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Capitalization can go to Hell

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4316 days of pontificate

390

Pope Francis holds audience with German chancellor Angela Merkel.

Pope Benedict left not eighty days ago and already Merkel is smiling at Franciscum.

What the hell kind of picture is that, Vatican Radio? Do political figures not pose for photos any more?

389

Pope Francis names Oporto bishop Manuel Clemente new patriarch of Lisbon.

The rise of Pope Clement XV. This man will rule the western world, and he will not be merciful.

Why in God's name did I say that? All we're talking about is an episcopal suck session.

388

Pope Francis holds audience with national directors of pontifical mission societies.

The national directors of the pontifical mission societies. That sounds cool. Every word of it. Even the preposition of.

387

Pope Francis sends forty-third tweet.

Are our lives truly filled with the presence of God? Mine must be. I'm reading the pope's writings when I could be watching pornocracy.

What do you mean «pornography»? Have I been saying it wrong this whole time?

386

Pope Francis sends Milan archbishop Angelo Scola greeting message for visit of ecumenical patriarch Bartholomew I.

Someone needs to tell bishops about instant messaging.

385

Pope Francis sends forty-second tweet.

We cannot be part-time christians? Well, then, can we at least be part-time teachers?

Hold on a second. I think I made this joke yesterday.

384

Pope Francis holds general audience for eighth time.

We're not supposed to be part-time christians? Can we at least be part-time contractors?

383

Pope Francis sends forty-first tweet.

It's God who gives life? Makes sense. God's a he. The shes merely receive life.

382

Austrian cardinal Christoph Schönborn says Pope Francis was elected because of supernatural signs.

He's saying real signs of the lord gave him indication Bergoglio was the one? So he's saying he voted for Bergoglio? He's breaking his vows? And one of the signs was that a woman whispered the word Bergoglio in his ear? Holy hell!

Wait. He's also saying Pope Francis looks like the new archbishop of Canterbury. That makes up for these bizarre revelations.

Wait. No it doesn't. It makes things worse!

381

Pope Francis says Satan tricks people into being selfish.

What was he expecting from the dark jedi of the milky way?

380

Lisbon patriarch José Policarpo asks our lady of Fátima to help Pope Francis renew church.

There's no use. What Pope Francis needs is for me to get him on the Extreme Makeover home edition.

379

Pope Francis presented with new «annuario pontificio».

It'll be on sale soon? I hope V.L.C. can also read books.

378

Pope Francis holds audience with Colombian president Juan Manuel Santos.

Juan Manuel Santos? That's an anagram for autumn loans jeans.

The presider was wearing dress pants. Maybe that's because spring borrows jeans.

377

Pope Francis sends fortieth tweet.

The pontifical king is asking me if he's faithful to Christ in his daily life? The pontifical king is putting quotation marks around the word show in the phrase show my faith? These are dark times.

376

Pope Francis accepts resignation of Szczecin-Kamień auxiliary bishop Marian Błażej Kruszyłowicz.

There's no fucking pope news anywhere. I'm sorry.

375

Pope John Paul II impersonator arrested in Rome.

Wow. What a resemblance. I hereby declare that Slovakia is the new Poland.

Calm down, K.J.. There's no need to invade.

374

Pope Francis sends thirty-ninth tweet.

The many christians in the world who still suffer persecution and violence? You mean like Mel Gibson?

World Communications Day? Isn't that what they call a W.M.D.? Or is that World Munitions Day?

373

Pope Francis proclaims new saints for first time.

Colombians can be canonized too? Christopher Columbus has his fingers crossed.

Actually, he doesn't. I'm now being told he didn't get to America by boat. He got to America by cannon.

372

Pope Francis pays surprise visit to hospitalized cardinal Javier Lozano Barragán.

Someone's here for you, your eminence. I think it's the holy father. You're gonna be alright.

371

Pope Francis sends thirty-eighth tweet.

Seeing others always as brothers and sisters in Jesus? Shouldn't that be of Jesus? Oh, lord. Even the pope is slacking off.

The Roman pontiff is an epic man, so this was an epic fail.

370

Pope Francis holds audience with Pope Tawadros II of Alexandria.

The last time the coptic pope met with the actual pope was in May nineteen seventy-three? But now it's May twenty thirteen. That means... That means they haven't met for forty years. Oh, miGod!

369

Lisbon patriarch José Policarpo to consecrate Pope Francis's pontificate in Portuguese parish of Fátima on May thirteenth.

When the wizard of wizards will be two months in. Sounds most appropriate. But I do have one question. Why is the Lisbon patriot so special?

«Blühe, portugiesisches Vaterland!»

368

Pope Francis sends thirty-seventh tweet.

The holy spirit brings to our hearts profound trust in God's love and mercy? How? How exactly does it do that? Is it some kind of paranormal activity?

367

Pope Francis holds general audience for seventh time.

God loves us as a father? The pope loves us as a holy father. You tell me whose love you prefer.

366

Pope Francis sends thirty-sixth tweet.

True wealth is not found in material things? No kidding. Bank accounts are virtual.

365

Pope Francis names Irish reverend Denis Nulty bishop of Kildare and Leighlin.

Irish? He must be some kind of drunkard.

364

Pope Francis sends thirty-fifth tweet.

The path of holiness? What's that? The latest movie about the pontifex Maxim?

363

Pope Francis holds audience with Swiss president Ueli Maurer.

Ah. Yes. Switzerland, the only country in the world to have a square flag besides Vatican City. I bet the two heads of state talked about this coincidence during their meeting, and about how they both like the color red, and about how they both like crosses.

362

Pope Francis sends thirty-fourth tweet.

Ask our lord to help us bear shining witness to his mercy and his love? And if he consents? Should we ask him to help us bear shining witness to that too?

361

Pope Francis encourages protection of children from abuse.

That's not news. That's just basically everything popes do nowadays. You wanna hear something that is news? Then listen to this.

The first canonical pope to resign, Pope Celestine V, was canonized exactly seven hundred years ago.

360

Pope Francis sends thirty-third tweet.

Every christian is a mercenary? Speak for yourself... merciful lord.

Oops. I misread the holy words. The pope wrote missionary.

359

Pope Francis recites rosary in basilica of Saint Mary major.

I don't suppose the place was filled with rosemary.

358

Pope Francis holds audience with Lebanese president Michel Suleiman.

The pope met with King Solomon? The twenty-first century just doesn't stop surprising me.

I'm now being told it was actually President Suleiman. There must've been a problem with the translation.

357

Pope Francis sends thirty-second tweet.

Ask our lady to teach us how to make more room for the lord? Wouldn't it be better to ask the lord to teach us how to make more room for his lady? That strikes me as the most polite thing to do.

356

Pope Francis sends thirty-first tweet.

It would be a good idea for families to say the rosary together? Well, then, let's find out how many families you can fit in a church.

355

Pope Francis prays at tomb of Saint Francis via webcam.

Black arts! Dark magic! He was there but he wasn't there? Seems plausible.

354

Pope Francis welcomes predecessor Benedict XVI to new home.

Pope Benedict will live with four women and two Georgs? Isn't that just— Wait a second. Four women?

353

Pope Francis sends thirtieth tweet.

Those who are unemployed get to stay home and read your Twitter page, holiness.

The new look looks very good-looking. It's almost as if Pope Francis is saying «I'm watching you».

352

Pope John Paul II was beatified two years ago.

Pope Benedict beatified him by looking at the clouds and saying «beat it already», «now it's my turn».

351

Pope Francis holds general audience for sixth time.

An appeal against slave labor? That's funny.

How much money does the bishop of Rome make a year? I bet it's the same as what he makes a month.

350

Pope Francis sends twenty-ninth tweet.

Saint Joseph knew how to overcome adversity? He fathered a child without having had sex.

349

Pope Francis holds audience with Israeli president Shimon Peres.

How appropriate. The president of jews and the president of catholics.

348

Pope Francis sends twenty-eighth tweet.

Our trust in God's power? Gosh almighty!

347

Pope emeritus Benedict XVI to return to Vatican on Thursday.

He's gonna stay in the Vatican's attic, also known by the Latin name «Vattic».

346

Pope Francis calls shame a virtue that helps prepare us for God's forgiveness.

Shame on you, holy pope, for you are a man of virtue.

345

Pope Francis sends twenty-seventh tweet.

If at the end of the day each of us could say we had performed an act of charity towards others, everyone would have lost but not everyone would have gained, and we would have contributed to the inequality in the world.

344

Pope Francis confirms forty-four.

Ranging in age from eleven to fifty-five? This must be some kind of conspiracy.

44 + 11 = 55. Obama is the forty-fourth president of the united states, and today the eleventh president of Italy swore in the fifty-fifth prime minister.

343

Pope emeritus Benedict XVI resigned two months ago.

I know what a tomb is, but what are unts?

342

Pope Francis sends twenty-sixth tweet.

The holy spirit wants to transform the world we live in? Holy spit!

I'm saying holy spit because I just spat out my milk.

341

Pope Francis invites christians to proclaim Jesus with joy.

Wouldn't it make more sense to proclaim joy with Jesus? Isn't that what Saint Peter did?

340

Pope Francis holds audience with resigning Italian prime minister Mario Monti.

Monti was born exactly seventy years before pope Francis was inaugurated? His father was an Argentine of Italian ancestry? His first name is Mario? He and pope Francis seem to have a lot in common. I think I know who the new secretary of state should be.

339

Pope Francis sends twenty-fourth tweet.

I shouldn't be afraid to dream of great things? You mean I can become vicar of Christ one day?

338

Pope Francis holds audience with Argentine soccer player Javier Zanetti.

Two Argentines who moved to Italy? Zanetti may be a full back, but there's no way he was on the defensive this time.

337

Pope Francis to visit Assisi this year.

His holiness is going to Assisi? Who's going to assist him?

336

Pope Francis says Christians mustn't be like soldiers.

Not even a soldier who's Christian?

Okay. That was taken out of context.

335

Pope Francis sends twenty-third tweet.

It's important to be open and attentive towards others? That's the very reason I'm an unregistered Twitter follower of the tyrannosaurus pontifex.

No. I didn't just call the pope a dinosaur.

334

Pope Francis holds general audience for fifth time.

The church is in a love story? That's preposterous.

Shush, church, and let our lips touch.

333

Pope Francis sends twenty-second tweet.

Make sure we do not forget God? I'll try to remember to do that.

I just got a text from Google saying pope John Paul II could become a saint in October. How cool is that? I don't recall signing up for a mobile news feed.

332

Pope Francis calls for release of Syrian orthodox bishops.

President Bishop al-Assad needs to set them free right now. It's already been like... one day.

It's funny because the word bishop is also a surname.

331

Pope emeritus Benedict XVI relieved he's no longer pontiff according to brother Georg Ratzinger.

When pope Francis met with pope Benedict, he said the two of them were brothers, but his name isn't Georg. It's Jorge.

I've just seen a photo of the two Ratzingers wearing sun glasses, not sung lasses, and, if it weren't for their clothes, it would be hard to tell who's who. whom. I can only imagine how many catholics have tried to give money to the holy brother.

330

Pope Francis sends twenty-first tweet.

Mary is the one who says yes? That's not my experience.

329

Pope Francis sends twentieth tweet.

Each one of us longs for life? Then the dead must long for death.

328

Pope Francis says there's no room for climbers or commercial religion in kingdom of God.

I thought heaven was infinitely large.

327

Pope Francis ordains ten priests on fiftieth world day of prayer for vocations.

What's the apostolic shepherd trying to tell us? That there should be a new priest for every five days that pass? years that pass?

As a reply to the previous entry, let me just say that, actually, the pope joke was in the first minute of the episode.

326

American cartoon «Family Guy» parodies papal switch.

Yeah. A week ago.

Making a twenty-minute episode takes months. Did they add this bit at the last minute?

325

Pope Francis sends best wishes to re-elected Italian president Giorgio Napolitano.

They do have the same Christian name, or should I say... Jesuit name?

324

Santa Rosa bishop Mario Poli inaugurated as pope Francis's successor in Buenos Aires archdiocese.

That's what I call getting up on the Polium.

323

Pope Francis sends nineteenth tweet.

The voice of Jesus is unmistakable? Then why is he voiced by Alec Sulkin?

322

Former rector of pontifical Gregorian university Gianfranco Ghirlanda calls pope Francis profoundly Jesuit pope.

Figures. A professor using the word profound. Are you sure you don't wanna call pope Francis a proficiently Jesuit pope, sir? Are you sure you don't wanna call pope Francis a profanely Jesuit pope? A profitably Jesuit pope? A prophetically Jesuit pope? Go right ahead. I once called him pope Francus.

321

Pope Francis gives American model Ali Landry's baby bump hands-on blessing.

That good-looking husband of hers has obviously been doing the Landry.

320

Pope emeritus Benedict XVI was elected eight years ago.

Three days after turning seventy-eight. What a birthday present, however late it may be.

319

Pope Francis holds audience with Ecuadorian president Rafael Correa.

«What shall we talk about, your holiness?» The bishop of Rome formed the hand pyramid of evil contemplation. «The Roman Correa.»

318

Pope Francis cuts bonuses for holy-see employees.

The holy seers get extra money after the death of a pope and the election of a new one? Well, then it sure was nice of pope Benedict to resign.

Two thousand dollars because of the papal switch? Over my dead body, minions.

317

Pope Francis may meet with Brazil soccer players on world youth day.

Who will the holy father root for during next year's Brazil world cup? Argentina or the Vatican? Probably Argentina, because the Vatican doesn't have a team.

316

Pope Francis holds audience with Portuguese ambassador António Almeida Ribeiro.

The name of the late patriarch of Lisbon was António Ribeiro. What's going on here?

315

Pope Francis sends eighteenth tweet.

Come on. How am I supposed to joke about that?

314

Kampala auxiliary bishop Christopher Kakooza calls on parents to name babies after pope Francis.

The Portuguese word for pope is also the Portuguese word for porridge. Babies like porridge. Just name your babies Pope Francis. They won't even have to be baptized.

313

Pope Francis holds general audience for fourth time.

Jesus is the only and eternal priest? So that's why they call him Jesus Chriest.

312

Pope Francis sends sixteenth and seventeenth tweets.

If ascension does not equal absence, Sion does not equal be, and Jerusalem is non-existent.

How do you enter into someone else's glory? The same way you get inside a truck, A.K.A. lorry?

311

Pope emeritus Benedict XVI turns eighty-six.

I bid you a happy Beneday, holiness. Live long and prosper.

310

Pope Francis calls second Vatican council beautiful work of holy spirit.

Vatican two was a gift for me and you.

309

Pope Francis re-affirms crackdown on leadership conference of women religious.

What the heaven kinda name is that? And how the heaven did these American nuns think they would be treated when they chose such a name?

Sorry. I've been reading too much scripture.

308

Jerusalem Latin patriarch Fouad Twal calls pope Francis very humble man after audience.

Of course he's a very humble man. Isn't humble the adjective for the noun homily?

307

Pope Francis equals predecessor John Paul I in length of reign.

Google says that only tomorrow will it rain in Rome. Rome in rain. rain in Rome.

306

Pope Francis holds audience with Spanish prime minister Mariano Rajoy.

I trust they spoke Argentine.

305

Pope Francis celebrates mass in basilica of saint Paul outside the walls.

The archpriest's name is Harvey. The abbot's name is Power. What's not to celebrate?

304

Pope Francis sends fourteenth and fifteenth tweets.

I hadn't noticed this before, but I'm glad the pope himself doesn't capitalize pronouns referring to God, 'cuz I just hate Capitalization.

303

Pope Francis was elected a month ago.

Who knew thirteen plus thirty-one equaled thirteen? I always thought it equaled forty-four. That would be palindromic. (Thank God for Wikipedia. He sure has equipped us, or equipped we, with a wonderful tool, and I'm not talking about our penises and vaginas. We have been wequipped. We have been wikwipped.)

302

Pope Francis holds audience with president of U.N. economic and social council Néstor Osorio Londoño.

Londoño? But he's from Colombia? I guess hips do lie.

301

Pope Francis says God doesn't act like fairy with magic wand.

I didn't say he did. Who the hell are you? The inquisition? This is a witch hunt!

Archive index

• 2012/10 - 2013/01
• 2013/01 - 2013/03
• 2013/03 - 2013/04

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