Russian jokes

Russian jokes or anekdoty (Russian: анекдо́ты), the most popular form of Russian humour, are short fictional stories or dialogues with a punch line. Russian joke culture features a series of categories with fixed and highly familiar settings and characters. Surprising effects are achieved by an endless variety of plots. Russians love jokes on topics found everywhere in the world, be it sex, politics, spouse relations, or mothers-in-law. This article discusses Russian joke subjects that are peculiar to Russian or Soviet culture.

Every category has a host of hopelessly untranslatable jokes that rely on linguistic puns, wordplay, and Russian's rich vocabulary of foul language. Below, (L) marks jokes whose humor value critically depends on untranslatable features of the Russian language.

Stereotypes

Fixed characters

Standartenführer Stirlitz

Standartenführer Stirlitz, alias Colonel Isayev is a character from the Soviet TV series “Seventeen Moments of Spring” (“Семнадцать мгновений весны”, based on a novel by Yulian Semyonov) played by the popular actor Vyacheslav Tikhonov about a Soviet intelligence officer who infiltrates Nazi Germany. Stirlitz interacts with Nazi officials Walther Schellenberg, Ernst Kaltenbrunner, Martin Bormann, Heinrich Müller. In the jokes he interacts with them as well as with fictional female radist Kat, pastor Schlag, professor Pleischner and other heroes of the series. Usually two-liners told in parody of the stern and solemn announcement style of the background voice in the original series, the plot is resolved in grotesque plays on words or in dumb parodies of overly-smart narrow escapes and superlogical trains of thought of the "original" Stirlitz.

The words "Stirlitz is an asshole!" were chalked on the wall of the Reichschancellory. The entire Nazi party was snickering about it... And only Stirlitz knew that he had been awarded the title of Hero of the Soviet Union.
Stirlitz sits in his office. Someone knocks. "It's Bormann," thinks Stirlitz. "Yes, it's me," thinks Bormann.
Stirlitz opened the door. The light went on. Stirlitz closed the door. The light went out. Stirlitz opened the door again. The light went on! Stirlitz closed the door. The light went out! "A fridge!!!" concluded Stirlitz.
Stirlitz thought. He liked it and thought once again.
Stirlitz went through the streets of Berlin in the night and thought: what sets him apart from the usual German? His open-air look? His military bearing? Or maybe the parachute dragging behind him?

Poruchik Rzhevsky

Poruchik Rzhevsky is a cavalry officer. In the aristocratic setting of high-society balls and 19th century social sophistication, Rzhevsky, famous of brisk but not very smart remarks, keeps ridiculing the decorum with his vulgarities. In the jokes, he's often seen interacting with characters from the novel War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. The name is borrowed from a character from a popular 1960s comedy, Hussar Ballad, bearing little in common with the folklore hero.

Kniaz Obolenski asks Poruchik Rzhevsky: "Tell me, Poruchik, how come you're so good with the ladies? What's your secret!" / "It's quite simplement, Kniaz, quite simplement. I just come over and say: 'Hey, wanna fuck?'" / "But Poruchik, you'll get slapped in the face for that!" / "Oui, some of them slap, but some of them fuck!"

Poruchik Rzhevsky asks his aide: "Stepan, there is a grand ball tonight. Got any new puns for me to tell there?" — "Sure, sir, how about this rhyme: 'Adam had Eve... right on the eve... of their very last day in the Eden...'" — "That's a good one!". Later, at the ball: "Messieurs, messieurs! My Stepan taught me a funny chanson ridicule: 'Adam fucked Eve at dawn...' Pardon, not like that... 'Adam and Eve fucked through the night ...' Er... Hell, basically they fucked, but it was absolutement splendid in the verse!"

"Colonel," Poruchik Rzhevsky asked, "What were your main hobbies when you were younger?" "Hunting and women," said the colonel." "What were you hunting?" "Women."

Poruchik Rzhevsky puts his clothes on and is about to leave a lady he met the day before. "Hey, what about the money?" the girl asks. Rzhevsky turns around and proudly says: "We Hussars do not take money!"

The popularity of the jokes branched over to other areas of Russian culture.

Rabinovich

Rabinovich is an archetypal Russian Jew. He is a weaselly type, hates the Soviet government, and is sometimes a otkaznik (refusenik), who is refused permission to emigrate to Israel.

Rabinovich fills out an application form. The official is skeptical: "You stated that you don't have any relatives abroad, but you do have a brother in Israel." / "Yes but he isn't abroad, I am abroad!"

Seeing a pompous and luxurious burial of a member of the Politburo, Rabinovich shakes his head: "What a waste! With all this money I could have buried the whole Politburo!"

Every day Rabinovich takes a paper from the newsstand, glances at the front page, and puts it back. After some time the salesman asks him: "What are you looking for in there?" "An obituary." "But the obituaries are in the back!" "The one I am looking for will be on the front page."

Vovochka

Vovochka is the Russian equivalent of Little Johnny. He interacts with his school teacher, Marivanna, a spoken shortened form of Maria Ivanovna, a common Russian name. The name itself is a diminutive form of Vladimir, creating the "little boy" effect. His fellow students bear similarly diminutive names. This "little boy" name is used in contrast with Vovochka's wisecracking, adult, often obscene statements. Some of these jokes also play on "Vovochka" being a diminutive for "Vladimir", the first name of the Bolshevik leader Vladimir Lenin, as well as the current president Vladimir Putin.

In biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the board: "Children, could someone tell me what this is?" Vovochka raises his hand: "It's a cock, Marivanna!" Maria Ivanovna bursts into tears and runs out. In a minute the principal bursts in: "Alright, what did you do now? It's something new every day! Yesterday you break a window, and today...," he looks around, "...and today you draw a cock on the blackboard?"
The teacher asks the class to produce a word that starts with the letter "A"; Vovochka happily raises his hand and says "Asshole!". The teacher, shocked, responds "For shame! There's no such word!". "That's strange," says Vovochka, "an asshole exists, but the word doesn't!"
Since the election of Vladimir Putin, some jokes about Vovochka are considered political. (joke.)

Chapayev

Vasily Ivanovich Chapayev, a Red Army hero of the Russian Civil War, was featured in a very popular 1934 biopic. Other characters from the biopic like his aide-de-camp Petka (Peter), Anka The Machine-Gunner (Anna), and commissar Furmanov, all based on real people, are also featured in the jokes. Most common topics are about their fight with the monarchist White Army, Chapayev's futile attempts to enroll into the Frunze Military Academy, and the circumstances of his death; he was machine-gunned by the Whites while attempting to flee across the Ural River.

"I flunked again, Petka. The question was about Caesar, and I told them it's a stallion from the 7th cavalry squadron." / "Oh, sorry about that, Vasili Ivanovich, I had him moved to the 6th!"

Chapayev, Petka and Anka, in hiding from the Whites, are crawling across a field, first Anka, then Petka and Chapayev last. Petka says to Anka, "Your mother must have been a dancer -- your legs are so fine!" Chapayev responds, "And your father, Petka, must have been a plowman: you are leaving such a deep furrow!"

On the occasion of an anniversary of the October Revolution, Furmanov gives a political lecture to the rank and file: "...And now we are on our glorious way to the shining horizons of Communism!" / "How did it go?", Chapayev asks Petka afterwards. "Exciting!... But unclear. What the hell is a horizon?" / "See Petka, it is a line you may see far away in the steppe when the weather is good. And it's a tricky one -- no matter how long you ride towards it, you'll never reach it. You'll only wear down your horse." (Many other folk characters have starred in this joke as well, including Rabinovich.)

A teacher learns that Vovochka's grandfather met Chapaev during the Russian Civil War. She asks him to come to the class on the eve of the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution and tell the kids about his memories. The old man reluctantly agrees. Kids meet him with excitement: "Say, gramps, did you see Chapayev with your own eyes?" / "Indeed I did. There I was, on the bank of the Ural river, a Maxim machine gun firmly in my hands. Suddenly I see someone swimming across the river! His Excellency orders me, fire Ivan, fire! Well, kids, that was the last I ever saw of Chapaev!"

Fantomas

Some older jokes involve Fantomas, a fictional criminal and master of disguise from a French detective series Fantomas, films based on which were once wildly popular in Russia. His archenemy is Inspector Juve, charged with catching him. Fantomas's talent for disguise is usually the focus of the joke, allowing for jokes featuring all sorts of other characters:

"Haha!" said Fantomas as he snuck out of Sophia Loren's bedroom and took off his Carlo Ponti mask. "Haha!" said Inspector Juve later as he snuck out of Sophia Loren's bedroom and took off his Sophia Loren mask.

(From the days of Golda Meir) Fantomas sneaks into Mao Zedong's private chamber as the latter is on his deathbed, and takes off his mask. "Well, Petka, fate sure does have a way of scattering friends all over the world, doesn't it?", says Mao. "Ah, if you only knew, Vasily Ivanovich," responds Fantomas, "what our Anka has been up to in Israel!"

Vanka and Manka

Vanka and Manka (i.e., Ivan and Mariya) are a rustic couple with typically Russian names, visiting a large city and confronted with urban civilization.

Vanka and Manka came to Moscow and went to a restaurant. Noticing that they were horribly out of fashion, they rush into a restroom, Manka cuts a deep decollete, using the cut fabric to hack bell-bottoms for Vanka's pants. Fixed up, they order lunch. The orchestra plays soft music. Manka purrs moodily: "My breast is on fire from Tchaikovsky's music!" Vanka looks up: "Dummy, take your tit out of your borscht!"

New Russians

New Russians, i.e. the nouveau-riche, arrogant and poorly educated post-perestroika businessmen and gangsters, are a new and very popular category of characters in contemporary Russian jokes. A common plot is the interaction of a New Russian in his archetypal Mercedes S600 with a regular Russian in his modest Soviet-era Zaporozhets after having had a car accident. The New Russian is often a violent criminal or at least speaks criminal argot, with a number of neologisms (or common words with skewed meaning) typical among New Russians. In a way, these anecdotes are a continuation of the Soviet-era series about Georgians, who were then depicted as extremely wealthy. The physical appearance of the New Russians is often that of overweight men with short haircut, thick gold chains and crimson jackets, with their fingers in the horns gesture, riding "600th Mers" and showing off their wealth.

"Daddy, all my schoolmates are riding the bus, and I am the black sheep in this 600th Mers." / "No worries, son. I'll buy you a bus, and you'll ride as everyone else!"
"Look at my new tie," says a New Russian to his colleague. "I bought it for 500 dollars in the store over there." "You got yourself conned," says the other. "You could have paid twice as much for the same one just across the street!"
What did the New Russian say to the Old Jew? "Can I borrow some money, Dad?"
A New Russian's son asks his father for some money to buy a movie ticket. The fathers says, "You know where the money is, take some!"/"How much, daddy?"/"Five centimeters."

Animals

Jokes set in the animal kingdom also feature stereotypes, such as the violent Wolf, the sneaky (female) Fox, the cocky coward Hare, the strong, simple-minded Bear, and the multi-dimensional Hedgehog.

The bear, the wolf, the hare and the fox are playing cards. The bear warns, shuffling: "No cheating! If I catch anyone cheating, I'll punch her in the face... that's right, her smug red-furred face!"

"If something has spilled from somewhere, then that must mean that something has poured into somewhere else," the drunken hedgehog mused philosophically when the campers quarrelled over a broken bottle. ("Drunken hedgehog" is a kind of multipurpose Russian cliche.)

Animals in Russian jokes are and were very well aware of politics in the realm of humans.

A bunch of animals, including a rooster sit in a prison and brag why they had landed there. <Scores of versions of funny tales by Fox, Wolf, etc.> The rooster doesn't take part in this. Someone asks: "And what was with you?" - "I am not talking to you criminals. I am a political prisoner!" - "How come?" - "I pecked a Young Pioneer in his ass!"

It doesn't seem to be a coincidence that a rooster gets into prison for this, because in Russian and post-Soviet prison slang, "petuh" (rooster) is a male prisoner who is either a homosexual or set to be the receiving end of sexual intercourse or a combination of both... The latter part of the sentence needs some informative cleanup.

Hence, the joke is not just (or not as much) a political joke but (also) a prison joke:

In law, USSR code prohibited male homosexualism and people caught were imprisoned. (Lesbians were unaffected by the law itself, but still had to be discrete because of networking with gays.)
The crux of the joke appears to show that this particular rooster doesn't want other animals to learn about his misdeed, because if they did, fertile soil would be prepared for the rooster's subsequent physical exploitation, which he is trying to avoid. -- In the beginning, the rooster is not volunteering about why he landed in the prison. The claim and purported reasons for being a political prisoner are an attempt to defer other animals' attention away from his homosexual misdemeanour.

If the joke was to be spoken in Russian, mentioning the rooster would serve as a hint to the above.

Often animal jokes are in fact fables, i.e., their punchline is (or eventually becomes) a kind of a maxim.

The hare walks through a forest and meets the running camel. The hare asks: "What's the matter? Why such a haste?" "The camels there are caught and shot." The hare starts running too. The camel asks: "Why are you running? You're not a camel!" "When you are caught and shot, try to prove you're not a camel!" (This joke is the origin of the popular Russian say "try to prove you are not a camel" in the sense "try to prove postfactum that you did not do anything wrong".)

The hare sits in front of the bush and writes something. There comes a wolf. "Hey, what are you writing?" "My Ph.D. thesis." "And what is its subject?" "'Hares eating other beasts'." "But how is it possible?" "Look behind the bush, you will know." The wolf enters the bushes and never comes back. Then there comes a bear. The same happens. In the evening the hare collects his papers and looks behind the bushes. There, on a heap of bones, sits a well-fed lion. Moral: The thesis subject doesn't matter, but who your academic advisor is, does.

Drunkards

Two drunks get onto a bus. One of them asks "Will this bus take me to 25th Street?" The bus driver says, "No, it won't." After a pause, the other man inquires "What about me?"

A drunkard takes a leak by a lamp pole in the street. A policeman tries to reason him: "Can't you see the latrine is just 25 steps away?" The drunkard replies: "Do you think I got me a damn fire hose in my pants here?"

Drunk #1 is slowly walking, bracing himself against a fence and stumbling. He comes across Drunk #2, who is lying next to the fence. "What a disgrace! Lying around like a pig! I'm ashamed for you." "You just keep on walking, demagogue! We'll see what you're gonna do when you run out of fence!"

Policemen

These often revolve around the supposition that the vast majority of Russian and Soviet militsioners (policemen) accept bribes. Also, they are not considered to be very bright.

An intelligence test was conducted among the OMON (Russian Special forces) involving variously shaped and sized holes and pegs. The conclusion states that the OMON can be divided into two groups: complete idiots and very strong.

Three prizes were awarded for the successes in Socialist competition of militsia department #18. The third prize is the Complete Works of Vladimir Lenin. The second prize is 100 rubles and a ticket to Sochi... The first prize is a portable stop sign. (There are several of versions with this punch line about the stop sign. This one depicts a Soviet peculiarity. A portable stop sign allows the militsioner to put it in an unexpected or hard to see place on a road, fine everyone passing it and appropriate most of the fines for himself.)

Q: Why does the militsiaman's uniform have five metal buttons on the cuffs of the sleeves?

A: To prevent him from wiping his nose with the sleeve.

Q: Why are these buttons so shiny?

A: They do it anyway.

A person on a bus tells a joke: "Do you know why policemen always go in pairs?" / "No, why?" / "It's specialization: one knows how to read, the other - how to write." / A hand promptly grabs him by the shoulder — a policeman is standing right behind him! "Your papers!" he barks. The hapless person surrenders his papers. The policeman opens them, reads, and nods to his partner: "Write him up a citation, Vasya."

A policeman stops a car and asks the driver to breathe into an alcohol detection device. The driver breathes, the device shows no alcohol. So comes the next car and the next driver, the detector still shows 0% alcohol, and so it goes on… After having examined about a half a dozen drivers, the policeman says to himself, — "Is this bloody detector broken?". He shortly breathes into the device, looks at the BAL, and confirms — "Nah, it still works!".

A policeman stops a drunk driver and tells him to get out of the car. He then proceeds to draw a line in chalk. The moment he finishes, the drunk says "OK officer", proceeds to get down on all fours and starts snorting the line of chalk.

Army NCOs

Probably any nation big enough to have an army has a good deal of its own barracks jokes. Other than for plays on words, these jokes are usually international. In the Soviet Union, however, military service was universal (for males), so most people could relate to them. In these jokes a warrant officer (praporschik) is an archetypal bully of limited wit.

There is an enormous number of one-liners, supposedly quoting a praporschik:

Private Ivanov, dig a trench from me to the next scarecrow!"
Private Ivanov, dig a trench from the fence until lunch!"

The punchline "from the fence until lunch" has become a well-known Russian cliché for an unpleasant assignment with no defined purpose.

Some of them are philosophical, and apply not only to warrant officers.

Scene One: A tree. An apple. An ape comes and starts to shake the tree. A voice from above: "Think, think!" The ape thinks, grabs a stick, and hits the apple off. / Scene Two: A tree. An apple. A praporschik comes and starts to shake the tree. A voice from above: "Think, think!" / "No time to think, gotta shake!".
Warrant officer to privates: "Write down: the temperature of boiling water is 90°." One of the privates replies, "Comrade praporschik, you're mistaken - it's 100°!" The officer checks in the book, and then replies, "Right, 100°. It is the right angle that boils at 90°."

Commander and intellectual trooper:

A commander announces: - The platoon has been assigned to unload luminum - Aluminum, not luminum, corrects a trooper. - The platoon is going to unload luminum, repeats commander, - and the intelligentsia here is going to unload castum ironum!

Until shortly before perestroika, all fit male students of higher education had obligatory military courses from which they graduate as junior officers in the military reserve. A good deal of military jokes originated there.

"Soviet nuclear bombs are 20% more efficient than the Atomic Bombs of the probable adversary. American bombs have 4 zones of effect: A, B, C, D, while ours have five: А, Б, В, Г, Д!" (the first five letters of the Russian alphabet).
"A nuclear bomb falls exactly on the epicenter."
"Suppose we have a unit of M tanks... no, M is not enough. Suppose we have a unit of N tanks!"
"The attack is signaled with three green sirens into the zenith." ("a green whistle" - "зеленый свисток" is a common nick for a green-flame SHT signal rocket that whistles at the start)

Sometimes, these silly statements can cross-over, intentionally or unintentionally, into the realm of actual wit:

"Student, justify why you have come to class wearing pants of our most probable military opponent!" (here the teacher means jeans made in USA) The right answer, as mentioned sometimes, is: "Because they are a probable war trophy."

There is also an eternal dispute between servicemen and civilians:

Civilian: "You servicemen are dumb. We civilians are smart!" / Serviceman: "If you are so smart, then why can’t you march in files?"

Ethnic stereotypes

Russia (and especially the former Soviet Union) has been multiethnic for many centuries, and throughout their history several ethnic stereotypes have developed, often shared with those produced by other ethnicities (with the understandable exception of the ethnicity in question, but not always).

What do you call one Russian? --A drunk. What do you call two Russians? --A fight. What do you call three Russians? --The junior sub-commitee of the 3rd Party Secretariat of the 8th District ...
What do you call one Jew? --A financial center. What do you call two Jews? --The World Chess Championship. What do you call three Jews? --Native Russian Folk Instrument Ensemble.
What do you call one Ukrainian? --A partisan. What do you call two Ukrainians? --A partisan cell. What do you call three Ukrainians? --A partisan cell with a traitor in their midst.

Chukchi

Chukchi, the native people of Chukotka, the most remote northeast corner of Siberia, are the most common minority targeted for generic ethnic jokes in Russia -- many other nations have a particular one they make fun of (cf. Poles in American humor, Newfie jokes about Newfoundlanders in Canada, Belgians in French and Dutch humor). In jokes, they are depicted as generally primitive and simple-minded, but clever in a naive kind of way. A propensity for constantly saying "odnako" - "however" - is a staple of Chukcha jokes.

"Chukcha, why did you buy a fridge if it's so cold in tundra?" / "Why, is minus fifty Celsius outside, is minus ten inside, is minus five in the fridge - a warm place!"

A Chukcha comes into a shop and asks: "Do you have color TV's?" "Yes, we do." "Give me a green one."

Chukchi do not miss their chance to retaliate.

A Chukcha and a Russian geologist go hunting polar bears. They track one down at last. Seeing the bear, the Chukcha shouts "Run!" and starts running away. The Russian shrugs, raises his gun and shoots the bear. "Russian hunter bad hunter, however", — says the Chukcha, — "Now you haul this bear ten miles to the yaranga yourself!"

Chukchi in jokes, due to their innocence, often see the inner truth of situations.

A Chukcha returns home from Moscow to great excitement and interest. "What is socialism like?" asks someone. "Oh," begins the Chukcha in awe, "There, everything is for the betterment of Man. I even saw that Man himself!"
"What did the October Revolution give to the Chukcha people?" "Before it Chukcha had two senses: sense of cold and sense of hunger. Nowadays Chukcha has three senses: sense of cold, sense of hunger, and sense of deep moral satisfaction!" (The latter was a ubiquitous cliché: "All Soviet people, with the sense of deep moral satisfaction, celebrate the...")

Ukrainians

Ukrainians are depicted as rustic, greedy and fond of salted salo (non-rendered pork fat), and their accent, which is imitated in jokes, is perceived as funny.

A Ukrainian and an African are sitting in a train compartment. The African takes out a banana. The Ukrainian wonders what that is, and the African shares his banana with him. The Ukrainian then takes out some salo. The African wonders what that is and asks if he may try it. The Ukrainian replies "Salo's salo, what's there to try?"

In addition, Ukrainians are perceived to bear a grudge against Russians (derided as Moskali by Ukrainians)

The Soviet Union has launched the first man into space. A Ukrainian shepherd, standing on top of a hill, shouts over to another Ukrainian on another hill to tell the news. "Mykola!" / "Yes!" / "Moskali have flown to the Moon!" / "All of them?" / "No, just one." / "So why are you bothering me?"

Georgians

Georgians are depicted as masculine and hot-blooded. Recently, they are often depicted homosexual. A very loud and theatrical Georgian accent, including the grammatical errors typical of Georgians, and occasional Georgian words is considered funny to imitate in Russian and often becomes a joke in itself. For instance, the joke below uses genatsvale, the Georgian equivalent of American English buddy, and "M"-reduplication, akin to Shm-reduplication in Yiddish and English. (In fact, "M"-reduplication is only typical for Azeri and Central Asians: "cultura-multura", but joke tellers don't care much about such details.)

In Soviet times, Georgians were also perceived as running a black market business. It should however be noted that at that time Russians often applied the word "Georgians" (gruziny) to all people from the Caucasus, regardless of their actual nationality. There is a funny expression, that usually in police reports they are termed as "persons of Caucasian nationality" (Template:Lang-ru). In Russia itself, most people saw "persons of Caucasian nationality" mostly at marketplaces selling fruits and flowers. Many of jokes about Georgians are being recently retold in terms of "New Russians".

A plane takes off from the Tbilisi airport in Georgia. A passenger storms the pilot's cabin, waving an AK-47 gun and demanding that the flight be diverted to Israel. The pilot shrugs OK, but suddenly the hijacker's head falls off his shoulders, and a Georgian pops from behind with his blood-drenched dagger, and a huge suitcase: "Lisssn here genatsvale: no any Israel-Misrael; fly Moscow nonstop — my roses are fading!"

In the zoo, two lasses are discussing a gorilla with a huge penis: "THAT's what a real man must have!" A passer-by Georgian sarcastically remarks: "You are badly mistaken. THIS is what a real man must have!", and produces a thick wallet.

Armenians

Armenians are often used interchangeably with Georgians, sharing some of the stereotypes. However their unique context is the fictitious Armenian Radio, usually telling political jokes (see below).

Estonians

Estonians, allegedly rustic and mean, are depicted as having no sense of humour and being stubborn, taciturn and drugged. The Estonian accent, especially its sing-song tune and the lack of genders in grammar, forms part of the humour. Their common usage of geminates both in speech and orthography (e.g. Tallinn, Saaremaa) also led to the stereotype of being slow in speech, thinking and action.

An Estonian stands by a railway track. Another Estonian passes by on a handcar, pushing the pump up and down. The first one asks: "Iis iit faaar tooo Tallinn?" — "Noot faaar." He gets on the car and joins pushing the pump up and down. After two hours of silent pumping the first Estonian asks again: "Iis iit faaar tooo Tallinn?" — "Nooow iiit's faaaar."
A promotion from Estonian mobile phone providers: the first two hours of a call are free.
"I've told some Estonian blokes that they're slow." / "What did they reply?" / "Nothing, but they beat me the following day. "

Jews

Jewish humour is a highly developed subset of Russian humor, largely based on the Jews' self-image. These Jewish anecdotes are not the same as anti-Semitic jokes. Instead, whether told by Jews or non-Jewish Russians, these jokes show cynicism, self-irony and wit that is characteristic of Jewish humour both in Russia and elsewhere in the world (see Jewish humor). The jokes are usually told with a characteristic Jewish accent (stretching out syllables, mispronouncing the rolled "r", etc.).

Avram cannot sleep, tossing and turning from side to side... Finally his wife Sarah protests: "Avram, what's bothering you?" / "I owe Moishe 20 roubles, but I have no money. What shall I do?" / Sarah bangs on the wall and shouts to the neighbors: "Moishe! My Avram still owes you 20 roubles? Well he isn't giving them back!" Turning to her husband she says: "Now go to sleep and let Moishe stay awake!"
Avram lies dying. "Sarah, are you here?" he asks. "Yes, I'm here." "Is Moishe here?" "Yes, he's here." "Is Rebecca here?" "She's here too." "Are the cousins here?" "Of course." "And all the grandchildren too?" "Here they are." "Then who's minding the store?"
"Why do you Jews always answer with a question?" / "Why do you want to know this?"
An Odessa Jew meets another one. "Have you heard, Einstein is going to America!" / "Oh, what for?" / "He developed this Relativity theory." / "Yeah, what's that?" / "Well, you know, five hairs on your head is relatively few. Two hairs in your soup is relatively many." / "What, he goes to America for that?!"

See also the "Rabinovich" section with uniquely Soviet Jewish jokes.

Chinese

Russian stereotypes about Chinese people are probably the same as elsewhere in Western world. Common jokes center on the enormous numbers of Chinese people, the Chinese language, and the perceptions of the Chinese are cunning, industrious, and hard-working. Other popular jokes revolve around the belief that the chinese are capable of amazing feats by primitive means, such as the Great Leap Forward.

"During the Damansky Island incident the Chinese military developed three main strategies: The Great Offensive, The Small Retreat, and Infiltration by Small Groups of One to Two Million Across the Border."
"When a child is born in a Chinese family, there is an ancient tradition: a silver spoon is dropped on the jade floor. The sound the spoon makes will be the name of the newborn." (see Chinese names)
The first report of the first taikonaut: "Devices OK, boiler-men on duty!"

A good deal of jokes are puns based on a widespread Chinese syllable sounds exactly as the obscene Russian word for penis (хуй). For this reason since about 1956 the Russian-Chinese dictionaries render the Russian transcription of this syllable as "хуэй" (huey), the most embarrassing case probably being the word "socialism" (社会主义; pinyin: shè huì zhǔ yì), rendered previously as шэ-хуй-чжу-и.

Russians

Russians are a stereotype in Russian jokes themselves when set next to other stereotyped ethnicities. Thus, the Russian appearing in a triple joke with two other Westerners, like a German, French, American or Englishman, will provide for a self-ironic punchline depicting him as simple-minded and negligently careless but physically robust, which often ensures he retains the upper hand over his naive Western counterparts.

A French, a German, and a Russian go on a safari and are trapped by cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who says, "We are going to eat you right now. But I am a civilized man, I studied human rights at the Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow, so I'll grant each of you the last wish." The German asks for a mug of beer and a bratwurst. He gets it, and cannibals eat him. The French asks for three girls. He has crazy sex with them, and then follows the German. The Russian asks: "Hit me hard, right on my nose." The chief is surprised, but hits him. The Russian pulls out a Kalashnikov and shoots all the cannibals. The mortally wounded chief asks him: "Why hadn't you done this before we ate the German?", the Russian proudly replies: "Russians are not aggressors!" (Side note: This joke has also been used as a Jewish joke; more specifically, as an Israeli joke, as Israel is constantly feared of being seen as the 'aggressor')

Also when set against own minorities, Russians make fun of chukchas.

A Chukcha sits on the shore of the Bering Strait. An American submarine surfaces. The American captain opens the hatch and asks: "Which way is Alaska?" The Chukcha points his finger: "That way!" "Thanks!" says the American, shouts "North-North-West, bearing 149.5 degrees!" down the hatch and the submarine submerges. Ten minutes later a Soviet submarine emerges. The Russian captain opens the hatch and asks the Chukcha: "Where did the American submarine go?" The Chukcha replies: "North-North-West bearing 149.5 degrees!" "Quit playing smart on me," says the Russian. "Just point with your finger!"

The military lost an RT-21 misile somewhere over north siberia. They set out an expidition to retrieve it. After seven days of hiking in the wilderness with no success, they meet a chukcha. "Chuckcha, chuckcha", they ask, "have you seen a stick flying through the sky, burning at one end?". "No",chuckcha replies, "but I've seen an RT-21 misile."

Political jokes

Every nation is fond of this category, but in the Soviet Union telling political jokes was in a sense an extreme sport (like mountaineering): according to Article 58 (RSFSR Penal Code) "anti-Soviet propaganda" was a potentially capital offense.

A judge walks out of his chambers, laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him, and asks him why he is laughing. "Oh, you should hear the joke for which I just gave that guy ten years."

Early Soviet times

Jokes from these times are of historical value, portraying the character of the epoch as perfectly as long novels.

Midnight Petrograd... A night watch spots a shadow trying to sneak by. "Stop! Who's coming? Documents!" The frightened person chaotically shuffles through his pockets and drops a paper. A soldier picks it up and reads slowly, with difficulty: "U.ri.ne A.na.ly.sis"... "Hmm... a foreigner, sounds like..." "A spy, looks like.... Let's shoot him on the spot!" Then reads further: "Proteins: none, Sugars: none, Fats: none..." "You are free to go, proletarian comrade! Long live the World revolution!"

Communism

According to Marxist-Leninist theory, communism in the strict sense is the final stage of a society's evolution after passing through the socialism stage. The Soviet Union thus cast itself as a socialist country trying to build communism, the utopian classless society.

Brezhnev is reading a speech: "Comrades, communism is on the horizon..." Suddenly, a question from the audience: "Comrade Brezhnev, what is a horizon?" Brezhnev: "Horizon is a line that moves away as you approach it".

"Is it true that when communism comes we will be able to order our food via the telephone?" / "Yes, and we will enjoy it via the television."

The principle of Communist economy: the authorities pretend they are paying wages, workers pretend they are working.

After waiting five hours in a line to buy meat, in the dead of winter, Igor begins to snap. He starts jumping up and down, yelling, "I can't stand it anymore! This developed Socialism sucks! The system is totally corrupt!" After a couple of minutes, a grim-looking type in a black trenchcoat approaches Igor, shakes his head slowly, points his finger to Igor's temple mimicking a pistol, then walks off without saying a word. Igor comes home especially dejected. His wife asks, "What's the matter? Are they out of meat again?" "Worse," Igor says. "They're out of ammo."

Satirical verses and parodies made fun of official Soviet propaganda slogans.

(L) "Lenin is dead, but his cause lives on!"

Punch line variant #1: Rabinovich notes: "I would prefer it the other way round."

Variant #2: What a coincidence: "Brezhnev is dead, but his body lives on."

(extra comedic effect in the latter case is achieved by the fact that the words cause (delo) and body (telo) rhyme in Russian.

Lenin coined a slogan on how to achieve the state of communism through rule by the Communist Party and modernization of the Russian industry and agriculture: "Communism is Soviet power plus electrification of the whole country!" The slogan was subject to popular mathematical scrutiny: "Consequently, Soviet power is communism minus electrification, and electrification is communism minus Soviet power."

A chastushka ridiculing the tendency to praise the Party left and right:

The winter's passed,

The summer's here.

For this we thank

Our party dear!

Russian:

Прошла зима,

настало лето.

Спасибо партии

за это!

(Proshla zima, nastalo leto / Spasibo partii za eto!)

Some jokes allude at notions long forgotten. Survived, they are still funny, but may look strange.

Q: Will there be KGB in communism?

A: As you know, in communism, the state will be abolished, together with its means of suppression. People will know how to self-arrest themselves.

The original version was about Cheka. To fully appreciate this joke, a person must know that during the Cheka times, in addition to standard taxation of peasants, they were often forced to perform "samooblozhenie" ("self-taxation") -- after delivering a regular amount of agricultural products, prosperous peasants, especially those declared to be kulaks were expected to "voluntarily" deliver the same amount again; sometimes even "double samooblozhenie" was applied.

Gulag

Abramovich was sentenced to 5 years, served 10, then fortunately was released ahead of time.

Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it true that conditions in our labor camps are excellent?" Armenian Radio answers: "It is true. Five years ago a listener of ours raised the same question and was sent to one to investigate the issue. He hasn't returned yet; we are told he liked it there so much."

Armenian Radio

Main article Radio Yerevan

The Armenian Radio or "Radio Yerevan" jokes are of format "ask us whatever you want, we will answer you whatever we want". They give snappy or double-minded answers to questions on politics, commodities, economy or other no-no subjects of the Communist era. Questions and answers from this fictitious Radio are known even outside Russia.

Q: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is in the USA?

A: In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. Just the same, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.

Q: Have you heard that Academician Ambartsumian has just won a Volga car in state lottery?

A: Of course I have. Only he's no academician. He's a night watchman. And his name is not Ambartsumian. It's Rabinovich. And it was not a car. It was a hundred rubles. And he played preferans, not the state lottery. And he didn't win. But concerning everything else: yes, you're right.

Political figures

Politicians form no stereotype as such in Russian culture. Instead, historical and contemporary Russian leaders are portrayed with emphasis on their own unique characteristics. At the same time, quite a few jokes about them are remakes of jokes about earlier generations of leaders.

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are all travelling together in a railway carriage. Unexpectedly the train stops. Lenin suggests: "Perhaps, we should call a subbotnik, so that workers and peasants fix the problem." Stalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, "If the driver does not start moving, the driver will be executed!" But the train doesn't start moving. Khrushchev then shouts, "Let's take the rails behind the train and use them to construct the tracks in the front" But it still doesn't move. Brezhnev then says, "Comrades, Comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and pretend we're moving!"

Lenin

The jokes about Lenin, leader of the Russian revolution of 1917, typically made fun of the features of his character popularized by propaganda: kindness, love of children (Lenin never had children of his own), sharing nature, kind eyes, etc. Accordingly, in the jokes Lenin is often sneaky and hypocritical. A popular joke set-up is Lenin interacting with the head of the secret police, Dzerzhinsky in the Smolny Institute, seat of the revolutionary communist government in Petrograd.

During the famine of the civil war, a delegation of starving peasants comes to the Smolny and wishes to file a petition. "We have even started eating the grass like horses," says one peasant. "Soon we will start neighing like horses!" "Come on! Don't worry!" says Lenin reassuringly. "We are drinking tea with honey here, and we are not buzzing like bees, are we?"

(Concerning the amount of Lenin propaganda) A schoolteacher is leading her students through a park, and they see a hedgehog. These are city kids, and have never seen a hedgehog. "Do you know who this is?" Asks the teacher. No one knows. "Come on kids", Says the teacher trying to lead the children to the answer, "He's a character in many stories, songs and poems we always read." One student "figures it out," pats the hedgehog and says, "Oh, I knew it was you, grandpa Lenin."

Stalin

Jokes about Stalin are of morose, dark humour, Stalin's words told with a heavy Georgian accent.

"Comrade Stalin! This man is your exact double!" / "Shoot him!" / "Maybe we should shave off his moustache?" / "Good idea! Shave it off and then shoot him!". (In another version, Stalin replies shortly Ili tak [lit. or so], meaning "this way is ok too", which has become somewhat proverbial).

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.) Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"

Khrushchev

Jokes about Khrushchev are often related to his attempts to reform the economy, especially to introduce maize (corn). He was even called kukuruznik (maizeman). Other jokes address crop failures due to mismanagement of the agriculture, his innovations in urban architecture, his confrontation with the US while importing US consumer goods, his promises to build communism within 20 years, or just his baldness, rude manners, and womanizing ambitions. Unlike other Soviet leaders, in jokes he is always harmless.

Why was Khrushchev deseated? Because of the Seven "C"s: Cult of personality, Communism, China, Cuban Crisis, Corn, and Cuzka's mother (In Russian this is the seven "K"s. To "show somebody Kuzka's mother" is a Russian idiom meaning "to punish". Khrushchev had used this phrase during a speech at the United Nations General Assembly referring to the Tsar Bomba test over Novaya Zemlya).

Q: What did Khrushchev fail to achieve?

A: Building a bridge along the Moscow River, combining a bathtub with a flush toilet, and splitting the Ministry of Transportation into the Ministry of Arrivals and the Ministry of Departures. (The bathtub-toilet combination pokes at the combined bathroom-and-restrooms in Khrushchev's mass-built cheap apartment blocks. Russians traditionally prefer the two to be separate.)

Q: Who is the greatest magician in the Soviet Union?

A: Khrushchev: He sows in Kazakhstan and harvests in Saskatchewan." (A reference to the Soviet Union's need to import grain from North America.)

Brezhnev

Brezhnev was depicted as a dim-witted, suffering from dementia, with delusion of grandeur.

Brezhnev is meeting Indira Gandhi at the airport. To everybody's amazement, he addresses her as "Mrs. Thatcher". His secretary whispers: "This is Indira Gandhi". Brezhnev replies: "I can see it's Indira Gandhi. But in my speech it is written Margaret Thatcher."
At the 1980 Olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech. "O!" -- applause. "O!" -- more applause. "O!" -- yet more applause. "O!" -- an ovation. "O!!!" -- the whole audience stands up and applauds. An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, "Leonid Ilyich, that's the Olympic rings, you don't need to read it!"
(L) "Leonid Ilyich!..." / "Come on, no formalities among comrades. Just call me 'Ilyich' ". (Note: "Ilyich" by itself by default refers to Lenin.)
"Leonid Ilyich is in surgery." / "Heart again?" / "No, chest expansion surgery: to fit one more Gold Star medal."
To sum up the Russians' experience with political leaders thus far: Lenin showed how you can rule a country; Stalin showed how you shouldn't rule a country; Khrushchev showed that any moron can rule a country; Brezhnev showed that not just any moron can rule a country.
(Brezhnev wrote a book called The Virgin Lands, which many people suspected of having been written by others for him.) Brezhnev is sitting in his office. Podgorny enters the room. "Have you read The Virgin Lands?" Brezhnev asks.
"Yes, sir. It was very good," answers Podgorny.

A few minutes later, Kosygin enters the office. "Eh, Alexey, have you read The Virgin Lands too?" asks Brezhnev.

"Oh yes, my dear Comrade General Secretary, in fact it was so good, I am in a rush to get home to re-read it."

"Well," thinks Brezhnev, "if they all liked it so much, maybe I should give reading it a try."

Geriatric intermezzo

Party Chairman Leonid Brezhnev died in 1982. His successor, Yuri Andropov, died in 1984. His successor in turn, Konstantin Chernenko, died in 1985. Russians took great interest in watching the new sport at the Kremlin: coffin carriage racing. Rabinovich (see above) said he did not have to buy tickets to the funerals as he had a subscription to these events. As Andropov's bad health became common knowledge (he was attached to a machine by the end), several jokes made the rounds:

"Comrade Andropov is the most turned on man in Moscow!"

"Comrade Andropov is sure to light up any discussion!"

"Why did Brezhnev go abroad, and Andropov did not? Because Brezhnev ran on batteries, but Andropov needed an outlet." (Reference to Brezhnev's pacemaker and Andropov's dialysis machine).

"What is the main difference of succession under tsarist regime and under socialism?" "Under tsarist regime the power transferred from father to a son, and under socializm - from one grandfather to another." (A wordplay: 'grandfather' in Russian is traditionally used in a sense of 'old man')

Gorbachev

Mikhail Gorbachev was occasionally made fun of for his poor grammar, but perestroika-era jokes usually addressed his slogans and ineffective actions, his birth mark, Raisa Gorbachev's poking her nose everywhere, as well as Soviet-American relations.

In a restaurant:

-Why the meatballs are of cubic shape?

-Perestroika! (restructuring)

-Why are they undercooked?

-Uskoreniye! (acceleration)

-Why are they bitten?

-Gospriyomka (state approval)

-Why are you telling me all this so brazenly?

-Glasnost! (openness)

What is glasnost?

Truth, the whole truth, and... nothing else but truth. (A pun: "Правда" (Pravda, "Truth") was the official Communist Party newspaper, hinting at total shortages in the country).

Post-Communist era

The Yeltsin era saw the revival of some old Brezhnev jokes, but again the focus was put on actual policies.

When Yeltsin resigned from the Communist Party at the 28th Party Congress, people used to say that "Yeltsin is out of mind,... honour, and conscience of our epoch". (A hint at a widespread propaganda slogan: "Party is Mind, Honour and Conscience of our Epoch")

Political jokes under Vladimir Putin mostly play on his KGB background and usually tied to some particular issue.

(L) –Have you heard, Putin ordered the government to stop the inflation. / –Well, not exactly, he ordered to have it held back...and jailed.

The comical effect is achieved by the fact that Russian zadierzhat' means both to hold back and to detain.

KGB

Telling jokes about KGB was like pulling the tail of a tiger.

A hotel. A room for four; four strangers. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka, get acquainted, drunk, and noisy, singing and telling political jokes against KGB. The fourth one tries to get some sleep, finally, frustrated, he leaves the room and asks a maid to bring tea to Room 67 in 10 minutes. Then he comes back in, and 5 minutes later says loudly into an electrical outlet: "Comrade Major, tea to Room 67, please." In 5 minutes, a knock at the door, tea comes, the room falls dead silent. The next morning this guy wakes up, alone in the room. Surprised, he asks the maid where the neighbors are. "People from KGB have arrested them", she answers. "But you were lucky, because Comrade Major liked your joke with the tea."
An international team of scientists is excavating an Egyptian pyramid. They find an unmarked mummy. The German scientists get it first, study it for a month, finally release a study proving it's from the Middle Kingdom. The US team goes in, does their thing for a week, then announce the mummy is from the 19th dynasty. Then the Russian scientists go in, come out a day later, and announce it's Amenhotep the III, 19th Dynasty, 53 years of age, ruler of Egypt for 37 years. Everyone is stunned: "How did you figure that?" The Russians smile: "Oh, he confessed."

Everyday Soviet life

Q: What is more useful — our newspapers or our television? A: Newspapers, of course; you can use them to wrap herring.
A man walks into a store: "You don't have any meat, do you?" / "No, we don't have any fish. The store next door is the one that doesn't have any meat."

A man is showing his friends around his new apartment. One of them asks, "How come you don't have any clocks?" The man responds, "But I do have one. I have a talking clock." / "But where?" / He takes a hammer and strikes a wall. From the other side of the wall, somebody yells, "It's 2AM, you bastard!"

Some jokes ridiculed the level of political indoctrination in the educational system of the Soviet Union:

"My wife has been going to cooking school for three years." / "She must really cook well by now!" / "No, they've only reached the part about the Great October Socialist Revolution so far."

Others poked fun at the time it could take for consumer goods in the Soviet Union to be delivered:

"Dad, can I have the car keys?" / "Ok, but don't lose them. We will get the car in just seven years!"

Q: What is a tundra toilet? A: Two poles. One to hold on and another to beat the wolves off.

Puns

Like everywhere else, a good deal of jokes in Russia are based on puns. Of course, 95% of humour is lost in translation, but...

(L) The genitive plural of a noun (used with a numeral to indicate five or more of something, as opposed to the dual, used for two, three, or four, see Russian nouns) is a rather unpredictable form of the Russian noun, and there are a handful of words which native speakers have trouble producing this form of (either due to rarity or an actual lexical gap). A common example of this is kocherga (fireplace poker). The joke is set in a Soviet factory. Five pokers are to be requisitioned. The correct forms are acquired, but as they are being filled out, a debate arises: what is the genitive plural of kocherga? Kocherg? Kocherieg? Kochergov?... One thing is clear: a form with the wrong genitive plural of kocherga will bring disaster from the typically-pedantic bureaucrats. Finally, an old janitor overhears the commotion, and tells them to send in two separate requisitions: one for two kochergi and another for three kochergi. (In reality, a bureaucrat would likely resort to a trick like "Kocherga: 5 items"; a similar story by Mikhail Zoshchenko involves yet another answer.)

Eggs

A Russian slang for 'testicle' is 'egg' It is not exactly slang, but rather a taboo word: "testicle" (yaichko) and "egg" (yaitso) have the same root, the former being a diminutive form of the latter, even the educated people use the same word for 'testicle' and 'egg'. A surprisingly large variety of jokes capitalize on this, ranging from elegant to extremely silly.

St. Petersburg. Hermitage Museum. An exhibit of a masterpiece by Peter Carl Fabergé. The caption reads: "Fabergé. Self-portrait. (Fragment)"
A train compartment. A family: a small daughter, her mother and grandma. The fourth passenger is a Georgian. Mother starts feeding a soft-boiled egg to the daughter with a silver spoon. Grandma: "Don't you know that eggs can spoil silver?" — "Who would have known!", thinks the Georgian and replaces his silver cigarette case from the front pants pocket to the back one.
See 'Chastushka' article for a yet another example.

Religion

A notable distinction of the Soviet humor is virtual lack of jokes on religious topics. Clearly, this is not because Russians are so pious. Those few are told in supposedly Church Slavonic language: archaic words are used and unstressed "o" is clearly pronounced as "o" (in modern Russian "Muscovite" speech it is reduced to "a") and rare names of distinctively Greek origin are used. Priests are supposed to speak in basso profondo.

(L) At the lesson of the Holy Word: "Disciple Dormidontiy, pray tell me, is the soul separable from the body or not." / "Separable, Father." / "Verily speakest thou. Substantiate thy reckoning." / "Yesterday morning, Father, I was passing by your cell and overheard your voice voicing: (imitates bass) '...And now, my soul, arise and get thee dressed.' " / "Substantiatest... But in vulgar!" (The Russian phrase that translates literally as "my soul" is a term of endearment, often toward romantic partners, comparable to English "my darling")
A lass in a miniskirt jumps onto a bus, the bus starts abruptly, and she falls onto the lap of a priest. She jumps up, surprised, looks down and says, "Whoa!" / "It's not a 'whoa', my daughter, but rather the key to the Cathedral of Christ the Saviour!"

Absurdity

A class of jokes relies on the uncategorizable absurdity of human life:

Anguish: A house in the middle of a desolate steppe. A man walks out, yells at the top of his voice, "Damn you-u-u-u!". Waits for the echo: "you-u-u...". Satisfied, he goes back in.

A man is driving along the highway. His rear axle falls off. "No problem," he thinks, "If I concentrate hard enough, there'll be someone with a rear axle for me after the next curve." Drives around the curve. No one. "Obviously I didn't concentrate hard enough. The next curve is it!". Drives around the next curve. A guy is standing there. The driver stops. "Well?" / "Leave me alone, will you? I don't have your rear axle!!"

Black humour

Chernobyl humour

An old woman stands in the market with a "Chernobyl mushrooms for sale" sign. A man goes up to her and asks, "Hey, what are you doing? Who's going to buy Chernobyl mushrooms?" And she tells him, "Why, lots of people. Some for their boss, others for their mother-in-law..."

A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?" "Yes, there was." - answered the Grandpa and stroked grandson's head. "Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?" "Yes, absolutely" - answered the Grandpa and stroked the grandson's second head.

University students

The life of most Russian university students is often associated with many people coming from small towns and living in dormitories. State universities (the only type of universities in existence in Soviet times) are notable for carelessness about the students' comfort and the quality of food. Most jokes make fun of these "interesting" conditions, inventive evasion by students of their academic duties or lecture attendance, and sometimes even about alcoholic tendencies of engineering students.

Also, there are a number of funny student obsessions such as zachetka (a transcript of grades, carried by every student), halyava (a chance of getting good or acceptable grades without any effort) and getting a scholarship for good grades. Also, it should be noted that the standard exam format is usually a dialogue between the professor and the student, based on a set of questions written on a bilet (a small sheet of paper, literally: ticket), which the student draws at random in the exam room, and is given some time to prepare answers for.

A memo in a student dining hall: Students, do not drop your food on the floor, two cats have already died [from eating it].
A crocodile's stomach can stomach concrete. A student's stomach can stomach that of a crocodile.
In a lecture there are 3 students in the class. Suddenly, 5 students stand up and leave. The professor thinks to himself, "If another 2 people come in, then there will be nobody listening."

Abstract jokes

"Abstract joke" (or "abstract humor") is a Russian term for a non-joke.

A brick lays under the sun, warms itself. A gaggle of geese flies by. "Hello, brick! Let's fly South!" The brick thought for a while and started smoking a pipe.
A cow went a-fishing and sees an elephant swimming by. "Hello, cow! Is it far to a bridge?" / "Which one do you want: across or along the river?" / "It doesn't matter to me, I am wearing silk stockings!"

Cowboy jokes

Cowboy jokes is a popular series about a Wild West full of trigger-happy simple-minded cowboys, and of course the perception that in Texas everything is big. It is usually difficult to guess whether these are imported or genuinely Russian inventions.

In a saloon.

- The guy over there really pisses me off!

- There are four of them; which one?

(Three shots ring out.)

- The one still standing!

Inner voice

The "inner voice" series, often set within the framework of cowboys, has a typical template: the inner voice gives a series of smart advices which eventually lead to big trouble.

A cowboy is riding across a prairie. His inner voice tells him, "Get off the horse and dig a hole!" The cowboy does this and finds a box of silver. "Dig deeper!" The cowboy digs and finds a box of gold. "Dig deeper," says the voice again. The cowboy keeps digging and finds a box of diamonds. "Now, I wonder how you'll get yourself out," says the inner voiсe.
A cowboy is riding alone across the Wild West. Suddenly he is attacked by a whole tribe of Indians. "God, I'm in trouble", thinks he, but then he hears his inner voice whispering: "Shoot the one with the fancy feathers, the chief". So does the cowboy: shoots at the chief, who falls from his horse. "Now you are indeed in trouble", says the inner voice.

Jokes about illness

Mental hospital

An inspector comes to a mental hospital and sees the patients diving into an empty pool head-first. "What are they doing?" he asks the nurse. "The chief psychiatrist promised to fill the pool with water when they learn to dive safely."

A patient tells the doctor that he cannot live with his roommate anymore. "Why not?" / "Because at night he starts pretending he is a lamp." / "And why does that bother you?" / "I cannot fall asleep when there's too much light."

An inspector comes to a mental hospital and sees no patients in any room. He asks the senior psychiatrist where everyone is, to which the doctor replies, "they are all having a good time on the roof". The inspector goes on to the roof and sees everyone looking towards the ground, shouting; "Thirty-one, thirty-one!" He asks one patient what it's all about, and the patient tells the inspector to come closer to the roof's end and see himself, which he does. Everyone grabs the inspector, throws him off the roof and starts shouting, "Thirty-two, thirty-two!"

The concept of "mental hospital" is also often used to poke fun at the political system.

A lecturer visits the mental hospital and gives a lecture about how great communism is. Everybody claps loudly except for one person who keeps quiet. The lecturer asks: "why aren't you clapping?" and the person replies "I'm not a psycho, I work here."

Dystrophy

A large number of jokes, arguably unparalleled among other nations, is about people with acute muscular dystrophy, informally called distrofik in Russia. The main topics are extreme weakness, slowness, leanness, and weightlessness of a distrofik.

Distrofiks are playing hide and seek in the hospital. "Vovka, where are you?" / "I'm here, behind this broomstick!" "Hey, didn't we have an arrangement not to hide behind the thick objects?"
A jolly doctor comes into a dystrophy ward:"Greetings, eagles!" (a Russian cliche in addressing to able-bodied men, eg., brave soldiers) In reply: "No, we are not. We are flying because the nurse turned the fan on!"

Retards

In a family of retards: the father sends his son shopping: "You go and buy two things: bread and milk. Did you get it, retard? Two things, TWO, not one! Bread! And milk!" The son comes back with a hockey stick. "What did I tell you, moron?! I told you to buy TWO things! Where is the puck, retard?!"

Taboo vocabulary

Obscene slang known as mat is the salt and pepper of the vast majority of Russian joke narration. Unfortunately this aspect is nearly impossible to render into English. However, there are two particular types of jokes that rely, as the primary source of humor, on the expected, casual usage of obscenity, common particularly in the speech of the lower social classes, where it is possible to explain the mechanism of the humor.

In one series, a typical plot goes as follows. A construction site expects an inspection from the higher-ups, and a foreman warns the workers to watch their tongues. Next day, during the tour for VIPs a worker drops a hammer from the fourth floor right on the head of his colleague... The punch line is an exceedingly polite, classy utterance in response from the mouth of the injured.

(L) Another series of jokes is based on the fact that, with sufficient context, the root of many Russian nouns, verbs, and adjectives, may be replaced with the root of the vulgar Russian word for "penis", with no loss of meaning of the sentence, since the listener can derive its meaning based on context and the affixes surrounding the root (a similar phenomenon, also a frequent target of humor, exists in English with the word fuck, but the rich morphology of the Russian language allows much more flexibility for the Russian version of the same). The goal of a joke in this series is to apply this type of substitution to as many words of a sentence as possible while keeping it meaningful. In an extreme example, the following dialog at a construction site between a foreman and a worker turns out to retain its meaning even with all of its 11 words altered this way.

- Why did you load on so much of this stuff? Unload it anywhere you want!

- No! There is no need to unload! It got loaded just fine!

Word-by-word:

- Na**ya (why) do**ya (so much) **yni (of stuff) na**yarili (you heaped)? Ras**yarivay (deheap) na**y! (out of here)

- Ni**ya! (No way) Ne**y (No need) ras**yarivat (to remove)! Na**yucheno ((It) was heaped) ne**yovo! (well)

After this example one may readily believe the following semi-apocrific story. An inspection was expected at a Soviet plant to award it the Quality Mark, so the administration prohibited the usage of mat. On the next day the productivity dropped abruptly. People's Control quickly figured out the reason: miscommunication. It turned out that workers knew all the tools and parts only by their mat-based names: '**yuska', '**yovina', '**yatina' '**yatinka', etc.; the same went for technological processes: 'ot**yachit', 'pri**yachit', '**ynut', 'za**yarit',...

The CIA installed a bug in a Russian nuclear rocket factory. After a month of listening-in they discovered that the rockets have two details: "**yovina" and "p**dyulina", joined with "po**ben'", and all of them are interchangeable.

Finally, there is the self-referential Boatswain Joke, which is one of a kind and is known to produce macho contests of who composes the most elaborate, flowering, multi-level obscene masterpiece for the boatswain to utter, but always ends with the same punchline. A loosely translated classical version is as follows:

Bootsmann stepped out the hatch on the deck, stumbled upon an anchor and flopped flat.

"You f*cking buggered f*cked-up shitty c*nt, rotting in motherf*cking dick-and-balls filthy hell of f*ckedness!" said the boatswain, and swore profusely.

External links

политический анекдот 1001 Soviet political anecdotes (in Russian) at Wikisource
anekdot.ru, the most popular Russian humor website (in Russian)
http://members.cox.net/marperak/jokes/