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Age disparity in sexual relationships

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Significant age disparity in sexual relationships has been a feature of couples in many cultures and societies. The most common pattern in heterosexual couples is an older man with a younger woman. This may be brought about as an arranged marriage, or either member may pursue and initiate the relationship. Situations involving a younger male with an older female also exist, and while not as common are considerably more common in recent years. Homosexual relationships of both sexes are also found. Age disparity in extreme cases may be seen as dysfunctional (a paraphilia) if such relationships are pursued to the exclusion of all others and to the detriment of the partners. The term alphamegamia can be used when a person is sexually aroused by partners of a different age group[1], and "chronophilia" can describe a sexual fixation on members of a different age group.

Motives

Factors leading into a search for a younger individual to share an intimate relationship with can vary wildly. One motivator may be the excitement and energy of a younger mate, which improves the personal well-being of the older partner. Some older partners may seek the connection with the culture of youth, maintaining a connection with the fashion, the music, the media which their age group has ostensibly outgrown. Lastly, a common perception of younger mates is that they serve the purpose of a "trophy", or object of status; This motive is usually associated with males rather than females, as there are arguably fewer societal pressures on women to find an attractive mate.

Younger partners may be attracted to older mates out of innate desire, or may be searching for someone who is socially or financially more secure. A modern stereotype is that of a young adult pursuing relationships with older mates in order to compensate for a lack of parental bond with a mother or father during childhood.

Many psychologists study the phenomenon of age disparity, and have observed certain extremes of the above referenced behavior. They have coined a number of terms to describe various types of psychological preferences [2]:

  • Chronophilia is a general term, applied to any age-related preference.
  • Ephebophilia is the attraction of older individuals to adolescents, a phenomenon generally not assigned a separate term in most cultures unless it is between adult males and adolescent boys.
  • Infantophilia is the attraction of older individuals to small children (ages ranging from 0 to 5).
  • Pedophilia is the attraction of older individuals to pre-adolescents.
  • Teleiophilia, a generally unused term, is the attraction of younger individuals to older individuals.
  • Gerontophilia is the attraction of non-elderly individuals to the elderly.

Age disparity as paraphilia

There is also the issue of whether all age-disparate relationships fall under the definition of paraphilia. Individuals who exclusively pursue age-disparate relationships are generally classified by psychologists as parasexual, that is, their behavior is qualitatively different from the norm. Individuals who occasionally pursue age-disparate relationships are not included in this category, except in the popular press. As is speculated with other practices considered paraphilia, sexual imprinting may play a role in age-disparate relationships.

The "half-your-age-plus-seven" rule

File:Half-your-age-plus-seven-graph.JPG
Half-Your-Age-Plus-Seven Graph

The "half-your-age-plus-seven rule" is a mathematical guide to judge whether the age difference in an intimate relationship is socially acceptable.[3][4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] Mathematically speaking, the rule is:

For example, if Shane is 30 and wants to date Kristen, who is 20, he would be in violation of the rule, the minimum age being 22. Notice, however, that the age difference matters less as the potential partners grow older. In this case, Shane would have four years to wait before the age difference in the relationship was "socially acceptable". This formula falls apart at 13, because 13/2+7=13.5, which is older instead of younger. At 14, it means that you could only date a 14 year old.

Note that what is implied by "socially acceptable" is largely a cultural construct, and has varied over time.

Social criticism

In some societies age-disparate relationships are seen as aberrant or even perverse. Historically, the "gold digger" mentality has been frowned upon as being akin to prostitution. The age difference that is generally accepted by modern society varies directly with the age of the individuals involved in the relationship; larger differences are more acceptable with older individuals. For example, while an eight-year difference might be considered unacceptable (and illegal in some places) between a 23-year-old and a 15-year-old, it is less remarkable between a 30-year-old and a 22-year-old, and generally unnoticed completely between a 58-year-old and a 50-year-old.

It is often seen as being less remarkable if the older partner is male, rather than female.[citation needed]

Response to criticism

Both children and adolescents involved in relationships with large age disparity have defended their relationship against societal condemnation. They view their relationships as consensual and non-abusive.[10][11]

Slang terms

A number of slang terms exist to describe pairings in which one individual is much older than the other:

  • Cougar refers to an older woman, usually in her late 30's or 40's who sexually pursues younger men. Term used by motion picture movie Oceans 13 and the NBC reality tv show Age of Love. The term may have first appeared in Canada, likely originating as a reference to British Columbia settler "Cougar Annie" (so called because she shot many cougars in the vicinity), who was married to someone significantly younger than herself. It may also derive from "Mrs. Robinson" (see below).
  • Puma* aka young cougar, usually in their late 20's to early 30's.
  • Bobcat refers to a woman in her 30's who sexually pursues younger men.
  • Jaguar* aka old cougar, usually in their late 40's to early 60's.
  • Haguar, a seldom-used neologism, refers to an unattractive older woman, usually in her 40s, who makes unsuccessful sexual advances on younger men (e.g. an ugly Cougar; etymologically the word appears to be a portmanteau of "hag" and "jaguar", possibly conformed to approximate the Spanish pronunciation of the latter word).
  • Preguma*, a neologism, refers to an attractive single pregnant woman in her 20's-30's that pursues relationships with other men. It is rarely used.
  • Boy toy (Toy boy UK)refers to a young boy or man in a relationship with an older woman or man. Use of this terminology is considered by some to be impolite.
  • Merlin refers to an older man, usually in his 50's or 60's who sexually pursues younger women. Originates from the aged wizard Merlin who famously fell in love with the much younger Nimue.
  • Chickenhawk describes an older gay man who sexually pursues younger males, i.e. "twinks"/"chickens" or underage boys. The term was used as the name of a television documentary on the subject of NAMBLA.
  • Golddigger refers to a relationship in which a young person pursues an older person for monetary gain.
  • Jailbait refers to a particularly sexually attractive person, female or male, below the legal age of consent. This designation connotes enticement to endanger oneself of being prosecuted for statutory rape.
  • Lolita refers to a sexually precocious young girl who is the object of desire of a significantly older man. Used in English the term refers to the title character of Vladimir Nabokov's novel Lolita, who is referred to by the book's narrator, Humbert Humbert, as a nymphet. While "nymphet" is still used to refer to children, "Lolita" has come to be applied to older adolescents and young women in the context of pornography.
  • May-December Romance is a general and non-prejudicial expression for an age-disparate relationship. The expression draws an implicit analogy between one's lifetime and the time of year. Thus "May" refers to the younger partner, who is in the spring of his or her life. "December" is the elder partner, in the winter of his or her life.
  • MILF (Wiktionary link) - (Mother I'd Like to Fuck) refers to mothers who attract the sexual attention of high-school boys. This acronym was popularized by the movie American Pie and is frequently referred to in pornography. The term is also sometimes euphemistically construed as standing for Mama Is Looking Fine.[citation needed]
  • DILF - (Dad I'd Like to Fuck) Compare to MILF.
  • Mrs. Robinson, a reference to the movie The Graduate, refers to an older woman romantically involved with a younger man (most likely can be referred to as a Cougar (slang) as well. As the character of Mrs. Robinson wears clothes with animal print motifs, including the skin patterns of predatory felines, it is tempting to consider that character as a possible origin for the slang cougar.
  • Robbing the Cradle (also known as Cradle Snatching) may refer to a situation in which an older individual seduces a much younger one; the term stigmatizes the act through its use of the word "robbing". The tone of this phrase is highly situational—in some cases, where consensuality in a relationship is clear, it is often used in a jesting manner, but where consensuality may not be evident, it can be intended in a very pejorative sense. People who 'rob the cradle' are commonly called "cradle snatchers" or "cradle robbers", and are often met with derision by third parties.
  • Robbing the Grave may refer to the opposite situation, where the object of affection is an elderly person. As it makes punning reference to archaeological tomb robbers, the term is often used to convey a similar idea to "gold digging", when a wealthy elderly person marries a much younger spouse and the speaker or writer believes that the younger partner hopes to receive part of the fortune upon the older spouse's death. Some editorial writers used the term in reference to the marriage of J.H. Marshall and Vickie Smith (who later adopted the pseudonym Anna Nicole Smith).
  • Tadpoling refers to a situation in which an older woman (cougar) seduces a much younger man (the tadpole).
  • Trophy Wife usually applied to a physically attractive younger woman married to a man who has obtained a high level of success.
  • Sugar Baby usually refers to a young girl who is the mistress/lover/companion of a richer, typically financially benevolant older man. This older man would be known as a sugar daddy. The term 'Sugar Baby' was popularised in the 1970s song 'Sugar Baby Love.'
  • Sugar Daddy (originally literally referring to a sugar plantation owner in the southern U.S.) refers to a rich, usually older man who offers money or gifts to a less rich, usually younger person in return for companionship or sexual favours. This differs from prostitution in that the older man is usually the sole financial provider to the younger person.
  • Sugar Mama (compare to sugar daddy) refers to a rich, usually older woman who offers money or gifts to a less rich, usually younger person in return for companionship or sexual favors.
  • Fraubtier German term equivalent to cougar or MILF . Translation is portmanteau of "frau" for woman and "raubtier" for predator. It has gained recent popularity in the Rheinland and Saarland provinces of Germany.
  • Veterana Cuban term equivalent of a cougar. Translation is feminine word for veteran. Signifies an experienced older woman who sexually takes charge of a younger male.

Famous relationships that have violated the rule

The following is a list of famous relationships that have violated the abovementioned "half-your-age-plus-seven" rule; the ages listed are that at the time of their weddings.

See also

References

  1. ^ Sex Dictionary
  2. ^ Definition of Ephebophilia
  3. ^ [1] Judy Steinberg and Raechel Donahue, "Fabulous After Fifty And Sexy at Sixty!" Plume paperback(2006), ISBN-10: 0452287375 .(page 35:"The seven year rule is a pretty good yardstick. Pick a man who is half your age plus seven.") retrieved July 24, 2007
  4. ^ [2] Danchai Mekadenaumporn, "Sex and the Saferide. Better with Age." The Tech (newspaper) , Massachusetts Institute of Technology vol 142, issue 3, February 10, 2004. retrieved July 24, 2007
  5. ^ [3] Catherine E. Toth, "About women: Not dating may reveal the secret to what dating's really about." The Honolulu Advertiser November 12, 2002. retrieved July 24, 2007
  6. ^ [4] Stuart Peters, news and current affairs commentator, online column, Manx Radio, Isle of Man, July 24, 2007. retrieved July 24, 2007
  7. ^ [5] "A Double Cohort digression." The Silhouette McMaster University, Volume 74, Issue 4, September 11, 2003. retrieved July 24, 2007
  8. ^ [6] Lerwick Trevor, "Golden Jubilee NHS National Hospital." BBC Scotland, January 31, 2007. retrieved July 24, 2007
  9. ^ [7] "xx and xy" "The High Hard One: a sex column" The Amherst Student," the newspaper of Amherst College, November 10, 2004. retrieved July 24, 2007
  10. ^ Sandfort, T. (1987). Boys on their contacts with men: A study of sexually expressed friendships, New York: Global Academic Publishers, 1987.
  11. ^ Wolak, J., Finkelhor, D., & Mitchell, K. (2004). Internet-initiated sex crimes against minors: Implications for prevention based on findings from a national study. Journal of adolescent health, 2004; 35, 5.

References