Russian jokes

Russian jokes or anekdoty (Russian: анекдо́ты), the most popular form of Russian humour, are short fictional stories or dialogues with a punch line. Russian joke culture features a series of categories with fixed and highly familiar settings and characters. Surprising effects are achieved by an endless variety of plots. Russians love jokes on topics found everywhere in the world, be it sex, politics, spouse relations, or mothers-in-law. This article discusses Russian joke subjects that are peculiar to Russian or Soviet culture.

Every category has a host of hopelessly untranslatable jokes that rely on linguistic puns, wordplay, and Russian's rich vocabulary of foul language. Below, (L) marks jokes whose humor value critically depends on untranslatable features of the Russian language.

Stereotypes

Fixed characters

Standartenführer Stirlitz

Standartenführer Stirlitz, alias Colonel Isayev is a character from a Soviet TV series (based on a novel by Yulian Semyonov) played by the popular actor Vyacheslav Tikhonov about a Soviet spy who infiltrates Nazi Germany. Stirlitz interacts with Nazi officials Ernst Kaltenbrunner, Martin Bormann and Heinrich Müller. Usually two-liners told in parody of the stern and solemn announcement style of the background voice in the original series, the plot is resolved in grotesque plays on words or in dumb parodies of over-smart narrow escapes and superlogical trains of thought of the "original" Stirlitz.

• Müller returns to his office and sees Stirlitz kneeling in front of the safe. "What are you doing here?" asks Müller. / "I'm waiting for the tram." / "Ah, I see," says Müller and walks out. "...Wait a minute, how can a tram go through my office?" Müller soon realises and rushes back, but Stirlitz has disappeared. "He caught the tram, then," thinks Müller.

• During the ceremony on the occasion of Hitler's birthday, Stirlitz sees "Stirlitz is an asshole!" written in chalk on a nearby wall. ...And only Stirlitz knew that he has been awarded the title of Hero of the Soviet Union.

• (L) "Stirlitz! You are a Jew!", suddenly barks Müller. "No way, I'm a proud Russian one," briskly retorts Stirlitz, and Müller responds: "Well, I'm a German one."

• Stirlitz sits in his office. Someone knocks. "It's Bormann," thinks Stirlitz. "Yes, it's me," thinks Bormann.

• Stirlitz blasted the door open with a mighty kick and discreetly tiptoed toward Müller who was reading a paper.

Poruchik Rzhevsky

Poruchik (lieutenant) Rzhevsky is a fictional cavalry officer interacting with characters from the novel War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. In the aristocratic setting of high-society balls and 19th century social sophistication, Rzhevsky, famous of brisk but not very smart remarks, keeps ridiculing the decorum with his vulgarities. As it was fashionable among the Russian nobility at the time to speak French, Rzhevsky occasionally uses French expressions, of course with a heavy Russian accent. The Poruchik himself (or rather, his name) became a popular joke character after the 1962 release of the comedy/romance/adventure movie Hussar Ballad set in the context of the Patriotic War of 1812.

• Kniaz Obolenski asks Poruchik Rzhevsky: "Tell me, Poruchik, how come you're so good with the ladies? Tell me your secret!" / "It's quite simplement, Kniaz, quite simplement. I just come over and ask: 'Let's boink!'" / "But Poruchik, you can get slapped in the face like that!" / "Oui, some slap, but some boink!"

• Poruchik Rzhevsky asks his aide: "Stepan, there is a grand ball tonight. Have you got a new pun for me to tell there?" — "Sure, master, how about this song: 'Adam had Eve... right on the eve... of their very last day in the Eden...'" — "A good one!". Later, at the ball: "Messieurs, messieurs! My Stepan taught me a funny chanson ridicule: 'Adam boinked Eve early at the dawn...' Pardon, not like that... 'Adam and Eve all through the night ...' Er... Hell, of course they had sex, but it was absolutement splendid in the verse!"

• Poruchik Rzhevsky is dancing with Natasha Rostova at the Grand Ball and suddenly he needs to take a leak. Being polite, he says to his lady: "Natasha, I beg your pardon to take a brief leave to check on my horse." In five minutes he is back, wet from his spurs to epaulets. "Is it rainy, poruchik?" wonders Natasha. "No, windy, mademoiselle."

Rabinovich

Rabinovich, an archetypal Russian Jew, often an otkaznik (refusenik), who is refused permission to emigrate to Israel.

• Rabinovich fills out an application form. The official is skeptical: "You stated that you don't have any relatives abroad, but you do have a brother in Israel." / "Yes but he isn't abroad, I am abroad!"

• Seeing a pompous and luxurious burial of a member of the Politburo, Rabinovich sadly shakes his head: "What a waste! With all this money I could have buried the whole Politburo!"

Vovochka

Vovochka is the Russian equivalent of Little Johnny. He interacts with his school teacher, Marivanna, a spoken shortened form of Ms Mar'ya Ivanovna. The name itself is a highly dimunitive form (Vovochka<Vova<Volodya<Vladimir) which creates the "little boy" effect. His fellow students bear similarly dimunitive names, such as Mashen'ka (<Masha<Mariya), Peten'ka(<Petya<Pyotr), Vasen'ka(<Vasya<Vasilij), etc. This "little boy" name is used to contrast with Vovochka's wisecracking, very adult, often obscene statements. Some of these jokes also play on "Vovochka" being a diminutive for "Vladimir", the first name of the Bolshevik leader Vladimir Lenin (as exemplified by the first joke).

• Vovochka, having received an 'F' in math, gets back home depressed: "Mama, Mama, I have gotten an 'F' in math". "Ah, leave me alone, boy, as if it's not enough that your elder brother Sashka has thrown a bomb at the Tsar!!!" (a historical fact, Aleksandr Ulyanov was a bomb-thowing terrorist).

• In botany class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the blackboard: "Children, could someone tell me what this is?" Vovochka raises his hand: "It's a prick, Marivanna!" Mar'ya Ivanovna bursts into tears and runs out. In a minute the principal bursts in: "You, class 4-B, is the worst one in the entire school! Yesterday you broke the window, and today...," he glimpses at the blackboard, "...and today you draw a prick on the blackboard?!"

• The teacher asks the class to produce a word that starts with the letter "A"; Vovochka happily raises his hand and says "Asshole!". The teacher, shocked, responds "For shame! There's no such a word!". "That's strange," muses Vovochka, "the asshole exists, but the word doesn't?"

Per the last example, some jokes, no matter the characters, occasionally not only bear the surface humor value, but also raise, or play off of, interesting philosophical issues, often far deeper than those one would expect their characters to actually ponder.

There has also recently appeared a slew of jokes based on the fact that "Vovochka" can refer to Russian President Vladimir Putin.

• Since the election of Vladimir Putin as president, all jokes about Vovochka should be considered political.

Chapayev

Vasily Ivanovich Chapayev, a Red Army officer, was a hero of the Russian Civil War and lead character of a popular movie. Together with his aide Petka (Peter), Anka the machine-gunner (girl), and commissar Furmanov, he is very popular in Russian anecdotes. Most common topics are about their fight with the royalist White Army, Chapayev's futile attempts to enroll into the Frunze Military Academy, and the circumstances of his death while attempting to swim across the Ural River.

• "I flunked again, Petka. The question was about Caesar, and I told them it is a bay stallion from 7th cavalry squadron." / "My fault, Vasili Ivanovich, I've just moved him to the 6th!"

• Chapayev, Petka and Anka, in hiding from the Whites, are crawling across a field, first Anka, then Petka, then Chapayev. Petka says, "Anka, you lied to the Party about your proletarian descent! Your mother must have been a ballerina -- your legs are so slender!" Chapayev responds, "And your father, Petka, surely was a plowman: you are leaving such a deep furrow!"

• On the occasion of an anniversary of the October Revolution, Furmanov gives a political lecture to the rank and file: "...And now we are on our glorious way to the shining horizons of Communism!" / "How did it go?", Chapayev asks Petka afterwards. "Exalting!... But unclear. What the hell is a horizon?" / "See Petka, it is a line you may see far away in the steppe when the weather is good. And it's a tricky one -- no matter how long you ride towards it, you'll never reach it, you'll only wear down your horse." (Many other folk characters have starred in this joke as well, including Rabinovich.)

• A teacher learns that Vovochka's grandfather fought during the Russian Civil War. She ask him to come to the class on the eve of the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution and tell the kids about his memories. The old man stubbornly refuses, then reluctantly agrees. Kids meet him with excitement: "Say, gramps, did you see Chapayev with your own eyes?" / "Indeed I did. Here I am, lying behind a bump on the bank of the Ural river, a Maxim machine gun firmly in my hands. Suddenly I see someone swimming across. My Maxim goes 'tah-tah-tah-tah'. No more red swimmers!"

Fantomas

Some older jokes involve Fantomas, a fictional criminal and master of disguise from a French detective series by the same name, a TV series based on which was once wildly popular in Russia. His archenemy is Inspector Juve, charged with catching him. Fantomas's talent for disguise is usually the focus of the joke, allowing for jokes featuring all sorts of other characters:

• "Haha!" said Fantomas as he snuck out of Sophia Loren's bedroom and took off his Carlo Ponti mask. "Haha!" said Inspector Juve later as he snuck out of Sophia Loren's bedroom and took off his Sophia Loren mask.

• (From the days of Golda Meir) Fantomas sneaks into Mao Zedong's private chamber as the latter is on his deathbed, and takes off his mask. "Well, Petka, fate sure does has a way of scattering friends all over the world, doesn't it?", says Mao. "Ah, if you only knew, Vasily Ivanovich," responds Fantomas, "what our Anka has been up to in Israel!"

New Russians

New Russians, newly-rich, arrogant and poorly educated post-perestroika businessmen and gangsters, are a new and most popular category of characters in contemporary Russian jokes. A common plot is the interaction of a New Russian in his Mercedes with a regular Russian in his modest Soviet-era Zaporozhets after having had a car accident. The New Russian is often a violent criminal or at least speaks criminal argot, with a number of neologisms (or common words with skewed meaning) typical among New Russians. In a way, these anecdotes are a continuation of the Soviet-era series about Georgians, who were then depicted as extremely wealthy. The physical appearance of the New Russians is often that of overweight men with short haircut, thick gold chains and crimson jackets, with their fingers in the horns gesture, riding "600th Mers" and showing off their wealth.

• "Daddy, all my schoolmates are riding the bus, and I am the black sheep in this 600th Mers." / "No worries, son. I'll buy you a bus!"

• "Look at my new tie," says a New Russian to his colleague. "I bought it for 500 dollars in the store over there." "You got conned," says the other. "You could have paid twice as much for the same one just across the street!"

• What did the New Russian say to the Old Jew? "Can I borrow some money, Dad?"

Animals

Jokes set in the animal kingdom also feature stereotypes, such as the violent wolf, the sneaky (female) fox, the cocky coward rabbit, and the strong, simple-minded bear.

• The bear, the wolf, the rabbit and the fox are playing cards. The bear warns, shuffling: "No cheating! If I catch anyone cheating, I'll punch her in the face... that's right, her smug red-furred face!"

Drunkards

• Two drunks get onto a bus. One of them asks "Will this bus take me to 25th Street?" The bus driver says, "No, it won't." After a pause, the other man inquires "What about me?"

• A drunkard takes a leak by a lamp pole in the street. A policeman tries to reason him: "Can't you see the latrine is just 25 steps away?" The drunkard replies: "Do you think I got me a damn fire hose in my pants here?"

• Three drunks are crawling along the rail tracks. "What a long staircase they have here!" / "And the banisters are so cold!" / "Hey guys, it's alright, the elevator is coming!"

Policemen

These often revolve around the fact that the vast majority of Russian and Soviet militsiamen accept bribes. Also, they are not considered to be very bright.

• An intelligence test was conducted among the OMON (Russian Special forces) involving various sized round holes and square pegs. The conclusion states that the OMON can be divided into two groups: very dumb and very strong.

• Three prizes were awarded for the successes in Socialist competition of militsia department #18. The third prize is the Complete Works of Vladimir Lenin. The second prize is 100 roubles and a ticket to Sochi... The first prize is a portable Stop Sign. (There are several of versions with this punch line about stop sign. This one depicts some other Soviet peculiarities.)

Q: Why does the militsiaman uniform have five metal buttons on the cuffs of the sleeves?

A: To prevent him from wiping his nose with the sleeve.

Q: Why are these buttons so shiny?

A: They wipe their noses with their sleeves anyway.

• A person on the bus tells a joke: "Do you know why policemen always go in pairs?" / "No, why?" / "Specialization: one knows how to read, and another knows how to write." / A hand promptly grabs him by the shoulder -- a policeman is standing right behind him! "Your papers!" he barks. The hapless person surrenders his papers. The policeman opens them, reads, and nods to his partner: "Write him up, Vasya."

Army sergeants

Probably any nation big enough to have an army has a good deal of its own barracks jokes. Other than for plays on words, these jokes are usually international. In the Soviet Union, however, military service was universal (for males), so most people could relate to them. In these jokes a sergeant, the traditional perpetrator of dedovshchina, is an archetypal bully of limited wit.

There is an enormous number of one-liners, supposedly quoting a sergeant:

• Private Ivanov, dig a trench from me to the next scarecrow!"
• Private Ivanov, dig a trench from the fence until lunch!"

The punchline from the latter has become a well-known Russian cliché for a meaningless job.

Some of them are philosophical, and apply not only to sergeants.

• Scene One: A tree. An apple. An ape comes and starts to shake the tree. A voice from the above: "Think, think!" The ape thinks, grabs a stick, and hits the apple off. / Scene Two: A tree. An apple. A sergeant comes and starts to shake the tree. A voice from the above: "Think, think!" / "No time to think, gotta shake!".
• Sergeant to privates: "Write down: the temperature of boiling water is 90°." One of the privates replies, "Comrade sergeant, you're mistaken - it's 100°!" The sergeant checks in the book, and then replies, "Right, it's 100°, I've got it confused with right angles."

Until shortly before perestroika, all fit male students of higher education had obligatory military courses from which they graduate as junior officers in the military reserve. A good deal of sergeant/officer jokes originated there.

• "Soviet nuclear bombs are 20% more efficient than the Atomic Bombs of the most probable adversary. American bombs have 4 zones of effect: A, B, C, D, while ours have five: А, Б, В, Г, Д!"
• "A nuclear bomb falls exactly on the epicenter."
• "Student, justify why you have come to class wearing pants produced by our most likely military opponent!"
• "Suppose we have a unit of M tanks... no, M is not enough. Suppose we have a unit of N tanks!"
• "The attack is signaled with three green sirens into the zenith."

There is also an eternal dispute between servicemen and civilians:

• Civilian: "You sergeants are dumb. We civilians are smart!" / Sergeant: "If you are so smart, then why don't you march in files?"

Ethnic stereotypes

Russia (and especially the former Soviet Union) has been multiethnic for many centuries, and throughout their history several ethnic stereotypes have developed, often shared with those produced by other ethnicities (with the understandable exception of the ethnicity in question, but not always).

Chukchi

Chukchi, the native people of Chukotka, the most remote northeast corner of Siberia, are the most common minority targeted for generic ethnic jokes in Russia -- many other nations have a particular one they make fun of (c.f. Poles in American humor, Belgians in French humor). In jokes, they are depicted as generally primitive and simple-minded, but clever in a naive kind of way.

• "Chukcha, why did you buy a fridge if it's so cold in tundra?" / "Why, is minus fifty Celsius outside, is minus ten inside, is minus five in the fridge - a warm place!"

• A Chukcha applies for membership in the Union of Writers, the Soviet state-controlled authors' labor union. He is asked what literature he is familiar with. "Have you read Pushkin?" "No." "Have you read Dostoevsky?" "No." "Can you read at all?" The Chukcha, offended, replies, "Chukcha not reader, Chukcha writer!"

• A Chukcha goes to a department store and asks the clerk "Do you have color televisions?" The clerk says yes, they do. "Okay, then, I'll take a green one."

Chukchi do not miss their chance to retaliate.

• A Chukcha and a Russian go hunting polar bears. They track one down at last. Seeing the bear, the Chukcha shouts "Run!" and starts running away. The Russian shrugs, raises his gun and shoots the bear. "You say you Russians are so smart," says the Chukcha. "Now you haul this bear ten miles to the yaranga yourself!"

Chukchi in jokes, due to their innocence, often see the inner truth of situations.

• A Chukcha returns home from Moscow to great excitement and interest. "What is socialism like?" asks someone. "Oh,", begins the Chukcha in awe, "There, everything is for the betterment of Man. I even saw that Man himself!"

Ukrainians

Ukrainians are depicted as rustic, greedy and fond of bacon, and their accent, which is imitated in jokes, is perceived as funny.

• A Ukrainian and an African are sitting in a train compartment. The African takes out a banana. The Ukrainian wonders what that is, and the African shares his banana with him. The Ukrainian then takes out some bacon. The African wonders what that is and asks if he may try it. The Ukrainian replies "It's just common bacon, why try it?"

In addition, Ukrainians are perceived to bear a grudge against Russians (Moskali.)

• The Soviet Union has launched the first man into space. A Ukrainian peasant, standing on top of a hill, shouts over to another Ukrainian on another hill to tell the news. "Mikola!" / "Yes!" / "The Russians have flown into space!" / "All of them?" / "No, not all of them!" / "So why are you bothering me?"

Georgians

Georgians are depicted as masculine and hot-blooded. Recently they are often depicted homosexual (earlier this trait was attributed only to Armenians). A very loud and theatrical Georgian accent, including the grammatical errors typical of Georgians, and occasional Georgian words is considered funny to imitate in Russian and often becomes a joke in itself. For instance, the first joke below uses genatsvale, the Georgian equivalent of American English buddy, and Georgian "M"-reduplication, akin to Shm-reduplication in Yiddish and English.

In Soviet times, Georgians were also perceived as running a black market business. It should however be noted that at that time Russians often applied the word "Georgians" (gruziny) to all people from the Caucasus, regardless of their actual nationality. There is a joke, probably based on a real event, that in some police reports they are termed as "persons of Caucasian nationality". In Russia itself, most people saw "persons of Caucasian nationality" mostly at marketplaces selling fruits and flowers.

• A plane takes off from the Tbilisi airport in Georgia. A passenger storms the pilot's cabin, waving a AK-47 gun and demanding that the flight be diverted to Israel. The pilot shrugs OK, but suddenly the hijacker's head falls off his shoulders, and a Georgian pops from behind with his blood-drenched dagger, and a huge suitcase: "Listen here genatsvale, no any Israel-Misrael, fly Moscow nonstop, my roses are fading!"

Armenians

Armenians are often used interchangeably with Georgians, sharing the some of stereotypes. However their unique context is the fictitious Armenian Radio, usually telling political jokes (see below).

Estonians

Estonians, allegedly rustic and mean, are depicted as having no sense of humour and being stubborn and taciturn. The Estonian accent, especially its sing-song tune and the lack of genders in grammar, forms part of the humour. Their common usage of geminates both in speech and orthography (e.g. Tallinn, Saaremaa) also led to the stereotype of being slow in speech, thinking and action.

• An Estonian stands by a railway track. Another Estonian passes by on a hand car, pushing the pump up and down. The first one asks: "Iis iit faaar tooo Tallinn?" — "Noot faaar." He gets on the car and joins pushing the pump up and down. After two hours of silent pumping the first Estonian asks again: "Iis iit faaar tooo Tallinn?" — "Nooow iiit's faaaar."

• A promotion from Estonian mobile phone providers: the first two hours of a call are free.

Jews

Jewish humour is a highly developed subset of Russian humor, created largely based on the Jews' self-image. These Jewish anecdotes are not the same as anti-Semitic jokes. Instead, whether told by Jews or non-Jewish Russians, these jokes show cynicism, self-irony and wit that is characteristic of Jewish humour both in Russia and elsewhere in the world, see Jewish humor.

• Avram cannot sleep, rolling about from side to side... Finally his wife Sarah protests: "Avram, what's bugging you?" / "I owe Moishe 20 roubles, but I have no money. What shall I do?" / Sarah bangs on the wall and shouts to the neighbors: "Moishe! My Avram still owes you 20 roubles? Well he isn't giving them back!" Turning to her husband she says: "Sleep, Avram! Now let Moishe lose sleep!"

• Avram lays dying. "Sarah, are you here?" he asks. "Yes, I'm here." "Is Moishe here?" "Yes, he's here." "Is Rebecca here?" "She's here too." "Are the cousins here?" "Of course." "And all the grandchildren too?" "Here they are." "Then who's left in the shop?"

Chinese

Russian stereotypes about Chinese are probably the same as elsewhere in Western world: enormous numbers of Chinese people, their unusually sounding language, and that Chinese are smart, cunning, industrious, and hard-working. They are capable of amazing feats by primitive means (e.g., from the history of the The Great Leap Forward).

• During the Damansky Island incident the Chinese military developed three main strategies: The Great Offensive, The Small Retreat, and Infiltration by Small Groups of 1-2 Million across the Border.
• When a child is born in a Chinese family, there is an ancient tradition: a silver spoon is dropped on the jade floor. The sound the spoon makes will be the name of the newborn.
• The first report of the first Taikonaut: "Devices OK, boiler-men on duty!"
• A good deal of jokes are puns based on the fact that a certain widespread Chinese syllable sounds exactly as the Russian obscene word for penis (хуй). For this reason since cca. 1956 the Russian-Chinese dictionaries render the Russian transcription of this syllable as "хуэй" (huey), the most insulting case probably being the word "socialism" (社会主义; pinyin: shè huì zhǔ yì), rendered previously as "шэ-хуй-чжу-и".

Russians

Russians are a stereotype in Russian jokes themselves when set next to other stereotyped ethnicities. Thus, the Russian appearing in a triple joke with two other Westerners, like a German, French, American or Englishman, will provide for a self-ironic punchline depicting him as simple-minded and negligently careless but physically robust, which often ensures he retains the upper hand over his naive Western counterparts.

• A French, a German, and a Russian go on a safari and are trapped by cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who says, "We are going to eat you right now. But I am a civilized man, I studied human rights at the Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow, so I'll grant each of you the last wish." The German asks for a mug of beer and a bratwurst. The French asks for three girls. Both of them get theirs and enjoy it. The Russian asks: "Hit me hard, right on my nose." The chief is surprised, but hits him. The Russian pulls out a Kalashnikov and shoots all the cannibals. When the stunned German asks him why he didn't do this earlier, the Russian proudly replies: "Russians are not aggressors!"

Also when set against own minorities, Russians make fun of themselves.

• A boy asks his father: "Dad, are we Russians or Jews?" / "Why are you asking?" / "A kid downstairs offers his bike for sale, and I'm trying to decide — should I bargain over it and buy it, or steal it and break it?"

• A Chukcha sits on the shore of the Bering Strait. An American submarine emerges. The American captain opens the hatch and asks: "Where did the Soviet submarine go?" The Chukcha replies: "North-North-West, bearing 149.5 degrees" "Thanks!" says the American, and the submarine submerges. Ten minutes later a Soviet submarine emerges. The Russian captain opens the hatch and asks the Chukcha: "Where did the American submarine go?" The Chukcha replies: "North-North-West bearing 149.5 degrees" "Stop pulling my leg," says the Russian. "Just point with your finger!"

Political jokes

Every nation is fond of this category, but in the Soviet Union telling political jokes was in a sense an extreme sport (like mountaineering): according to Article 58 (RSFSR Penal Code) "anti-Soviet propaganda" was a capital offense.

• An advisor asks Party Chairman Leonid Brezhnev: "Leonid Ilyich, I've heard you are a great fan and collector of political anecdotes? How many do you have already?" / "Twelve labor camps!"

Communism

According to Marxist-Leninist theory, communism in the strict sense is the final stage of a society's evolution after passing through the socialism stage. The Soviet Union thus cast itself a socialist country trying to build communism, the utopian classless society.

• "Is it true that when communism comes we will be able to order our food via the telephone?" / "Yes, and we will enjoy it via the television."

• Breshnev is making a speech in Red Square, proclaiming the glories of the current Five-Year Plan: "In the near future, comrades, every Soviet citizen will have his own airplane!" Suddenly, from the rear of the crowd, an unseen heckler calls out, "What good does that do? There aren't even any potatoes in the stores!" Without missing a beat, an unperturbed Breshnev replies, "You idiot! Of course you need a plane. Suppose you live in Moscow and they get a shipment of potatoes in Vladivostok!"

• After waiting five hours in a line to buy meat, in the dead of winter, Igor begins to snap. He starts jumping up and down, yelling, "I can't stand it anymore! Communism is the worst! This system is totally corrupt! It stinks!" After a couple of minutes, a grim-looking type in a black trenchcoat approaches Igor, shakes his head slowly, points his finger to Igor's temple mimicking a pistol, then walks off without saying a word. Igor comes home especially dejected. His wife asks, "What's the matter? Are they out of meat again?" "Worse," Igor says. "They're out of ammunition."

• The six paradoxes of communism:

Everyone has a job, but no one actually does any work.

No one actually does any work, but production targets are always reached.

Production targets are always reached, but the shops are always empty.

The shops are always empty, but everyone has all they need.

Everyone has all they need, but no one is happy.

No one is happy, but they always vote the Communists back in.

Satirical verses and parodies made fun of official Soviet propaganda slogans.

• (L) "Lenin is dead, but his cause lives on!"

Rabinovich notes: "I would prefer it the other way round."

What a coincidence: "Brezhnev is dead, but his body lives on."

(extra comedic effect is achieved by the fact that the words cause (delo) and body (telo) rhyme in Russian.

• Lenin coined a slogan on how to achieve the state of communism through rule by the Communist Party and modernization of the Russian industry and agriculture: "Communism is Soviet government plus electrification!" The slogan was subject to popular mathematical scrutiny: "Consequently, Soviet government is communism minus electrification, and electrification is communism minus Soviet government."

• Ridiculing the tendency to praise the Party left and right:

The winter's passed,

The summer's here.

For this we thank

Our party dear

Some jokes allude at notions long forgotten. Survived, they are still funny, but may look strange.

• Q: Will there be KGB in communism?

A: As you know, in communism, the state will be abolished, together with its means of suppression. People will know how to self-arrest themselves.

The original version was about Cheka. To fully appreciate this joke, a person must know that during the Cheka times, in addition to standard taxation of peasants, they were often forced to perform "samooblozhenie" ("self-taxation") -- after delivering a regular amount of agricultural products, prosperous peasants, especially those declared to be kulaks were expected to "voluntarily" deliver the same amount again; sometimes even "double samooblozhenie" was applied.

Gulag

• Abramovich was sentenced to 5 years, served 10, then fortunately was released ahead of the time.

• Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it true that conditions in our labor camps are excellent?" Armenian Radio answers: "It is true. Five years ago a listener of ours raised the same question and was sent to one to investigate the issue. He hasn't returned yet; we are told he liked it there so much."

Armenian Radio

Questions and answers on the fictitious "Armenian Radio" or "Radio Yerevan" are known even outside Russia.

Q: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is in the USA?
A: In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. Just the same, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.

Q: Which contraceptive is the best?
A: Drinking tomato juice.
Q2: Before or after sex?
A2: Instead of.

Political figures

Politicians form no stereotype as such in Russian culture. Instead, historical and contemporary Russian leaders are portrayed with emphasis on their own unique characteristics. At the same time, quite a few jokes about them are remakes of jokes about earlier generations of leaders.

• Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are all travelling together in a railway carriage. Unexpectedly the train stops. Stalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, "Shoot the driver!" But the train doesn't start moving. Khrushchev then shouts, "Rehabilitate the driver!" But it still doesn't move. Brezhnev then says, "Comrades, Comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and pretend we're moving!"

Lenin

A popular joke set-up is Lenin, leader of the Russian revolution of 1917, interacting with the head of the secret police, Dzerzhinsky in the Smolny Institute, seat of the revolutionary communist government in Petrograd.

• During the famine of the civil war, a delegation of starving peasants comes to the Smolny and wishes to file a petition. "We have even started eating the grass like horses," says one peasant. "Soon we will start neighing like horses!" "Come on! Don't worry!" says Lenin reassuringly. "We are drinking tea with honey here, and we are not buzzing like bees, are we?"

Stalin

Jokes about Stalin are of morose, dark humour, Stalin's words told with a heavy Georgian accent.

• "Comrade Stalin! This man is your exact double!" / "Shoot him!" / "Maybe we should shave off his moustache?" / "Good idea! Shave it off and then shoot him!".

• Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.) Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"

Khrushchev

Jokes about Khrushchev are often related to his attempts to reform the economy, especially to introduce maize (corn). He was even called kukuruznik (maizeman). Other jokes address crop failures due to mismanagement of the agriculture, his innovations in urban architecture, his confrontation with the US while importing US consumer goods, his promises to build communism within 20 years, or just his baldness, rude manners, and womanizing ambitions. Unlike other Soviet leaders, in jokes he is always harmless.

• Why was Khrushchev deseated? Because of the Seven "C"s: Cult of Stalin, Communism, China, Cuban Crisis, Corn, and Cuzka's mother (In Russian this is the seven "K"s. To "show somebody Kuzka's mother" is a Russian idiom meaning "to punish". Khrushchev had used this phrase during a speech at the United Nations General Assembly referring to the Tsar Bomba test over Novaya Zemlya).

• - What did Khrushchev fail to achieve?

- Building a bridge along the Moscow River, combining a bathtub with a flush toilet, and splitting the Ministry of Transportation into the Ministry of Arrivals and the Ministry of Departures. (The bathtub-toilet combination pokes at the combined bathroom-and-restrooms in Khrushchev's mass-built cheap apartment blocks. Russians traditionally prefer the two to be separate.)

• Q: Who is the greatest magician in the Soviet Union? A: Khrushchev: he sows in Kazakhstan and harvests in Canada.", a reference to the Soviet Union's need to import grain from North America.

Brezhnev

Brezhnev was depicted as a dim-witted, suffering from dementia, with delusion of grandeur.

• Brezhnev keeps addressing Indira Gandhi as "Mrs Thatcher" in a speech, shouting at his advisors "I can see it's Gandhi, in my speech it says Thatcher."
• At the 1980 olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech. "O!" -- applause. "O!" -- more applause. "O!" -- yet more applause. "O!" -- an ovation. "O!!!" -- the whole audience stands up and applauds. An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, "Leonid Ilyich, that's the olympic logo, you don't need to read it!"
• (L) "Leonid Ilyich!..." / "Come on, no formalities among comrades. Just call me 'Ilyich' ". (Note: "Ilyich" by itself by default refers to Lenin.)
• "Leonid Ilyich is in surgery." / "Heart again?" / "No, chest expansion surgery: to fit one more Gold Star medal."
• To sum up the Russians' experience with political leaders thus far: Lenin showed how you can rule a country; Stalin showed how you should rule a country; Khrushchev showed that any moron can rule a country; Brezhnev showed that not every moron can rule a country.

Geriatric intermezzo

Party Chairman Leonid Brezhnev died in 1982. His successor, Yuri Andropov, died in 1984. His successor in turn, Konstantin Chernenko, died in 1985. Russians took great interest in watching the new sport at the Kremlin: coffin carriage racing. Rabinovich (see above) said he did not have to buy tickets to the funerals as he had a subscription to these events. As Andropov's bad health became common knowledge (he was attached to a machine by the end), several jokes made the rounds: "Comrade Andropov is the most turned on man in Moscow!" "Comrade Andropov is sure to light up any discussion!"

Gorbachev

Gorbachev was occasionally made fun of for his poor grammar, but perestroika-era jokes usually addressed actual absurd domestic policy measures as well as Soviet-American relations.

• Gorbachev and Reagan decide to exchange secretaries as a trust-building measure. After two weeks the American secretary writes back home, complaining that the Soviets make her wear longer and longer skirts, covering her feminine charms. Her Soviet counterpart in turn complains that the Americans insist on shorter and shorter skirts: "Soon they will see my balls and the holster." (This joke evolved from an earlier equivalent concerning Fantomas)

The Yeltsin era saw the revival of some old Brezhnev jokes, but again the focus was put on actual policies.

Political jokes under Vladimir Putin are also rather issue-based than personality-based.

KGB

Telling jokes about KGB was like pulling the tail of a tiger, but...

• A hotel. A room for four; four strangers. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka, get acquainted, drunk, and noisy, singing and telling jokes. The fourth one tries to get some sleep, finally, frustrated, he leaves the room and asks a maid to bring tea to Room 67 in 10 minutes. Then he comes back in, and 5 minutes later says loudly into an electrical outlet: "Comrade Major, tea to Room 67, please." In 5 minutes, a knock at the door, tea comes, the room falls dead silent. The next morning this guy wakes up, alone in the room. Surprised, he asks the maid where the neighbors are. "We've already checked them out", she answers. "And by the way, Comrade Major was rolling on the floor laughing after your joke with the tea."

Everyday Soviet life

• Q: What is the relationship between the ruble, the pound, and the dollar? A: A pound of rubles costs a dollar.
• Q: What is more useful — our newspapers or our television? A: Newspapers, of course; you can use them to wrap herring.
• A man walks into a store: "You don't have any meat, do you?" / "No, we don't have any fish. The store next door is the one that doesn't have any meat."

• A man is showing his friends around his new apartment. One of them asks, "How come you don't have any clocks?" The man responds, "But I do have one. I have a talking clock." / "But where?" / He takes a hammer and strikes a wall. From the other side of the wall, somebody yells, "It's 2AM, you bastard!"

Some jokes ridiculed the level of political indoctrination in the educational system of the Soviet Union:

• "My wife has been going to cooking school for three years." / "She must really cook well by now!" / "No, they've only reached the part about the Great October Socialist Revolution so far."

Others poked fun at the time it could take for consumer goods in the Soviet Union to be delivered:

• "Dad, can I have the car keys?" / "Ok, but don't lose them. We will get the car in just seven years!"

• Q: What is a Tundra toilet? A: Two poles. One to beat the wolves off, and one to hang your clothes.

Puns

Like everywhere else, a good deal of jokes in Russia are based on puns. Of course, 95% of humour is lost in translation, but...

• (L) The genitive plural of a noun (used with a numeral to indicate five or more of something, as opposed to the dual, used for two, three, or four, see Russian nouns) is a rather unpredictable form of the Russian noun, and there are a handful of words which native speakers have trouble producing this form of (either due to rarity or an actual lexical gap). A common example of this is kocherga (fireplace poker). The joke is set in a Soviet factory. Five pokers are to be requisitioned. The correct forms are acquired, but as they are being filled out, a debate arises: what is the genitive plural of kocherga? Kocherg? Kocherieg? Kochergov?... One thing is clear: a form with the wrong genitive plural of kocherga will bring disaster from the typically-pedantic bureaucrats. Finally, an old janitor overhears the commotion, and tells them to send in two separate requisitions: one for two kochergi and another for three kochergi. (In reality, a bureaucrat would likely resorting to a trick like "Kocherga: 5 items"; a similar story by Mikhail Zoshchenko involves yet another answer.)

Religion

A notable distinction of the Soviet humor is virtual lack of jokes on religious topics. Clearly, this is not because Russians are so pious. Those few are told in supposedly Church Slavonic language: archaic words are used and unstressed "o" is clearly pronounced as "o" (in modern Russian "Muscovite" speech it is reduced to "a") and rare names of distinctively Greek origin are used. Priests are supposed to speak in basso profondo.

• (L) At the lesson of the Holy Word: "Disciple Dormidontiy, pray tell me, is the soul separable from the body or not." / "Separable, Father." / "Verily speakest thou. Substantiate thy reckoning." / "Yesterday morning, Father, I was passing by your cell and overheard your voice voicing: (imitates bass) '...And now, my soul, arise and get thee dressed.' " / "Substantiatest... But in vulgar!" (The Russian phrase that translates literally as "my soul" is a term of endearment, often toward romantic partners, comparable to English "my darling")
• A lass in a miniskirt jumps onto a bus, the bus starts abruptly, and she falls onto the lap of a priest. She jumps up, surprised, looks down and says, "Whoa!" / "It's not a 'whoa', my daughter, but rather the key to the Cathedral of Christ the Saviour!"

Absurdity

A class of jokes relies on the uncategorizable absurdity of human life:

• Anguish: A house in the middle of a desolate steppe. A man walks out, yells at the top of his voice, "Darn you-u-u-u!". Waits for the echo: "you-u-u...". Satisfied, he goes back in.

• A man is driving along the highway. His rear axle falls off. "No problem," he thinks, "If I concentrate hard enough, there'll be someone with a rear axle for me after the next curve." Drives around the curve. No one. "Obviously I didn't concentrate hard enough. The next curve is it!". Drives around the next curve. A guy is standing there. The driver stops. "Well?" / "Leave me alone, will you? I don't have your rear axle!!"

Black humour

• An old woman stands in the market with a "Chernobyl mushrooms for sale" sign. A man goes up to her and asks, "Hey, what are you doing? Who's going to buy Chernobyl mushrooms?" And she tells him, "Why, lots of people. Some for their boss, others for their mother-in-law..."

University students

The life of most Russian university students is often associated with a lack of money, hunger, and other miserable conditions for many people coming from small towns and living in dormitories. State universities (the only type of universities in existence in Soviet times) are notable for carelessness about the students' comfort and the quality of food. Most jokes make fun of these grotesque conditions, inventive evasion by students of their academic duties or lecture attendance, and sometimes even about alcoholic tendencies of engineering students.

Also, there are a number of funny student obsessions such as zachetka (a transcript of grades, carried by every student), khalyava (a chance of getting good or acceptable grades without any effort) and getting a scholarship for good grades. Also, it should be noted that the standard exam format is usually a dialogue between the professor and the student, based on a set of questions written on a bilet (small sheet of paper, literally: ticket), which the student draws at random in the exam room, and is given some time to prepare answers for.

• A memo in a student dining hall: Students, do not drop your food on the floor, two cats have already died from eating it.

• A crocodile's stomach can stomach concrete. A student's stomach can stomach that of a crocodile.

• In a lecture there are 3 students in the class. Suddenly, 5 students stand up and leave. The professor thinks to himself, "If another 2 people come in, then there will be nobody listening."

• A professor is tired of talking to an ignorant student during an exam, and asks him, "What, in your opinion, is an exam?" / "It is a discussion of the subject matter between two intelligent people." / "What if one of those two is an idiot?" / "Then the other one will lose his scholarship."

Abstract jokes

"Abstract joke" (or "abstract humor") is a Russian term for a non-joke.

• A brick lays under the sun, warms itself. A gaggle of geese flies by. "Hello, brick! Let's fly South!" The brick thought for a while and started smoking a pipe.

• A cow went a-fishing and sees an elephant swimming by. "Hello, cow! Is it far to a bridge?" / "Which one do you want: across or along the river?" / "It doesn't matter to me, I am wearing silk stockings!"

Cowboy jokes

Cowboy jokes is a popular series about a Wild West full of trigger-happy simple-minded cowboys, and of course the perception that in Texas everything is big. It is usually difficult to guess whether these are imported or genuinely Russian inventions.

In a saloon.

- The guy over there really pisses me off!

- There are four of them; which one?

(Three shots ring out.)

- The one still standing!

A cowboy is riding across a prairie. A voice in his head tells him, "Get off the horse and dig a hole!" The cowboy does this and finds a box of silver. "Dig deeper!" The cowboy digs and finds a box of gold. "Dig deeper," says the voice again. The cowboy keeps digging and finds a box of diamonds. "Now, I wonder how you'll get yourself out," says the voice.

Jokes about the mentally ill

• An inspector comes to a mental hospital and sees the patients diving into an empty pool head-first. "What are they doing?", he asks the nurse. "The chief psychiatrist promised to fill the pool with water when they learn to dive safely."

• An inspector comes to a mental hospital and sees the patients hanging off the curtains. Baffled, he asks the chief psychiatrist about the reason of such behavior. The doctor replies, "They think they are leaves. Just tell them, 'The fall has come,' and they will jump down." The inspector does as told, and they all jump down. Proud of himself, he goes into the next room and sees the same picture. He says "The fall has come" several times, but the patients continue clinging to the curtains. Finally, one of them shouts at the inspector, "Why are you shouting? We're evergreens!"

The concept of "mental hospital" is also often used to poke fun at the political system.

A lecturer visits the mental hospital and gives a lecture about how great communism is. Everybody claps loudly except for one person who keeps quiet. The lecturer asks: "why aren't you clapping?" and the person replies "I'm not a psycho, I work here."

Taboo vocabulary

Obscene slang known as mat is the salt and pepper of the vast majority of Russian joke narration. Unfortunately this aspect is nearly impossible to render in English. However, there are two particular types of jokes that rely, as the primary source of humor, on the expected, casual usage of obscenity common particularly in the speech of the lower social classes, where it is possible to explain the mechanism of the humor.

In one series, a typical plot goes as follows. A construction site expects an inspection from the higher-ups, and a foreman warns the workers to watch their tongues. Next day, during the tour for VIPs a worker drops a hammer from the fourth floor right on the head of his colleague... The punch line is an exceedingly polite, classy utterance in response from the mouth of an injured.

(L) Another series of jokes is based on the fact that, with sufficient context, the root of many Russian nouns, verbs, and adjectives, may be replaced with the root of the vulgar Russian word for "penis", with no loss of meaning of the sentence, since the listener can derive its meaning based on context and the affixes surrounding the root (a similar phenomenon, also a frequent target of humor, exists in English with the word fuck, but Russian's rich morphology allows much more flexibility for the Russian version of the same). The goal of a joke in this series is to apply this type of substitution to as many words of a sentence as possible while keeping it meaningful. In an extreme example, the following dialog at a construction site between a foreman and a worker turns out to retain its meaning even with all its 11 words altered this way.

- Why did you load on so much of this stuff? Unload it anywhere you want!

- No! There is no need to unload! It got loaded just fine!

Word-by-word:

- Na **ya (why) do**ya (so much) **yni (of stuff) na**yarili (you heaped)? Ras**yarivay (deheap) na**y! (out of here)

- **ya! (No way) Ne**y (No need) ras**yovyvavat (to remove)! Na**yucheno ((It) was heaped) ni**yovo! (well)

After this example one may readily believe in the following semi-apocrific story. An inspection was expected at a Soviet plant to award it the Quality Mark, so the administration prohibited the usage of mat. On the next day the productivity dropped abruptly. People's Control quickly figured out the reason: miscommunication. It turned out that workers knew all tools and parts only by their mat-based names: '**yuska', '**yovina', '**yatina' '**yatinka', etc.; the same with technological processes: 'ot**yachit', 'pri**yachit', '**ynut', 'za**yarit',...

External links

• 1001 Soviet political anecdotes (in Russian) at Wikisource
• anekdot.ru, the most popular Russian humor website (in Russian)