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Aunt Betty
Born (1887-05-20) May 20, 1887 (age 137) or (1909-05-20) May 20, 1909 (age 115) or (1910-05-20) May 20, 1910 (age 114) or (1911-05-20) May 20, 1911 (age 113)
Oregon
DiedTBD
Presumably the Kingdom of Oregon, or a reportedly haunted house in Dublin[1]
Spouse(s)Biggs Goldman, Some sort of latrine
Theme song:
"Timber"
Twitter Handle:
@YoMomma
Websitewww.BestAuntBettyEvah.com
Signature

Aunt Betty, ODB, OPP is an allegedly hypothetical woman from the U.S. state of Oregon, presumed to be a relative of at least one other Oregonian (or more likely related to all true Oregonians).[2] She is widely renowned for her lack of notability,[3] as well as her lack of significance to the state's social, economic, cultural, political, and geological[4] history. (She does, however, rock, according to some band in Georgia.[5]) Contrary to urban legend, she is a white girl.[6]

According to Sherry Manning, "development director" of the massively successful[citation needed] Oregon Encyclopedia, that encyclopedia's "…entries can't just be about Aunt Betty. [Topics] have to be about things that really make Oregon Oregon: significant people, significant events."[7] Ya know, important stuff like some random model airplane builder whom, according to the exalted/plush/self-important M.O. Stevens, "couldn't even get an article on Wikipedia if they paid for it, which is like saying alot cause like everything is on Wikipedia man."[8]

Early life and also too later life, also

A direct descendant of Vasquez de Gama (brother of Vasco), a Portuguese "explorer" who discovered Eastern Oregon[9]—but not the Oregon Coast, the Oregon Shore, or the Oregon coastal areas[10]—Betty is widely understood[who?] to be at least 150 years old, though revealed birth and census records do not provide conclusive evidence of this fact. Apparently born blind, she was a farm girl in Redmond before her fascination with cities drew her to Portland, where her eyes opened.[11]

At the age of 19, she became the youngest-ever Camp Fire Girls Scout Leader before beginning a highly successful career as a big band singer. She is believed to be the inspiration for the rock band Betty, described by Scott Simon as, "the Marx Brothers and the Andrews Sisters having three daughters who form a rock band". Simon also commented on the band Betty being infamous for using the F word in the theme song for The L Word.[12]

Betty was featured in the earliest-known film noir crime drama in 1913.[13] The career was interrupted when she had an affair with acclaimed Acadian actor Robért Wagnér, which resulted in the birth of a son, whose whereabouts are unknown.[14]

Though she is mostly harmless, she became a suspect in several murders in Portland's Pioneer Courthouse Square, though the crimes are believed to have been divided up and committed by her plethora of precocious descendants. It is unlikely that she will be arrested, however, due to her skill in court as a defendant of unicorns.[15] She is also a person of interest in the ongoing FBI investigation into the mysterious case of D. B. Cooper, "that odd uncle" whom "maybe someone just remembers".[16] She is usually seen with her "faithful" companion, Xkcd the Coma-inducing Initial-capped Dog.[17][18]

Betty made pizza once. Therefore her notability on Wikipedia should be certain.

Recently[when?], in April of 2014, Betty was castigated by political hopeful and childrens' author Erik Anders Bjørnson for saucily jotting "blah blah blah blah blah" during an interview panel for The Oregon Herald while incumbent Hugh Wetshoe was speaking. She later stated it was "for the public good" and attempted to distract Bjørnson by asking him about his views on the existence of Sasquatch.[19] Bjørnson was heard to mutter "What about frogs?"[20] Soon after that, in early 2016, Betty occupied the Malheur Wildlife Refuge, much to the astonishment of editors wishing for biographies to flow sequentially.

Upon the legalization of recreational pot in Oregon in 2015, she was ambivalent to the whole matter due to her long-term usage of weed, like alot of Oregonians,[citation needed] so that she really was unaware of the change (though senility may have kicked in). The senility may explain why she can't shut her pie hole at Thanksgiving dinner, always talking about her damn ailments, which aren't even that bad because she uses marijuana to treat pain.[21]

Latterly, or possibly second- or thirdly, when serving controversially as the "First Consort" of Oregon Governor Gertrude Lang, Betty denied any wrongdoing in an earlier Previous Scandal involving a Green Card Marriage to James G. Blaine, allowing him Oregon Citizenship, as he had forsaken the inferior State of Maine, in which pot was not legal, because he dreamed of starting a Weed and Server Farm in which they could also hide Betty's salacious e-mails showing a Conflict of Interest between her duties as Consort and her Business Arrangements with the Retail Establishment Edgy On Purpose, which featured clothing featuring Native Waterfowl.[22][23] It was an proud moment for Oregon when a commentator was quoted as saying, quote, "Well, it's fair to say that Oregon has shown a real flair for the bizarre personal scandal."[24] The bird on it had no comment.[25]

In October 2016, she was alleged to have bitten a surfer, who was likely from California so it was OK, off the Oregon Coast. Some media mistakenly reported it was a shark,[26] but since no sharknados had been reported in Oregon, like ever, it could not have been a shark. Seriously people, do some homework. However, when one such Sharknado hit the coast several days later, Aunt Betty was back on her feet and the first to publish a video of the event, commenting "Dude, that's a straight-up tornado." [27]

Characteristics

Betty while on tour with the Stones

Politically, Aunt Betty is an independent, much like Oregon's own maverick reputation, but not in a Sarah Palin way. Speaking of mavericks, coincidentally Maverick was both shot and filmed and set in the mighty Beaver State, and rumor has it that Aunt Betty may have had a love child with one of the cast members, bringing her total of love-childs with actors to a solid two, though mathematically the number would be 1.7 after adjusting for the known probabilities that alleged occurrences occurred.[28]

In mid-life, Betty became VERY well known for being the only Oregonian to marry a toilet. Soon after that, she mellowed and apparently become astronomically famous for her roast potatoes,[29] but horribly infamous for her soggy coleslaw.[30] She has never heard of cantaloupes,[31] but she does believe in sarcasm.[32] One time, at band camp, she made sweet love to a Bigfoot. However, detectives were unable to determine if the Sasquatch was injured.

Religiously, she has no denomination (but likes Jacksons over singles when working at the club), much like Oregon, but is quite spiritual, noting, "Bourbon is the official spirit of the United States, by act of Congress."[33] Additionally, Aunt Betty has also observed, "Sitting in a church isn’t going to make me any more religious than sitting in a garage would make me a Ford."[34] She is the proud owner of a big Buddha statue that she won at a bankruptcy auction. Betty discovered the statue after her foray into the New Thought movement ended with her local church going bankrupt. She had invested all of her egg money, not to be confused with a nest egg, with the founder of the church in hopes of being able to earn enough on the returns to finally retire, as she had lost everything in the Panic of 1893 and then again during the Great Depression, and yet again while investing in Bitcoin, as the blockchain was not strong with her.[35] She has said, "God hasn’t always been good to me, but She’s been a Hell of lot more patient than Bank of America."[36] She is a fighter, just like Oregon.

In fact, she often fights with her neighbors over their unruly Native rhododendrons, and has resorted to tasing "innocent" neighborhood street urchins when they play on her lawn.[19] Her brash horticultural manners, especially her upkeep of a mysterious rose garden in Portland, have led some writers to label her "certainly strange", "certainly not worthless", and "possibly evil".[19] She also heroically refuses to accept the fact that Oregon is Idaho's Portugal despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary provided by culturally out-dated people who use the internets. Betty also supports building the wall, but not that one, the one to keep Kalifornians out, cause she was here first.

Legacy (not the hospitals)

Due to the unresolved nature of the dispute over her age, the Oregon Legislative Assembly has repeatedly declined to name Betty "Mother Queen of Oregon,"[37] leaving Mary Ramsey Wood's undisputed claim to that title intact. Though some people claim it is actually a vastly large conspiracy to cover up the truth, and all those who participate in said conspiracy will be sent to prison, especially if they are cowboys.

Though if Betty is dead, her remains may now qualify as "soil". Thus a tiny group of very cheery schoolchildren at a very small quaint schoolhouse nestled in a stunning and large panoramic dell with a rich deep important history in the Mid-Valley may petition the legislature to name Betty as the state soil instead. The schoolchildren hasten to add that their school is "TEH BEST EVAH! LOL".[38] What this may or may not have to do with Aunt Betty is not known at this point in time.[clarification needed] A special committee has been formed to spend millions in taxpayer dollars to study the issue, and that committee may or may not be dead. The committee teamed up with Washington on the project, as Betty used to go to Seattle to watch her Blazers beat the SuperSonics till the later [sic] ran scared to Oklahoma, but that's OK. Betty personally thought the Blazers should have drafted Kevin Durant, as she had lived through the Sam Bowie era, as well as the Paul Bunyan era (and possibly the Goliath era) and has a deep and possibly unhealthy mistrust of tall men.

Aunt Betty was the inspiration for at least one cook book,[39] and according to a source, at least one novel. Such source could not immediately be reached for comment on the contents of such novel.[40] As of 2014, her fancy yet derelict and likely haunted mansion was under scrutiny by the National Register of Historic Places for its dubious historicity.[19] What this may or may not have to do with her reportedly haunted reported death place in Dublin is not known at this point in time and remains to be sorted out by members of the Aunt Betty Historical Society and the Aunt Betty Legacy Foundation.[1]

Research issues

Aunt Betty has lived an a-MAZE-ing life

A possible explanation for the conflicting information is that numerous different Oregon natives may have shared the characteristics of being named Betty, and of being someone's aunt, or have ancestors named Betty—for example, Betty Rubble.[41]

"You should see the pile of census records we've compiled," stated one Wikipedia editor, who, like many of their kind, wished to remain anonymous. "When you have hundreds, possibly thousands, of documents reflecting different ages, among other contradictory evidence, you have to wonder whether they are all records of the same Aunt Betty or not."[citation needed]

Another research area that merits investigation is Aunt Betty's relationship with Weird Al, whom she either inspired to become a Wikipedia editor or who may have edited an unauthorized biography of Aunt Betty on Wikipedia.[42]

In a particularly confusing and insidious development for researchers, Google has associated Aunt Betty with Tupperware in many search results in which drag queen Aunt Barbara became a top Tupperware seller.[43] In addition, an impostor began posting advice about the use of Tupperware in a chat room about duck hunting, using the handle “Aunt Betty” and the tagline, “INTERNET CREDIBILITY is…an OXYMORON."[44]

With the 2013 discovery of the Lewis and Clark Expedition by important vetting, fact-checking, and blind peer-reviewing scholars, it is hoped that these research issues can be resolved soon.[45] Following the deadly Bowling Green Massacre, it was determined that everything on this page was just alt facts.

References

  1. ^ a b Underwood, Peter (2013). Irish Ghosts: A Ghost Hunters' Guide. Amberley Publishing. ISBN 9781445628950. Retrieved 10 November 2015.
  2. ^ "Aunt Betty". Wikipedia. Retrieved 31 January 2016.
  3. ^ note: a billy tees
  4. ^ Note: See, however, section on soil, above (above this refs section, but below the lead paragraph, kind of like strata, I guess).
  5. ^ "Homepage". AuntBerryRocks. Aunt Betty. Retrieved 2 November 2015.
  6. ^ "aunt betty". Urban Dictionary. Urban Dictionary. Retrieved 2 November 2015.
  7. ^ Muldoon, Katy (14 February 2008). "Call it Oregon-pedia". The Oregonian. Archived from the original on 2 October 2012. Retrieved 16 February 2012.
  8. ^ Stevens, Michael, What I'm Typing Now, Aboutmovies {{citation}}: |access-date= requires |url= (help)
  9. ^ http://en.wikipedia.org/enwiki/w/index.php?title=Oregon&diff=prev&oldid=342339265
  10. ^ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talk:Oregon_Coast#Requested_move
  11. ^ Saker, Ann (11 January 2010). "Portland State prof takes on a new kind of museum: one on the Internet using a Wikipedia model". The Oregonian. Archived from the original on 21 July 2015. Retrieved 11 January 2010.
  12. ^ "Life Happens, But All-Girl Band Betty Keeps Rocking". NPR. 5 December 2009. Retrieved 6 August 2017.
  13. ^ "Aunt Betty's Revenge". Retrieved 2 November 2015.
  14. ^ http://www.worldwizzy.com/library/Mick_Wagner
  15. ^ Sockwell, Sally (2016). Aunt betty horns in. Mascot Books Inc. ISBN 1631774417.
  16. ^ "D.B. Cooper Redux: Help Us Solve the Enduring Mystery". Federal Bureau of Investigation. 31 December 2007. Archived from the original on 5 December 2015. Retrieved 20 January 2016. The above quote is from FBI Special Agent Larry Carr.
  17. ^ http://en.wikipedia.org/enwiki/w/index.php?title=Wikipedia%3AWikiProject_Oregon%2FAunt_Betty_%28non-notable_Oregon_relative%29&action=historysubmit&diff=408626885&oldid=398110365
  18. ^ Per personal interview with Silvertons', Bobbie, the, Wonder, Collie
  19. ^ a b c d With-an-Axe-to-Grind, Overeducated Pulitzer Prize-Winning Reporter (Never 12, 2525). Willamette Week. {{cite news}}: Check date values in: |date= (help); Missing or empty |title= (help)
  20. ^ Call the Kiteman!
  21. ^ "I'm Letting Aunt Betty Feel Awkward This Thanksgiving". glaad. Retrieved 2 November 2015.
  22. ^ "Remember the Maine!". Retrieved 11 November 1911. {{cite web}}: Check date values in: |accessdate= (help)
  23. ^ "Gravity Falls". Retrieved 14 February 1859. {{cite web}}: Check date values in: |accessdate= (help)
  24. ^ "Revelations From Governor's Fiancee Show Flair For Scandal In Oregon". Them Liberal Medias. Retrieved 21 May 2016.
  25. ^ Bird, State
  26. ^ Donastorg, Mirtha (October 11, 2016). "Oregon surfer bitten in rare shark attack". CNN. Retrieved 11 October 2016.
  27. ^ Ryals, Tyler (14 October 2016). ""Life is Strange" real life scenario. Manzanita oregon tornado". Retrieved 28 October 2016.
  28. ^ Math class
  29. ^ The Ghost of Bluebell Cottage. Don Hale. p. 259. ISBN 9781465733313.
  30. ^ "Badass Foodie: This Ain't Your Aunt Betty's Soggy Coleslaw! - Badass Fitness". badassfitness.typepad.com. Retrieved 2 November 2015.
  31. ^ That's what she said
  32. ^ Henshaw, Nevil Gratiot (1909). Aline of the Grand Woods: A Story of Louisiana. Outing Publishing Company. pp. 201, 261. Retrieved 10 November 2015.
  33. ^ "Aunt Betty on Organized Religion". The Lester & Charlie Review. Retrieved 2 November 2015.
  34. ^ "Aunt Betty on Religion". The Lester & Charlie Review. Retrieved 2 November 2015.
  35. ^ Yo momma
  36. ^ "Aunt Betty's Almanac: On Faith". The Lester & Charlie Review. Retrieved 2 November 2015.
  37. ^ Footnote withheld: supporting legislative records may not be reproduced here, as they are protected by copyright.
  38. ^ "Pep Rally". xkcd. p. 42. Retrieved 24 November 2009.
  39. ^ Lippman, Betty F. (1918). Aunt Betty's Cook Book. Bacharach Press. Retrieved 10 November 2015.
  40. ^ Source
  41. ^ "Aunt Betty: An interesting-sounding, comprehensive, and utterly unretrievable essay of her life and works". The Oregonian. Sometime prior to 1989. Retrieved never.
  42. ^ "The Oregon Encyclopedia". www.oregonencyclopedia.org. Retrieved 2015-11-23.
  43. ^ "Google". www.google.com. Retrieved 2 November 2015.
  44. ^ "Kayak/Layout dry storage : Waterfowl Boats, Motors, & Boat Blinds". www.duckhuntingchat.com. Retrieved 2 November 2015.
  45. ^ Curtin, Barbara (12 April 2014). "Oregon Encyclopedia delves into state's people, places and plants". Statesman-Journal. Retrieved 10 November 2015.
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