Maris Crane

Maris Crane is a character on the American television sitcom Frasier. Though often discussed on the show, she is never seen nor heard. This allowed the writers to exaggerate her physical characteristics and various neuroses to great comic effect, though according to the writers, they had intended Maris to appear in later episodes. After a time, however, they realized it would be impossible to cast an actress to match Maris' description, which had become "too reptile-like". Having Maris as an unseen character was inspired by Vera Peterson, Norm's oft-mentioned but rarely seen wife on Cheers.

Background and role in the series

Much of Maris's early background is unknown. A wealthy heiress, she had a luxurious and privileged upbringing, but seemingly battled body-image issues and eating disorders which continue to plague her in adult life. An entire branch of her family tree was slaughtered by the Huguenots.

Maris is described as an exceptionally insecure, petty, domineering and generally unpleasant woman, selfish and obsessed with social standing. She is described as being extremely thin and rarely eats, consuming only tiny morsels of food when she does. Frasier compares her to a bag of flour: "bleached, 100% fat-free and best kept in an air-tight container". Frasier also once sarcastically referred to Maris as "ounces of fun". She is intensely neurotic and suffers from a wide array of medical conditions and phobias. She sleeps with a pearl-handled revolver under her pillow, and has an ocelot as well as several dogs.

Her interests include sensory deprivation, cosmetic surgery, fencing and interpretive dance. She is host of a sherry-tasting group, and plays the autoharp. A dedicated shopaholic, Maris makes an annual pilgrimage to Dallas, site of the first Neiman Marcus store.

When the series begins, Maris is married to Niles Crane, Frasier's younger brother. When exactly Maris and Niles met and married is not established. Four years older than Niles, by the episode "Are You Being Served?", the two have been married for 15 years. She is part of Seattle's social elite, and claims that her family's wealth comes from timber; Niles later discovers that it actually comes from urinal cakes. Nevertheless, she disdains her husband's lower-class origins and rarely deigns to involve herself in family functions with them. Niles' brother and father dislike Maris greatly.

Maris is exceptionally domineering and emasculating towards Niles. Despite this, Niles is devoted to his wife, but as the series progress, Maris and Niles start drifting apart, partly because Niles begins to fall in love with Daphne Moon, his father's physical therapist. This culminates in a lengthy separation and ultimately an acrimonious and drawn-out divorce initiated by Niles after he discovers Maris is having an affair with their marriage counsellor.

Maris repeatedly tries to lure Niles back, but Niles remains firm, prompting Maris to respond with a bitter divorce lawsuit in which she nearly bankrupts Niles financially as well as socially.

After their divorce, Maris is heard from infrequently; on discovering that Niles has begun dating her plastic surgeon, Mel Karnofsky, Maris sinks into a depression and begins binge-eating, swelling to an enormous size. During the last year of the show, Maris is arrested for murdering her then-boyfriend, Esteban DeRojo, though she claims it was in self-defence. Frequently calling on Niles for support, she begins dominating him again until Niles finally puts his foot down and declares that Daphne, his wife, comes first.

Maris is placed under house arrest but manages to slip off the electronic bracelet and escapes to her private island in the Pacific, to live extradition-free.

Maris' quirks and medical conditions

Among other problems, it is revealed during the series that Maris exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting, cannot produce saliva, once had a $25,000 face lift and is allergic to roses. She also has abnormally rigid vertebrae, perfume gives her hives and her skin has no pigmentation. When she gets angry her eye twitches.

Foods she claims she cannot eat (due to allergies or other reasons) include shellfish, poultry, red meat, saturated fats, nitrates, wheat, starch, sulfites, MSG, dairy and nuts. She also claimed she was hypoglycaemic. This was proven false during the seventh season when she became grotestquely fat in reaction to Niles and Mel Karnofsky's relationship, eating sausages, chalupas, rich pastries and so forth. It is revealed that Maris had an eating disorder, probably anorexia, despite her small height and that she was paranoid about gaining weight due to it, explaining her normal emaciated state.

She has a fear of flying (since a bad experience when she was "bumped" from first class).

She cannot have pets because, according to Niles, she distrusts anything that loves her unconditionally.

She is too light to activate a whoopie cushion and is so weak that she once became trapped in a revolving door.

She once sprained her wrist from having too much dip on a cracker.

She cannot ride a horse because her quadriceps are so tight she cannot straddle anything larger than a border collie.

It was alluded to in the season three episode, "Where there's smoke, there's fired" that she once was addicted to cough syrup. Template:Endspoiler

Quotes

• [Through a keyhole]
  

Roz: I see her coat on a hat rack
Frasier: Look closer, is the hatrack moving?
Roz: Oh, my god!

• [About dinner reservations]
  

Frasier: Will Maris be joining us?
Niles: Oh, I'm afraid not; we were there one Christmas, seated next to a table of Italian soccer players. Maris announced she was in the mood for a goose and, perhaps inevitably, tragedy ensued.

• [On Maris not being able to have pets]
  

Niles: She distrusts anything that loves her unconditionally.

• [At a banquet]
  

Niles: Oh look, Maris has cornered Mrs Beaumont, she's been wanting to discuss getting on the museum board for months. Oh, Mrs Beaumont thinks to escape with the old freshen the drink ploy, she obviously has no idea who she's dealing with. That's right Maris, chug that sherry, on with the chase! It's Mrs Beaumont and Maris, coming around the ice sculpture, Mrs B and Maris, Mrs B and Maris, and yes, they meet again! (Roz, Frasier, Niles, Martin, and Father Mike all clap)

• [Niles, Roz and Fraiser are watching out the window of Cafe Nervosa]
  

Niles: Look, you see that rotund woman coming out of 'Chock Full o' Donuts'? Watch. Before she gets to her car, she'll finish that bear claw, and then go back in - this is her third time.
Roz: You called us over to show us that? It's rude.
Frasier: It's childish. [He and Roz walk away]
Niles: It's Maris! [They come back]

• [Niles is watching Maris walk into a deli after Chock Full o' Donuts]
  

Niles: Oh, the manager just took the three-foot salami out of the window.

• [At Frasier's peephole]
  

Niles: It's Maris! ... at least I think it is, you need a bigger peephole.

Niles: I got Maris into Dad's bedroom, but I had to butter her up a bit.
Fraiser: I was afraid that narrow doorway might pose a problem.

References

The Simpsons episode "Brother from Another Series" stars Kelsey Grammer and David Hyde Pierce as brothers, Bob and Cecil, reminiscent of their roles on Frasier. According to The Simpsons season 8 DVD commentary, writers for this episode ran the script by NBC executives and writers for Frasier. The only thing they took exception to was a brief scene showing a character named "Maris". Their argument was, "We don't show Maris." To which Kelsey Grammer repeats, "You can never show Maris." One Maris reference remained in the episode:

• Bart [holding Cecil's eyes closed from behind]: Guess who?
  Cecil: Maris?

See also

• List of unseen characters.