User:The spiderman bruhh/Great Hypostyle Hall/KateLiszka Peer Review

General info

Whose work are you reviewing?

Katea

Link to draft you're reviewing

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:The%20spiderman%20bruhh/Great_Hypostyle_Hall?veaction=edit&preload=Template:Dashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template

Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)

Great Hypostyle Hall

Evaluate the drafted changes

Katea,

Your sandbox is totally blank. So there is nothing for me to review.

KL

11/5/2024 Review

--you need citations and bibliography for everything. Citations should appear after almost every sentence.

--You spell Ramesses incorrectly

--"Originally massive blocks covered the rook of the hypostyle hall. Light enters the building through clerestory windows. A slope made of mud bricks behind the First Pylon provides some information on how these massive buildings were constructed. According to an inscription discovered beneath the base, it belonged to Rammeses II, while the one on the state itself indicates that Pinedjim took it. This is confirmed by inscriptions on some of the later monuments themselves: Tuthmosis III lone Obelisk, which his grandson had placed in the Eastern temple of Karnark, was said to be in the vicinity of Iped-sut and the hypostyles hall of set I/Ramesses II was constructed in front of Ipet-sut." -- this paragraph needs a lot of work. It jumps from idea to idea, nothing is cited, and nothing really deals with the thing before it. -- Also, I don't know why this information is in your lead.

--definitely spend time cleaning up your language and editing. Writing should be simple and succinct.

--In the lead or the architecture section you need a sentence defining what a hypostyle hall is, not just how big it is. Most people don't know.

--"The hall was not constructed by Horemheb, or Amenhotep III as earlier scholars had thought but was built entirely by Seti I who engraved the northern wing of the hall with inscriptions.Decoration of the southern wing was completed by the 19th dynasty pharaoh Ramesses II" -- this directly contradicts what is in your lead.... make sure things are consistent. And more important, state the evidence that goes with this.

--You spell Seti various ways.

--"During Sety I reign, the entire hall was constructed in one piece" -- I don't understand. There are thousands of blocks here. How was it constructed in one piece? ... Choose your words well.

--"The builders extend mud rick ramps" - eliminate typos throughout

--"the Hall's north and south" - fix capitalization throughout

--"embankments from the Hypostyle Hall" - I don't know what this is referring to

--" in the beginning of the twentieth century using fill and earthwork ramps." - I don't understand this. And I don't know why this whole section appears in this paragraph

--"Field stones, masonry debris, and leftover stone from block cutting and dressing were among the materials that might be used to make ramps in Egypt. " Are you referring to thousands of years ago or in 1899.. It's unclear and disorganized.

--"A series of succeeding pharaohs added inscriptions to the walls and the columns in places their predecessors had left blank, including Ramesses III, Ramesses IV and Ramesses VI. " -- what about seti I? I don't understand....

--the beginning of every sub section should start with a definition of what that section is about for people who are not going to read the whole thing

--"he northern side of the hall is decorated in raised relief, and was mainly Seti I's work. The southern side of the hall was completed by Ramesses II, in sunk relief although he used raised relief at the very beginning of his reign before changing to the sunk relief style and re-editing his own raised reliefs" -- don't understand the significance of this. -- maybe talk about trends in the types of reliefs instead? What kind are on the inside and what kind are on the outside?

--"On another wall adjoining the south wall of the Hall is a record of Ramesses II's Egyptian–Hittite peace treaty that he signed in Year 21 of his reign." -- are you sure? This is in the Ramesseum not Karnak. You're onto the wrong temple.

--"In 1899, eleven of the massive columns of the Great Hypostyle Hall collapsed in a chain reaction, because their foundations were undermined by ground water. Georges Legrain, who was then the chief archaeologist in the area, supervised the rebuilding that was completed in May 1902. Later, similar work had to continue in order to strengthen the rest of the columns of the Temple." - why is this under inscriptions and reliefs? Organize the article. This is randomly inserted into another section above too. There should be one place for it with its own subheading.

--"As the earth fill and ramps used in the building's construction were removed, Keith Seele surmised that the relief artwork in the Hypostyle Hall was carved from the top of the walls to the bottom at the same time that they were dressed. Because multiple reliefs naming Ramesses I appeared at the top of the west wall and because Seele mistook a scene at the bottom of the north wall for showing both Sety I and Ramesses Il as coregents when, in fact, only the former appears there twice, he thought he had found evidence for this theory in the northern section of the Hall."-- this is a lot to take in... there are tons of skipped ideas here. Write this with background that gives and explanation. And contextualize it with it's own subsections.

--" Seele was perplexed to discover a different sequence in the southern part of the building, where the three stages of Ramesses Il's reliefs proceeded laterally along the walls rather than from top to bottom as he had anticipated, even though his findings appeared to be supported by the stratigraphy of the relief decoration in the northern part of the Hall. of order to access different levels of the wall surface at specific stages of Ramesses Il's relief decorating, he came up with a complex idea that suggested the Egyptians raised earth ramps and even excavated shafts and tunnels into the building embankment. In the end, Seele was forced to acknowledge that his clumsy explanation was unable to explain how much of the decoration of Ramesses Il could have ever been sculpted." -- TMI... Just get to his conclusions and cite him. We don't need any of this story. It is not in the top 20 most historically significant things about the hall.

--"These processional lanes were a priority," -- what's a processional lane?

--"he most plausible theory, keeping in mind the Abydos cartoons," -- I have no idea what you're talking about

--Katea you have tons and tons of Content Gaps -- What is a hypostyle hall? How did the Ancient Egyptians use a hypostyle Hall? What is the organization of the decoration?

--the article should be understood by a normal person who is not in our class and who doesn't know anything about ancient Egypt. There's tons in this article that a normal person cannot follow because it is not contextualized, and it is not the most significant parts of the hall.