Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/DJ AM/archive1

DJ AM

DJ AM (edit | talk | history | links | watch | logs)

• Featured article candidates/DJ AM/archive1

Nominator(s): Freikorp (talk) 09:17, 22 October 2017 (UTC)

This article is about a DJ who had a short but very interesting and tragic life. Article is GA and has recently received a peer review and copyedit. Freikorp (talk) 09:17, 22 October 2017 (UTC)

Images appear to be appropriately licensed. Nikkimaria (talk) 14:25, 22 October 2017 (UTC)

Comments from Aoba47

• In this sentence (During four years in his early twenties he focused solely on drug use and deejaying.), there should be a comma after “twenties”.
• In this sentence (In 2006 he accepted a $1 million), add a comma after “2006”.
• In this phrase (After watching Herbie Hancock perform "Rockit" ), I would specify that “Rockit” was a song recorded by Herbie Hancock to avoid a potential misreading of this being a cover or something. I think that the following short descriptive phrase in front of “Rockit” (his 1983 single) would be beneficial.
• Could you possibly clarify the following phrase (for his treatment of younger patients) by adding more context? How did he treat the younger patients?

• The source only says "he was later indicted and dismissed for excessive abuse of young enrollees". I haven't been able to find anybody else making this allegation. I'd be happy to remove it if it's too vague. Freikorp (talk) 22:46, 22 October 2017 (UTC)

• Makes sense; thank you for the clarification. I think that it is fine as it stands then. Aoba47 (talk) 04:17, 23 October 2017 (UTC)

• In the first mention of Alcoholics Anonymous, I would spell out the acronym and put it in parenthesis next to it to make the meaning clear.
• In this phrase (help other addicts, sponsoring them and taking them to meetings), I would remove the comma and add “by” as I think that would make the sentence stronger.
• In this phrase (impressed with Goldstein's performance there), I do not think the “there” is necessary.
• I would add the year in which “Butterfly” was released.
• In this phrase (in 2003 he weighed), add a comma after “2003”.
• In the phrase (The crash killed both crew members and the other two passengers), did we know the identities of the other two passengers?
• In this phrase (Following the crash, the show's producer Cheryl Sirulnick, said), I do not believe the comma after “Sirulnick” is necessary.
• In this phrase (Shortly thereafter Goldstein leaves the building,), add a comma after “thereafter”.
• Remove the link to “cocaine” in the “Death” section as it was already linked in a previous section.
• In the “Filmography” table, I would change “2005–2007” to “2005, 2007” as he appeared in only one episode in 2005 and one in 2007. The original phrasing gives off the impression that he consistently appeared from 2005 to 2007.
• In the same table, do you think that you should also clarify he was the host of Gone Too Far?
• Do you think information on DJ AM”s collaboration with Samantha Ronson for Challah and Challah Back should be mentioned in the body of the article? Right now, she is only listed in associated acts, put in the discography, and a brief note on her appearance at his funeral.

• I can't find any RS sources that comment on the album, let alone high quality ones. The albums were added to the article by someone else. I can't find any reference to them on discogs, allmusic or YouTube. If it wasn't for several non-RS sources (like this one [1]) commenting on them, I'd be liable to think they didn't exist. Freikorp (talk) 23:10, 22 October 2017 (UTC)

• That is very odd indeed. I will leave this up to more experienced users to look into. I have no issues with the albums being included in the "Discography" section as evidence of their release is available (although, not through the best sources in the world). Ideally, it would great to have more information on this, but I understand the issues with it. It is fine then as it stands. Thank you for the clarification. Aoba47 (talk) 04:17, 23 October 2017 (UTC)

• You mentioned that he scratched on an album for Madonna, though it is not included in the “Discography” section.

• Good find. Someone else actually brought that up on the article's talk page several years ago. None of her albums from the relative time-frame list him in the credtis ([2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9]), guess I forgot to remove the mention though. I'm removing it now. Freikorp (talk) 22:46, 22 October 2017 (UTC)

• Thank you for the clarification. It is a shame that he never really worked with Madonna. Aoba47 (talk) 04:17, 23 October 2017 (UTC)

• Do you think that Downtown Calling should be mentioned in the body of the article? It is currently only brought up in the “Filmography” section.

Great work with this article. Once my comments are addressed, I will support this for promotion. Aoba47 (talk) 15:27, 22 October 2017 (UTC)

Thanks so much for you comments Aoba47. I've made all the relevant changes, with the exception of three things that I have replied to above. Let me know if there are any further concerns. Freikorp (talk) 23:10, 22 October 2017 (UTC)

Thank you for addressing everything. I support this for promotion. If possible, I would greatly appreciate any feedback on my current FAC? Either way, good luck with your nomination. This was a very fascinating read, and to be completely honest, I have never heard of this person prior to taking this up for review. Aoba47 (talk) 04:17, 23 October 2017 (UTC)

Comments from Ceranthor

• "During four years in his early twenties," - This is phrased awkwardly. Might be better to say from age 2X-2Y...
• "His drug problems became worse after leaving the center. During four years in his early twenties, he focused solely on drug use and deejaying." - I think these two sentences can be combined.
• "Goldstein became sober and went on to sponsor other addicts through Alcoholics Anonymous." - Went on should be replaced with "and later sponsored". Went on is clunky and doesn't say much.
• "After forming a relationship with Nicole Richie in 2003, his career skyrocketed" - Were they dating? Unclear from the ambiguous term "relationship"
• "Goldstein appeared as himself in several television series, contributed mixes and appeared as a playable character in the video game DJ Hero, and filmed a cameo appearance for Iron Man 2. " - Contributed mixes "to"
• "Goldstein witnessed his father openly taking cocaine and marijuana throughout his childhood.[2]" - Don't think taking is the right verb here, maybe using?
• "His father died the following year.[4][6]" - Unclear which father; his biological father or his "dad"?
• "In 1997, he attempted suicide; with the gun in his mouth, it jammed as he pulled the trigger.[4][6]" - Should just be "the gun jammed in his mouth as he pulled the trigger"
• "A visiting promoter, impressed with Goldstein's performance, offered him his first legitimate deejaying job working at the Hollywood club The Dragonfly.[10]" - Avoid original research words like "legitimate"
• "The surgery was effective, and he lost over 100 lb (45 kg) within a year.[4] " - more than, not over
• "an unheard of amount for a DJ at the time.[2]" - Unheard of sounds a little bit like slang to me
• "and later felt the need to call his sponsor. " - Might help to briefly explain what a sponsor is in addition to linking it.

Ultimately, a short and highly interesting article. The prose needs some fine-tuning before it's ready, but here are some initial comments. ceranthor 20:25, 23 October 2017 (UTC)

• Thanks for your comment Ceranthor. I've reworded the article to address everything you've listed above. Let me know if there are any further concerns. :) Freikorp (talk) 23:04, 23 October 2017 (UTC)

Comments from FrB.TG

• Goldstein was born in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. He became obsessed with deejaying as a child after watching Herbie Hancock perform his 1983 single "Rockit" - I would join these two sentences; sth like, Born in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, he became..

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:20, 25 October 2017 (UTC)

• His drug problems became worse after leaving the center; Goldstein spent several years in his early twenties addicted to crack cocaine - just a suggestion, I think it would work better as sth like, After leaving the center, his drug problems became worse and he was addicted to crack cocaine for several years in his early twenties.

• Hmm, I've reworded it though still retained the semicolon. I think it works better with it. Freikorp (talk) 00:20, 25 October 2017 (UTC)

• and was asked to join the band Crazy Town in 1999 - instead of saying "was asked to" I would simply write joined the band.

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:20, 25 October 2017 (UTC)

• contributed mixes to - do we mean contributed to mixes here?

• Hmmm, I don't think that would be accurate to say. As in, he contributed the whole mix, he didn't just contribute towards the mix Freikorp (talk) 00:20, 25 October 2017 (UTC)

Oh, I see. My bad. – FrB.TG (talk) 06:44, 25 October 2017 (UTC)

• contributed mixes to and appeared as a playable character in the video game DJ Hero, and filmed a - I don't think you need the first "and".

• I'm seeing a bit of a problem if I remove it. "contributed mixes to appeared as a playable character"? Freikorp (talk) 00:20, 25 October 2017 (UTC)

I meant replace it with a comma. :-) FrB.TG (talk) 06:08, 25 October 2017 (UTC)

Down to the end of the lead. More soon. – FrB.TG (talk) 13:11, 24 October 2017 (UTC)

Thanks for your comments so far FrB.TG. I've made replies. Freikorp (talk) 00:20, 25 October 2017 (UTC)

Early life

• When he was 14, his father was incarcerated - I assume it was his stepfather, although I think it would be more helpful if you are specific (perhaps mention his first name).
• that Hebert, the man he thought was his father, was not biologically so - I think it is safe to say that the reader is aware of Hebert's role in his life. Would be much more simple as "that Hebert was not his biological father

Career

• Us Weekly editor Janice Min said: "He's an amazing DJ, but there are a lot of amazing DJs. The difference is that there's only one who dated Nicole. It put him on the map." - perhaps it would be worth paraphrasing this quote.
• He was an avid sneakerhead, owning over 1,000 pairs - more than.
• His obsession led to him being offered a cameo as himself purchasing a pair in the 2006 TV series Entourage episode "What About Bob?". - I am not a fan of the word 'obsession' here. In the previous sentence, you say he was an 'avid' (as in interested) collector of sneakers, but in the next you describe it as an obsession, which is stronger, more intense than 'avid'. Perhaps simply say, "This led to" or replace obsession with another word?
• He played private events - played at? – FrB.TG (talk) 18:00, 25 October 2017 (UTC)

Final year

• appearing as himself deejaying Tony Stark's birthday party - seems worth linking Tony Stark and also mentioning who played the character.
• Goldstein was involved with Activision's DJ Hero video game, contributing original mixes - contributing original mixes to, per the lede.
• Goldstein was the host of Gone Too Far, a drug intervention reality show for MTV - WP:OVERLINKING here.
• He had approached MTV in mid 2008, pitching the idea of - not a fan of pitch, perhaps discuss? Also, using infinitive form would read better here (the pitching part), I think.

Relapse

• Goldstein said that while he had been sober for nine years, every day he had to remind himself that he was still a drug addict, saying - don't like the placement of every day here. Perhaps place it after "himself"?

That's it. I have made quite a few edits that you might wanna check. Pls let me know if I have messed up anything. – FrB.TG (talk) 18:30, 25 October 2017 (UTC)

Sources review

• Ref 2: What is the nature of the source "Manifest"?
• Ref 13: Who was the broadcaster? You provide this information in similar refs 14, 17, 19.
• Ref 23: Please check spelling of "Drumer" (Drummer?)
• Ref 54: I think the proper source title is "Grammy Awards" rather than the informal name "The Grammys". And it should not be italicized.
• Refs 58, 60 and 61: Can you give the record label as publisher information?
• Ref 60: I dont understand what the word "feat" is doing in the middle of the reference.

Subject to these minor points, the sources appear to be appropriate, reliable and well organised. Brianboulton (talk) 21:31, 25 October 2017 (UTC)