Colemanballs

Colemanballs is a term coined by Private Eye magazine to describe gaffes perpetrated by (usually British) sports commentators. It is derived from the surname of the now retired BBC broadcaster David Coleman and the suffix -balls, as in "to balls up". It has since spawned derivative terms in unrelated fields, such as Warballs (spurious references to the September 11, 2001 attacks) and Dianaballs (sentimental references to Diana, Princess of Wales). Any other subject can be covered, as long as it is appropriately suffixed by -balls.

Background

Coleman's association with these verbal slips is so strong that he is often given erroneous credit for the earliest example specifically referenced as a Colemanball.In fact the broadcaster responsible was fellow BBC commentator Ron Pickering. At the 1976 Summer Olympics in Montreal he commentated on a race involving double-gold medallist Alberto Juantorena, whose muscular build and nine-foot stride contributed to his nickname El Caballo (the horse). Pickering said "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

Another regular contributor to the section until his retirement was motor racing commentator Murray Walker. His excitable delivery led to so many mistakes that they began to be labelled Murrayisms. Examples include "We've had cars going off left, right and centre", "do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding rough?", and "with half of the race gone, there is half of the race still to go." However, only Walker himself could utter a Murrayism, while Colemanballs remained the more generic term attributable to any commentator.

Private Eye's Colemanballs column has now expanded to include occasional quotes from sportsmen themselves (e.g. Frank Bruno's "That's cricket, Harry, you get these sort of things in boxing."), politicians (John Major's "When your back's against the wall it's time to turn round and fight."), and the malapropisms of other public figures.

Notable Colemanballs

Double entendres

• "If he opens his legs, he'll be hard to handle." (Graham Taylor)

• "Ardiles strokes the ball like it was a part of his anatomy." (Jimmy Magee, RTÉ)

• "Neil Harvey, standing at leg slip with his legs wide apart, waiting for a tickle." (Brian Johnston, BBC)

• "Botham struggled to get his leg over there." (Jonathan Agnew, BBC)

• "Rutherford's asking the umpire how many balls he's got left... he's got two." (Bryan Waddle, Radio New Zealand)

• "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing." (Pat Glenn, Weightlifting Commentator)

• "I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs..." (Andy Gray, Sky Sports)

• "The Czech Republic are coming from behind in more than one way now." (John Motson, BBC in 27th minute of World Cup 2006 game against Italy.)

Contradictions

• "And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman)

• "Don't tell those coming in the result of that fantastic match, but let's have another look at Italy's winning goal..." (David Coleman)

• "What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio." (Gerry Francis)

• "I was in Saint-Etienne two years ago. It's much the same as it is now, although now it's completely different." (Kevin Keegan, BBC)

• "I imagine that the conditions in those cars are totally unimaginable."(Murray Walker, BBC and ITV)

• "Mansell knows exactly when he [Ayrton Senna] is because he can see him in his earphones."(Murray Walker, BBC and ITV)

• "The Baggio brothers, of course, are not related." (George Hamilton, RTÉ)

• "What's it like being in Bethlehem, the place where Christmas began? I suppose it's like seeing Ian Wright at Arsenal..." Simon Fanshawe (BBC Radio Five Live)

• "The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost's eyes." (Steve Coppell, BBC Radio Five Live)

• "For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip." (John Motson, BBC)

• "He knows all about the Italian opposition, playing now in Turkey..." (John Motson, BBC)

• "You need at least eight or nine men in a ten-man wall." (Mark Lawrenson, BBC)

• "He's very quick for a man of his age. I suppose you'd call him ageless. He's 33 or 34." (David Pleat, ITV)

Hyperbole

• "Good evening. The game you are about to see is the most stupid, appalling, disgusting and disgraceful exhibition of football, possibly in the history of the game." (David Coleman, BBC, in 1962 World Cup.)

• "Lord Nelson! Lord Beaverbrook! Sir Winston Churchill! Sir Anthony Eden! Clement Atlee! Henry Cooper! Lady Diana! Maggie Thatcher! Can you hear me, Maggie Thatcher? Your boys took one hell of a beating! Your boys took one hell of a beating!" (Norwegian commentator Bjørge Lillelien, after his country's team defeated England 2-1 in a World Cup qualifier in September 1981)

Religion

• "The Saudis would struggle in Europe because of that problem with those prayers five times a day.You don't know if they're going to turn up for training. I'm being serious." (Don Howe)

Freudian slips

• "I'm sorry to report that there seems to be trouble in the far-right section of the ground..." (Freudian slip, Conor McNamara, BBC Five Live)

• "We'll have more football in a minute, but first we have highlights of the Scottish League Cup final." (Gary Newbon)

When is a draw not a draw?

• "His reign ended with that nil-all defeat by Switzerland at Lansdowne Road." (Colm Murray, RTÉ)

• "Poland nil, England nil, though England are now looking the better value for their nil." (Barry Davies, BBC)

• "With news of Scotland's 0-0 victory over Holland..." (Scottish Television)

• "We thrashed Romania 0-0 in the first half..." (Kevin Keegan)

Mixed metaphors

• "Many clubs have a question mark in the shape of an axe-head hanging over them." (Malcolm McDonald)

• "Real Madrid are like a rabbit in the glare of the headlights in the face of Manchester United's attacks. But this rabbit comes with a suit of armour in the shape of two precious away goals." (George Hamilton, RTÉ)

• "And Cristiano Ronaldo has hit the ball with every inch of his body weight!" (Alan Dark)

• "I think the big guns will come to the boil." (Jimmy Armfield, BBC Radio Five Live, World Cup 2006)

Stating the obvious

• "It's a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs." (David Coleman, BBC)

• "If the ball had crossed the line, it would have been a goal..." (David Coleman, BBC)

• "And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley......unless somebody knocks us out." (Dave Bassett)

• "A deflection - that's what changed the course of the ball." (Jim Beglin, ITV, 2006 World Cup)

• "There's a real international flavour to this World Cup." (Jimmy Armfield, BBC Radio Five Live, 2006)

• "It's raining very hard now and the players are getting wet." (Keith Quinn, Television New Zealand)

Tongue-tied

• "Owen runs like rabbit chasing after... What do rabbits run after? They run after nothing! Well, running after other rabbits." (Tom Tyrell)

Too soon

• "And Bonner has gone 165 minutes of these championships without conceding a goal. Oh danger here..." (George Hamilton, RTE)

• "Only one team could win this match from here, and that's England." (Kevin Keegan, moments before Romania scored the equalising goal, and eventually going on to win.)

• "Will he score here? Yes." (Kevin Keegan, as David Batty began his run-up to the penalty he missed, eliminating England from the 1998 FIFA World Cup)

Books

A series of Colemanballs books has been published by Private Eye, featuring a selection of quotations from the column, split into different categories. As of 2004, 12 editions have been released.

See also

• Damaging quotation
• Malapropism
• Yogiisms - sports quotes from American baseball player Yogi Berra
• Murray Walker - this page contains a list of "Murrayisms"