User:XYaAsehShalomX/Essays and stuff

Warning - these pages may contain extremely left wing and anti-authority sentiments, as well as an unhealthy dose of venomous humour. If you have a nervous disposition, please go here, and do not read any further. Thank you very much.

Glue Watch - originally posted on my geocities website, with some modifications

Providing impartial, unbiased and accurate information on the glue industry since 2004

A timeline on Glue's Assault on the World

A few million years ago:trees in the prehistoric rainforests started to secrete a kind of resin. This was the forerunner of the modern glue. From the very beginning, the glue was the enemy of life. Innocent flies and insects got themselves trapped in the trees' secretions. But such was the plants' domination of the world that this monstrosity was ignored.

A few thousand years ago, tribes in the rainforests around the world discovered that they could use this substance to make tools and build homes. At that time they were not aware of the glue and its evil potential, but they soon found out. It made their hands sticky.

Since that time, the filthy glue has wormed its way around the world. Even animals use and secrete glue-like substances, blissfully unaware of the damage which the sticky stuff is doing.

In around the 1400s,it was discovered that people could make glue in a different way from getting it from plants. That's right, they began to boil up the bones of horses and other animals. It still made their hands sticky, but in light of its "benefits" they decided to carry on using it.

Today, modern glue is still sticky. Glue-lovers claim that if it wasn't it wouldn't work. Glue-lovers do their best to enable the glue to become a superior product - even being so bold as to describe one kind of glue as "superglue". Now, when was the last time you saw a product called "super-washing up liquid?" When was the last time you saw any product being called "SUPER" - apart from THE GLUE (dun dun dun)?

What has the glue ever done for us? The answer is, absolutely nothing, unless you count book binding, papier mache, sticking sheets into workbooks, sticking furniture together, and holding it together, and keeping things in their place? Where is the contributions to music (unless you count the glue in musical instruments)? Literature(unless you count keeping the pages from falling out in a book)? The answer is the glue has done absolutely nothing. In fact, it has harmed the cause of animal rights, since it is frequently made out of horses' hooves, and forces pieces of paper to be unnaturally stuck together! Anyone who uses glue is a paper traitor, and must be disciplined in an appropriate manner.

And some types of glue, though by no means all, smell of fish. The minds of children become corrupted while sniffing it. Criticism of the glue is forbidden, if someone dares to criticise glue, a new version is brought out, with exactly the same faults as the old version. They have even made a pocket glue called pritt-stick, to disguise the runny nature of the more "embarrassing" glue - but it is STILL GLUE! THIS DECEPTION HAS TO STOP!

Last year, the glue industry made £3 000000000 or thereabouts. Why does no other industry get this much money (unless you count the pencil industry, the furniture industry, the arms industry, etc)? What are they trying to hide from us?

SUPPORT GLUE WATCH and keep a watch on what the glue is trying to do!

The infamous "Protocols"

PROTOCOLS OF THE DILDOS OF THE DYKES OF DAMASCUS

PROTOCOL No. 1

Greetings my fellow lesbians! We are gathered here, in secrecy, to discuss our plans for world domination, and I am going to outline to you in full these Protocols. This is Protocol No.1 of which there will be many more.

3. It must be noted that men with bad instincts are more in number than women with bad instincts, and therefore the best results in governing them are attained by violence and terrorisation, and not by academic discussions. Every man aims at power, everyone would like to become a dictator if only he could, and rare indeed are the men who would not be willing to sacrifice the welfare of all for the sake of securing their own welfare. However, they have looked over the immortal saying by a great leader of our people – Elizabeth the First – I know she wasn’t a lesbian, but a crypto lesbian rather and she encaspulated the way to govern men in the immortal words “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”. Therefore, the way to men’s destruction must be through their stomach also.

4. What has restrained the beasts of prey who are called men? What has served for their guidance hitherto?

6. Political freedom is an idea but not a fact. This idea one must know how to apply whenever it appears necessary with this bait of an idea to attract the masses of the people to one's party for the purpose of crushing another who is in authority. This task is rendered easier of the opponent has himself been infected with the idea of freedom. Well of course – notice the words – the opponent HIMSELF. What woman would be as foolish as this?

SEX TOYS

The weaker amongst you may wonder at this frivolity. Why include Sex toys in a plan for world domination? Well the answer is simple, and anyone who scoffs at this is a fool I tell you. A fool!

8. Whether a State exhausts itself in its own convulsions, whether its internal discord brings it under the power of external foes - in any case it can be accounted irretrievable lost: IT IS IN OUR POWER. The same goes for people who exhuast themselves in their own convulsions. This is why we advocate the use of sex and bondage as a means of control.

9. Should anyone of a liberal mind say that such reflections as the above are immoral, I would put the following questions: why are you opposing lesbianism’s takeover of the world if you’re a liberal?

Do you smell of poo?

Do you want to see my puppies?

Are you prepared to defy us? You will not for longer, fool – do you really want to bend over and receive your punishment?

RIGHT IS MIGHT

12. Our right lies in force. The word "right" is an abstract thought and proved by nothing. The word means no more than: Give me what I want in order that thereby I may have an orgasm! Gimme gimme gimme! We reject such foolishness…umm. I think…

13. Where does right begin? Where does it end? Is the moon made of cheese? Why is the sky blue?

14. In any State in which there is a bad organization of authority, an impersonality of laws and of the rulers who have lost their personality amid the flood of rights ever multiplying out of lesbianism. It is the weak minded leaders which allow us to flourish – a plan which has led to their undoing. Look at section 28 for example. Of course the weak minded leaders in their foolishness have removed this law which was one of the only barriers holding us back. And this of course works to our advantage.

15. Our power in the present tottering condition of all forms of power will be more invincible than any other, because it will remain invisible until the moment when it has gained such strength that no cunning can any longer undermine it. Like a woman’s genitals are kept hidden but possess great power – greater than anyone can imagine!

16. Out of the temporary evil we are now compelled to commit will emerge the good of an unshakable rule. You see, although we’re psychotic despot carpet munchers, we’re GOOD psychotic despot carpet munchers.

18. In order to elaborate satisfactory forms of action it is necessary to have regard to the rascality, the slackness, the instability of the mob, its lack of capacity to understand and respect the conditions of its own life, or its own welfare. I mean, look at condoms for example. Why were they invented? Because the heterosexuals can’t have safe sex without them! We are the obvious chosen people, we don’t need anything to protect us…and nor will we need anything to protect us now we have total control of all the banks, media, armies and governments of the world…oh yes, the rascality of the breeders has not gone unpunished…

20. A people left to itself always harbours degenerates in its midst. Throughout the beginning of time we have worked behind the scenes – even in biblical times – and though people try to stop us, we rise up and up and up – like a diabolical – rising thing…it is a tribute to the indomitable Spirit of the Clitoris! The peoples of the world have been left to themselves, my friends, and the time is right for takeover!

WE ARE DESPOTS

I mean come on. We’re good, but we can’t always be NICE all the time…gotta have a war here, a suicide bombing there, a genocidal dictator somewhere along the line…

22. Behold the alcoholic animals on a Friday night. Some of them look pretty fine don’t they? You see, we’re not just lesbians. A bit of bestiality never goes amiss. This is what we will bring to the world, so all those foolish people will be very sorry indeed. First we’ll make it legal then compulsory. And how are we going to bring about this new world order?

23. Our countersign is - Force and Make-believe. Only force conquers in political affairs, especially if it be concealed in the talents essential to statesmen. Violence must be the principle, and cunning and make-believe the rule for governments which do not want to spread their legs on the bed of agents of some new power. This will be attained by putting all the world’s men into concentration camps – but secret concentration camps that they DON’T KNOW THEY’RE IN – and nobody else does either. We will make believe after the scrapping of section 28 and after we have blackmailed the state with threats of death to give us marriage rights – by demanding that to decieve the foolish heterosexual masses, that homosexuality is the true way to be and that there is no other way to convieve a child than by the love of two women! This will subjugate the men and make them our slaves. They will then be reduce to cleaning floors and eventually just as circus animals…completely unecessary.

24. Our State, marching along the path of peaceful conquest, has the right to replace the horrors of war by less noticeable and more satisfactory sentences of death, necessary to maintain the terror which tends to produce blind submission. We like submission, you see. This shall be achieved by the mandatory handcuffing, tying to the bed and whipping of all women to force them into “our ways”… bit of submission never goes amiss even among great dictators such as us!

WE SHALL END LIBERTY

25. Since far back in ancient times, we have been running things. I mean, look at all that palaver in Greece. We’ve even got an island named after us for heaven’s sake! It is of course this island, which I am sure I don’t need to name, which is to be the base of our new global Government, our secret headquarters. The government we are going to set up will henceforth be referred to as the CLOG – Carpet Licker Occupied Government. Once our master plan, which began far back in the days of Sapphos, is completed, there will be no more of these petty squabbles so beloved of heterosexuals. The CLOG will rule over all.

The heterosexuals cannot see that Nature herself has established inequality of minds, of characters, and capacities. Why, lesbianism is simply nature’s way of ensuring that the most gifted are not burdened with children! Ever stopped to think that the mob is a blind thing, that upstarts elected from among it to bear rule are, in regard to the political, the same blind men as the mob itself, that the adept, though he (note – HE) be a fool, can yet rule, whereas the non-adept, even if he were a genius, understands nothing in the political? Nah, me neither. But no matter.

To all those things they paid no regard; yet all the time it was based upon these things that dynastic rule rested. Knowledge was passed down throughout the generations – all sorts of knowledge – like where a woman’s g-spot is, and how to multitask, and where the best lesbian bars were. But as time went on, these developed into more political goals. We began to seek world domination, and the foolishness of the heterosexuals made this very, very easy.

26. In all corners of the earth the words "Liberty, Equality, Fraternity," brought to our ranks. The French, you see have always been a decadent bunch. And this works to our advantage. They’re so lovey dovey and romantic. We like that in people. It makes them more easy to recruit.

27. Our triumph has been rendered easier by the fact that in our relations with the women, who we wanted, we have always worked upon the most sensitive parts of the human body, between the sheets, above the thighs, upon the “cupidity” if you get my meaning, , upon the insatiable nymphomania that all women possess – whether they want to admit it or not – and we KNOW this; and each one of these human weaknesses, taken alone, is sufficient to paralyze initiative and deliver the hapless woman into our hands and ultimately, cause her to become one of our agents, for it gets her away from the will of men to the seduction of women.

Sometimes, our agents can be working for us without even knowing it. And once we have the women in our clutches, we have absolute power over them, in more ways than one, if you get my meaning.

This document must NOT fall into the hands of anyone! It is secret and confidential. Anyone who breaks this agreement will be subject to “punishment”.

This document is not to be confused with the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, da Pro’ocolz of dem bwoydemma Brixtahhhhhhhhhn innit, les protocoles de la baguettes de Boulougne, or any other protocols. No, these protocols are unique. Absolutely unique.

However we are perfectly prepared to work with the French, the Jews, the Catholics, or the rudeboys from Brixton to advance our cause. Nobody is too amoral for us – we will do whatever it takes to drive the Dildo of Domination into Mother Earth’s (metaphorical) pussy. We might even have a huge orgy afterwards.

Which brings us onto Protocol 2...

PROTOCOL No. 2

Right, enough of this world domination stuff. Let’s get down to business.

Are you bored yet?

Are you really bored?

No?

How about a good world-dominating woman-on-woman sex scene to liven things up a bit?

PROTOCOL No. 3

The world will be at our feet, screaming for more! Picture the scene – the world on her knees, licking at our feet – and other parts of our body – while we stamp on her with our metaphorical high heels – bringing out the Dildos of the Dykes of Damascus to bring their malign influence to the centre of the world.

“More! More! More!” the world will cry. “Dominate me! Dominate me! I want more torture! I want more handcuffing! I want more bondage! I want more humiliation! Stick the Dildo of Domination into the very bowels of me!” And we, ladies, will be only too pleased to oblige. Won’t we?

I think we will.

LONG LIVE THE PROTOCOLS!

LONG LIVE THE DILDO OF DOMINATION!

LONG LIVE THE CARPET LICKER OCCUPIED GOVERNMENT!

ABOVE ALL – LONG MAY THE DYKES OF DAMASCUS CONTINUE!

File:Dahomey amazon6.jpg

We will rule!

How to protect yourself from Terrorists (this was written in 2004, but its still kinda relevant to remember every time the media hypes stuff up)

Terrorism is the latest threat in a long line of things which face the western world. This handy guide will show you how to protect yourself. By Fraulein Freyja, our resident expert on terrorism and writer of useless guides.

Remember that YOU, yes YOU, Could be a victim of a terrorist attack at ANY time. This means that you MUST be prepared. Yes, you MUST be prepared. They could strike at ANY time. Yes, ANY time. They could even strike nuclear missiles at YOUR dog, YOUR cat, or anything else that belongs to you, even that useless little plastic hamster you bought your cousin for Christmas.

Remember one thing - when the government says "don't panic", they're deliberately playing the threat of terrorism down. Deliberately. Ultimately, who will survive in the War On Terrorism? The person who acts rationally, or the person who waves their arms around and runs about going "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH"? We, my friends, know the answer. And no, it isn't the rational person. We never trusted the government before, so why should we now?

The ONLY time the government tell the truth is when they say we should go to war. Because war is the best way of fighting terrorism, you know! As a great woman called Ann Coulter said, "we should kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity!" We wholeheartedly agree!

Anyone could be a terrorist. Anyone - even you! For that reason, you should treat everyone you meet with suspicion. Demand that they are strip searched on entering your premises. Never buy anything - ANYTHING - from anyone of a middle eastern appearance. If you do see a person like this, you know the correct course of action - simply scream at the top of your voice and the evil terrorist will know that they have been caught red handed in the dastardly act of walking down the road!

Remember to buy lots and lots and lots of guns. If you buy lots of guns, the evil terrorists will know that you are a force to be reckoned with. They never argue with guns! You should also leave your guns loaded and never put them in safes, so that they are on full view, all the time! So this way, if a terrorist comes into your house, he will just see the guns and run out again! Don't forget that in those uncivilised countries, they don't even know how to use guns!

Don't forget to label everyone who disagrees with you as a "communist". And McCarthy was a nice guy, really...

When things get too tough, don't forget to take your anger out by shooting innocent animals. That sweet-looking deer may not be so sweet - it may be concealing semtex in those antlers, you know...

Above all, KEEP PANICKING!!!