User:Doctor Nicetan

I am known as Doctor Nicetan in the self-help groups that I frequent on the Internet. As a person diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Depression and Codependency for over thirty years, I feel that I know a great deal about these subjects and other disorders. I would like to share the information that I have found by incorporating it in the articles here at Wikipedia.

It has been a "down week" for me. I cried myself to sleep last night, Nathaniel holding me and whispering that everything would be ok. But all I could think about was not waking up. I wanted to get away from this overwhelming sadness. I feel so alone.

I am overly sensitive to everything and get my feelings hurt easily. I wish I could live somewhere away from people, where I could be alone and think without all the sounds and movement of the city, somewhere I could center myself and find some peace. The constant going here and there is starting to wear me down. I rarely have more than an hour or two at home before I have to leave again.

I’ve always had the safety of home to retreat to, when things start closing in on me. But lately? I hate being home. One of the biggest lessons I’ve tried to teach my adopted and step-kids is the importance of being kind. Respect for others is equally important, especially when you have nine people in a house. The kids, even the little ones, have picked up on this. One thing I can say is that they are always sweet to me, even if they are fighting with each other. When I do have to reprimand them, I am more likely to get a hug and a kiss than a mean look. Over the past month or so, things with the girls [my two stepdaughters] has deteriorated to the point I feel like crawling under a rock. They have been talking to their mom a lot and spending more time with her. In fact, this weekend they spent the night with her for the first time in almost two years. This is what we’ve been working for and things are finally straightening out. But the girls have been treating me so bad. They yell at me, ignore me, walk away when I’m talking. If they do listen, they talk back. If I ask them to do something, they refuse or do such a bad job I have to take over and redo it. As soon as Nathaniel is around, they act fine. I don’t think he has a clue about how horrible it is to be around them right now. By the end of the day, I feel drained emotionally.

Last night, Nathaniel pointed out what I already know: the girls are acting out because they are spending time with their mom. I know. I know. I know. But I still get my feelings hurt. And it makes dealing with my depression difficult when I don’t have a place where I feel safe. I hate talking to Nathaniel about this, because they are his daughters and I don’t want him to think that I am singling them out as different. Yet, their behavior IS different and I don’t want the other kids to pick up on their bad attitudes and think disrespect is acceptable.

We picked up our trailer yesterday. Nathaniel’s brother borrowed it for a few months and it feels good to have it back. Today, I’m going to clean it and restock it. Nathaniel is going to fix a few minor problems and I’m going to look forward to taking it out next weekend. I want to go somewhere the kids can run and play. I want to take pictures. I want to watch Nathaniel build a campfire and listen to him sing to me. I want to feel the love again.