctuation.

Cartilage Head

A nightclub performer whose antiquarian vaudeville act showcases his apparent lack of bones, possibly based on Valentin le Désossé, "the boneless man," who was a performer at the Moulin Rouge. After a performance, Cartilage Head tricked Ray into abandoning him as he lay dying. In the end, however, it was only to photograph him with the caption "I proved myself a coward who would desert a dying man."

Chris Onstad (Blog)

Creator of the Achewood strips. Though not a comic strip character in the strictest sense, he has appeared in at least three comic strips (from the neck down) and seems to be able to communicate with the stuffed animals and cats that make up the Achewood cast. (Sometimes by telephone, when serving as Roast Beef's publisher.) During the '05 holiday season, he cajoled a naked and sleepless Teodor into helping him pack Achewood merchandise for shipping. Chris's birthday is June 14th.

Charley "Little Nephew" Smuckles (Blog)

Ray's nephew, often at odds with Ray. Little Nephew is very impressionable. At one time a hip hop musician [2] (creating the album Fuck... Algebra! [3]), he has proven to be even more impressionable than his tender years would suggest. At one point, he began imitating his uncle Marion, and later became a goth [4]. It is assumed that he is no longer part of the goth clique as his recent blog entries have returned to pre-gothic levels of crassness. Little Nephew has most recently been seen selling joints in competition with Lyle and Ray. He has expressed interest in pursuing a relationship with Molly, without success. Until recently, he worked at Starbucks with her. He is currently employed as a delivery boy by "Colonel Luigi's", a fusion pizza place notable for the half Italian, half Chinese heritage of the proprietor, Luigi Wong.

Chucklebot

A robot who specializes in making people chuckle. During Téodor's party early in the comic, Chucklebot admitted to be gay. This has been the cause of mockery from Lie Bot in subsequent performances, though Chucklebot is a fair match for him.

Emeril LeGoinegasque and Robert L. "Spongebath" Dane (Emeril's Blog)

Two cats that Ray and Beef seem to be familiar with. Emeril is basically a cat that looks like Emeril Lagasse. In the alt-text of a 2004 strip, it was suggested that Emeril is a Melungeon. His speech appears to follow the syntax of a bastardized Middle English. Spongebath is a rather large cat that doesn't seem to do or say much and gets around by means of what appears to be a scooter. They are fans of The Tenmen, a musical group made up of cats with Rickenbacker musical equipment (even the drum). On recycling day, they like to go trashspotting with Roast Beef.

Leo Fontanette

A cat of Italian origin ("Fontanettini") who owned the Caddy dealership over in Pintado, and went to the same gym as Ray. When Leo and Beef met during Beef's first visit to the gym, Beef broke the code of the establishment and committed a major faux pas by complimenting Leo on his "rockin'" thighs. Shortly thereafter, Leo drove his car into a cornfield in a fit of rage (while cursing Ray and Beef), and died there from a heart attack.

Leon Sumbitches

Dr. Leon Adoso Sumbitches (IPA pronunciation: [su:m 'bæ tʃæ]), AKA Brian Wheat, is, according to a fictitious Wikipedia article appearing in the March 15, 2007 strip, the heir to the "legendary Adoso family oil fortune." He is also the composer of Gravity Train, a song about the struggles he feels as an old man approaching his final days. Dr. Sumbitches contacted Ray on March 5, 2007, in an attempt to expatriate some portion of the family's fortune, a scheme highly resonant of many Nigerian email scams. When Sumbitches discovered the truth about Ray's tongue-in-cheeck responses concerning opening an African burrito chain, he told him personally about his disappointment and informed him that he had just lost the opportunity of inheriting part of the fortune.

Lie Bot

A robot that tells lies much of the time. He intersperses snippets of truth as well, so it can be hard to tell when he is actually lying — in fact, despite his name and knowledge of previous lies, the non-robot characters invariably believe him. His attitude moves from playfully cynical to displaying actual evil intent (While masquerading as Ray's Uncle Culpepper, he steals Ray's girlfriend and shoots Roast Beef). Phillipe is often the main victim of his lies. A running joke of the series features Phillipe asking Lie Bot what the saddest thing in the world is, only to be horrified by his answers.

Michael "Showbiz" Kazenzakis

Roast Beef's deadbeat twin brother, he is identical to Roast Beef but with hair pulled back into a ponytail. He and Ray seem to have also been friends during childhood, spending much of their time making up cocktails. He is perpetually in deep debt to the Rockford Fosgate Company, a car-audio manufacturer, despite his lack of a car. Showbiz tends to be unwilling or unable to hold down a steady job, generally working as a dishwasher or similar unskilled position although he occasionally panhandles.

Milklin Honniker

A cat who has had an unfortunate time attempting to sell things door to door (car seat covers, bird roasters, Jehovah's Witnesses membership, and books for children in "nontraditional family situations"). Most recently he was trying to convince Roast Beef to become a Jehovah's Witness. Ray decided to give him business advice, which Milklin gladly followed. He took out an ad in "Reminiscence" Magazine[5].

Peter H. "Nice Pete" Cropes (Blog)

A cat, Nice Pete is a convicted felon, a sex offender and a serial murderer. His motherless upbringing in rural West Virginia was highly dysfunctional and Onstad's strips about Nice Pete are done in the style of Faulkner. He made friends with Pat when they were ellmates in prison. In person he tends to be quite mild-mannered and pleasant, though temperamental, and anexterme misogynist[6]. He is quite creative, which he applies to his many bizarre murders, but also to art, music and his writing: he has written several pieces of Bible fan fiction, and is currently working on a novel consisting of several short chapters which can be read in his blog, and is now for sale. He is available for services involving self-mutilation, for a price. Apparently lives with Pat, though the exact nature of this arrangement is not clear.

Recently, his brain and butt cheeks were "hella stabbed" by a USB vegetable cutter. He drives a 1961 Ford Econoline with a manual transmission, which he has used to kill his dentist.

Penny

A woman with whom Téodor had an online relationship. The two have never actually met, though Penny did give Téodor what appears to be a sweater with the letter 'T' on it. He wears the sweater in almost every strip in which he appears.

Philippe's Mother

A river otter, probably stuffed, who is Philippe's mother. She has a habit of sending Philippe various things mostly having to do with how Philippe is a "Special Boy." Is a widow and seeing someone new, much to Philippe's dismay, and was also hit on by Vlad at one point. A guest strip by Drew Weing depicting the "filming" of Achewood revealed her to be an abusive "Mommy Dearest" type stage mother; it was given high praise by Onstad but was never firmly established to be canon. According to Philippe in The Achewood Cookbook, she lives somewhere in Iowa.

Ramses Luther Smuckles

Ray's father. Champion of the 1973 Great Outdoor Fight under the pseudonym Rodney Leonard Stubbs. Called "The Man With The Blood On His Hands", and "the Thomas Edison of handing a dude his ass" because of his unparalleled original fighting style, which included at one time throwing a beer through someone's entire head. Son of legendary bluesman Antonyne Cheops "Rustmouth Chafings" Smuckles, who died at Ramses' wedding.

Rod Huggins

A gay porn star. Téador nearly stars alongside him at one point, and he later meets Pat who is a big fan. They are now tentatively pusuing a relationship together.

Simon Reynolds

Pat's father, a friendly bohemian children's entertainer. Years ago, Pat performed with him in an act known as "Dreamwheel and the Child", but once Simon came out as a homosexual Pat rejected him, forcibly moving him to Portland, Oregon. Simon traces his sexual orientation back to the story of the Gladdington Castle curse of 1328, where the King of England, with his dying breath, condemned the entire male lineage of the Reynolds family to become homosexual upon turning 26. He reappeared in Achewood to help his son adjust to the effects of the curse, with relative success, but Pat seems no more accepting of his father than before, instantly criticising him for being a poor representative of the homosexual community. Simon's lover is a man named Marcel.

Sondra Smuckles

Raymond's mother. Her speech is often peppered with gentle admonitions of her son, advice on manners, and bizarre folk wisdom.

Syndicate, the

A group of animal entrepreneurs, including Ray Smuckles, Bensington Butters, and AKKOLADE, although there are possibly more. Each member of the group tries to outdo the others by performing more and more outrageous publicity stunts, although there is a fair share of underhanded tricks and pranks as well, in order to shake up opposition.

The Tenmen

A local three-piece band. Made up of black cats and playing exclusively Rickenbacker instruments, the Tenmen have played local bars, Ray's parties, and the Great Outdoor Fight. Roast Beef is a huge fan, although Ray, apparently, is not.

Tina

A cat with whom Ray has an on-again, off-again relationship. For a time, Tina lived with Molly, who considered her to be "the very definition of lowest common denominator." Tina's birthday is March 2nd, though she'd have another one at September 26th as far as Ray's concerned.

Trouble Man and No-No

Two ghastly characters who are the last ones left in Heaven when Roast Beef arrives[7], everyone else having been consumed by an apartment fire and sent back to earth. They are commissioned by Roast Beef to perform the "murder act" on him in order to return to Earth.

Todd T. Squirrel

Todd is an illiterate, drug-dealing, often violent squirrel. His illiteracy has probably led him to be one of the few recurring characters to not have a blog. He is a heavy drug user (and dealer), and has a characteristic stuttering problem. He has a two-panel tattoo of Kiss going to the grocery store and comparing their genitalia to yams, although this has not yet been seen by readers. drives a miniature squirrel-sized van[8], and is friends with Philippe. He put on some weight during a stint in prison[9] but then lost the weight from having sex [10]. Todd purportedly came into being when a stork dropped a burrito into a volcano[11]. 100 minutes later, Todd emerged, not knowing who he was. The stork, thinking that Todd had eaten the burrito, called Todd an "asshole" and a "jerkwad". Todd took this as an explanation of who he was, and consequently became a jerkwad. He then strangled the stork, whose lifeless body morphed into Todd's van. Todd died in November 2006 after forgetting to store food for the winter because he was busy watching America's Funniest Home Videos [12] but he later came back to life after serving a mandatory three month stint in heaven [13]. Todd T Squirrel is mentioned as having died before by being run over by a car in the story arc Ray Goes To Hell so dying may be a regular occurrence for him [14]. Todd is a black squirrel, a species notably not native to California.

Ultra Peanut

A young female river otter who comes from China. Her English is improving,. She seems to be fond of Philippe, (who Teodor introduced her at a party he hosted) but also somewhat patronizing and amused by his naivete. She has a small digital pet called Click Robot which, as Philippe discovered, dies if it goes to the bathroom too much.

Uncle (Marion Adonis) Culpepper

Raymond's effete Southern gentleman uncle, likely modeled after a Mark Twain character type. He visits Ray after losing his fortune in a dot-com venture, one in which buyers would pay a fee to have their image photomanipulated to make them appear pregnant. He was ostensibly shot by Ray after an altercation over an affair between Culpepper and Tina.[15] [16] Following the incident, it was discovered that it was rather Lie Bot who had been shot, while impersonating Uncle Culpepper, making much of what we know about him suspect.

Vlad

A robot and womanizer. He has a strong Eastern European accent, and is apparently Ukrainian. Though his current occupation is unknown, he was once proprietor of one of at least three Subway sandwich shops in the Achewood underground. He once made a pass at Philippe's mother over the phone. He maintains a friendship with the other robot characters of the strip, and has been known to give advice on women. He drives a fairly rare 1967 Datsun 521 pickup truck.

Waterbury

Ray's former butler, hired by Ray based on a suggestion by Bono's butler. Born in London and formerly employed by James Brown, he also works for a clandestine British government agency. While working for Ray, he had the misfortune of discovering Ray's somnambulistic and somnonanistic tendencies.

Zell and Cory

Two blind, horribly burned indigents of indeterminable species; one is confined to a wheelchair due to lack of legs while the other seems to be incapable of speaking. They suffered their injuries when the Lakeshore flophouse burned down in 2002. They have mentioned that they collect things, though exactly what it is they collect remains to be seen. It has been suggested that whatever they collect should probably not be placed in one's mouth. They are described as bearing fourth-degree burns from the fire and thus only leave their abandoned railway tunnel home on moonless nights to do their "collecting".

External links

• Achewood.com (official site)
• Achewiki — A wiki devoted to Achewood
• The Great Outdoor Fight - A fan-fiction wiki detailing the back-story of the Great Outdoor Fight
• Unofficial, unaffiliated fan-based message board
• A review of Achewood
• Review of the never-released collection from Checker Books
• Ray's Place
• An interview with Chris Onstad
• Interview by Brian M. Palmer