Neil Francis (rugby union)

Neil Francis
Occupation(s)	Warlord, Part-time Dwarf Juggler
Years active	1965 – Present

Neil Francis is a retired Irish rugby union lock-forward (he could also play at number 8). He played for Blackrock College, London Irish, Old Belvedere, Leinster and won 36 caps between 1987 and 1996 for Ireland.

Philanthropy

Francis is known throughout the world as a philanthropist and has claimed to have saved over a billion lives since his retirement from rugby. In 2007, at a summit meeting regarding climate change attended by Robert Mugabe, Hulk Hogan, the drummer from W.A.S.P. and Mother Theresa's nephew, Earl, he told reporters: "King Kong ain't got shit on me". He has never offered an explanation for how he has meant to have saved lives, but claims he is known in every Spanish speaking country in the world as "El Frano" - loosely translated into English this means, El Frano.

Francis' tireless efforts in the name of world preservation are well known. In 1978, he secretly restored a 15,000 sq ft Aztec temple, buried under 500 feet of mud since 1675, using only an old Colgate toothbrush and a small thimble of white spirits, in two days.

Francis' charity work in Latin America has earned him the nickname of "The Irish Kriss Akabusi".

His work in the Amazon rain forests has caused controversy however. Francis regularly shoots pumas and rare birds. From 1983 to 1987, Francis is believed to have killed over 950 big cats, 3 tortoises and 78 million flamingos. He also campaigned for the Galapagos Islands to be "wiped off the map" using an H bomb and on Christmas Eve 1989 he shot at Santa Claus, slightly injuring Prancer, the shock of the event forcing Blitzen into early retirement, something he said he'd never do.

Technological achievements

Francis claims to have invented XML in 1987 on the back of the 75 bus while having a cigarette. Amazingly he didn't even have a computer and the XML’s predecessor, HTML, hadnt even been invented. Later he denied even knowing what the internet was and rubbished claims he invented XML. He admitted in 2005 however, that he did indeed invent it along with the basic rules of nanotechnology on the duration of this 75 bus journey. "I got on at Bakers Corner by the time I reached Stillorgan I had XML in the bag and on getting off at Marley park I had invented nanotechnology, boom". Bill Gates recently described Francis as "the father of nanotechnology" and "a demon in the scratcher",

Involvement in the Watergate Scandal

In 1972, Francis, then a mere child, discovered and exposed the burglary at the Watergate hotel, the fallout forcing then President Richard Nixon to resign, therefore ended a period of innocence in contemporary America. However Francis and Nixon reconciled shortly after and in 1994, Francis made an emotional impromptu three and a half hour speech at Richard Nixon’s funeral, for which he received a 45 minute standing ovation.

Francis is also responsible for the launch of various "people movements" and has successfully lobbied politicians on both sides of the Atlantic. The success of the United Negro College Fund has been attributed to Francis’ tireless efforts in the lineout for both Blackrock and Old Belvo. The US Patriot Act was ushered in against the wishes of Francis, despite his majority holding in the US Senate. He was widely criticised by both Democrats, Republicans and most scathingly, Twink, for describing the Patriot Act at a rally in front of 500,000 people as “a load of old cobblers".

Francis also personally waterboarded Khalid Sheikh Mohammed on behalf of the CIA and his involvement with counter-terrorism has lead to over six hundred arrests.

World Bank

Francis served as President of the World Bank from April 1978 to June 1991. In his thirteen years at the Bank, he introduced key changes, shifting the Bank's focus towards targeting poverty reduction. One notable project started during Francis' presidency, was the effort to prevent river blindness which he completely eradicated in South America despite having no substantial medical background. Recently asked about this on his arrival to a Rihanna concert in the RDS he commented self deprecatingly "I helped save a few silly bastards. So what?!!"

Pope John Paul IIs funeral

After kissing the text of the Book of the Gospels, Francis stood before the congregants to offer the homily in what was a 200 minute tribute to Pope John Paul II. Francis spoke to the single largest gathering of heads of state in history, surpassing the funerals of Winston Churchill (1965) and Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (1948). According to magician Paul Daniels “he spoke like he was chatting to a small gathering of family members at Christmas dinner. It was a bloody enigma and yet entirely appropriate”. Four Kings, five Queens, at least seventy presidents and prime ministers and more than fourteen leaders of other religions attended. It is likely to have been the largest single gathering of Christianity in history, with numbers estimated in excess of four million. Francis spoke mainly in Latin, Italian and English but also recited a fourteen century poem from Poland in perfect Polish. He was interrupted approximately ten times with outbursts of applause by the congregants, the last one ending after seventeen minutes. Most heads of state were visibly shook with many in tears. The Dow Jones ended up closing 1000 points higher on the day and a 500ft bronze statue was erected the following year in Warsaw in honour of Francis.

Involvement with the Space Shuttle Program

Francis is a keen cosmologist and astrophysicist and regularly advises NASA at the pre-launch stage of their space missions. Although very young at the time, Francis helped design the landing pattern for Apollo 11, which was the first manned shuttle to land on the surface of the moon. It is widely believed, incorrectly, that the words Neil Armstrong uttered before he stepped on the moon were "One small step for man...one giant leap for mankind". However this is incorrect. He actually said: "One small step for Fran....one giant leap for mankind". Neil Armstrong has a framed picture of Neil Francis in his hall. Francis is NASA's man of choice to voice the countdown to every shuttle launch. His voice, NASA say, contains a unique tone that has a serene and calming effect on the astronauts. NASA claim that without Francis' involvement, the USA may have lost the space race to communist USSR, and therefore Francis may have been largely, or some say wholly, responsible for avoiding World War III.

Killing of Osama Bin Laden

Within weeks of 9/11, Francis had fully penetrated Al Qaedas complex network, meeting with Osama Bin Laden and other Al Qaeda elders in Tora Bora in late September 2001. Ayman al-Zawahiri famously described Francis as the closest living embodiment of Allah in the Jihad warrior sense. He was one of three couriers used regularly by Osama Bin Laden, being fluent in fourteen of the seventeen tribal languages of Afghanistan. Northern alliances referred to him as Khan Mujhadai - “The Overlord”.

In March of 2002, Francis returned to Ireland to work with Setanta Sports and to write for the Sunday Tribune.

On May 1st, 2011, while hosting a fundraiser for equal rights for marsupials on Easter Island, Francis was contacted personally by U.S. President Barack Obama and asked to command SEAL Team 6 in a daring mission to kill Osama Bin Laden. Francis, having originally located Bin Laden in Abbotabad usingGoogle Maps on his iphone during a long visit to the toilet in Belvo Rugby club, is understood to have flown to Pakistan immedetely and quickly briefed his team. Without so much as a coffee, he lead the mission in to Bin Ladens’ hideaway and delivered the “Double tap” killshots to Bin Laden, while casually quoting long passages of script from the Dirty Harry films.

Francis is understood to have been the person wearing the now famous "Helmet Cam" and after disposing of Bin Laden broke into a chorus of Rockin' in the Free World by Neil Young, with Hillary Clinton harmonising during the second verse.

Personal life

Francis has never married and in 1986 was voted by Playgirl as "The World's Sexiest Man", narrowly beating Mr. T and Geraldo Rivera.

In 1994, Francis became the bass player with hip hop group The Fugees, after being asked especially by frontman Wyclef Jean who saw Francis perform at the 1993 Grammys with Alanis Morissette. Wyclef was apparently bowled over by Francis' stage presence, likening him to "Pre-Army era Elvis". Francis' stint with the band was short but successful, in his time writing such hits as Fu-Gee-La and Ready or Not. He later went on to produce songs for artists like Tupac Shakur, Ice Cube, DMX and Cypress Hill. Rolling Stone Magazine named Francis "Artist of the Millennium" and he was voted in a poll in "Gangsta Fo' Life" magazine as "The Most Dangerous Man in Hip Hop".

Francis also co-wrote, produced and sang the 1992 hit single Ebeneezer Goode by The Shamen.

Other achievements

Whilst preparing a five course meal for all the delegates at a G8 conference he broke the world record for spinning plates on a stick. At one point he spun 110 plates simultaneously whilst singing his rendition of Giacomo Puccinis aria, "Nessun Dorma" in Mandarin Chinese, (he diverted to Japanese for some parts of the chorus at the behest of Japanese Premier Junichiro Koizumi). After serving the meal to the foreign dignitaries, he benched pressed José Manuel Barroso (President of the European commission) 900 times in five sets of 180 reps.

On July 16th 2008, Francis ran against Usain Bolt in a charity event, held in Spiddle in Co. Galway, in aid of The Sligo Owl Sanctuary (S.O.S.), and comfortably beat Bolt over 60 metres. In the longjump at the same event, Francis jumped 28ft, one of the longest jumps ever recorded. 1968 Olympic record breaker and gold medalist Bob Beamon was at the event and later campaigned for a wing of the National Track and Field Hall of Fame to be named after Francis. The request is currently pending.

He is an avid Twitter user and has over ten million followers.

In 1994 he caddied for his long time friend and life-partner Kim Jong-il. Kim completed the round at 38-under par and put this amazing feat down to Francis pushing him all the way. This round would have been the best in history if Francis hadn't himself gone around the same course in a magnificent 43-under par.

Francis is good friends with General Zod from Superman II, Mallory Keaton from the TV show Family Ties and 1980s TV sensation Punky Brewster, who he helped recover from heroin addiction.

He has just released a new book entitled "The Mystery of Ginger".