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Open marriage

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An open marriage, in its broadest usage, is any marriage wherein both parties agree to permit some forms of sexual relationships for one or both outside the marriage, without regarding this as sexual infidelity. Typically these forms may include "dating" types of behaviors without both partners automatically being present or sexually involved, or may require the presence of both parties during all sexual activities, precluding one on one "dates".

The term originated, or at least achieved popularity, with the 1972 publication of the book Open Marriage by Nena O'Neill and George O'Neill, which sold over 1.5 million copies. The bulk of the book was about non-controversial approaches to revitalizing marriage in areas of communication, trust, role flexibility, identity, and equality, but chapter 16 "Love Without Jealousy" devoted 20 pages to the proposition that an open marriage could include some forms of sexuality with other partners. It was the concepts of this chapter which have remained in the cultural consciousness a generation later, to the expressed regret of the authors. (By the 1977 publication of The Marriage Premise by Nena O'Neill, she was advocating sexual fidelity in the chapter of that name). By then however, the open marriage concept and term had gained a life of its own.

Today with many committed couples not seeking formal marriage, the term is frequently generalized to open relationship. The concept of being sexually open versus closed is also sometimes applied to triads or other groups larger than two.

Open relationships are sometimes considered a (very common) form of polyamory (involvement in loving relationships, of a sexual kind, with more than one person), and sometimes considered to be broader than polyamory by including sexual play outside the context of loving relationships. Certainly there is at least much potential overlap.

Some couples involved in swinging consider themselves to be practicing a form of open marriage (or open relationship), some do not. Some people who consider themselves to have open marriages would consider swingers to be included in that category, others would not. Swinging involves sex with one or more other people within a particular group context. While swingers may "swap" partners, they typically do not have dates and sex with others entirely separate from their partner. Open marriage, in contrast, often involves activities separate from the spouse. Again there is at minimum some potential for overlapping concepts and communities.

The core concept

While the arrangements for each open marriage are defined by the individuals involved, open marriages tend to have certain core elements:

  • Other relationships or sexual activities are supplements or enhancements to the marriage, not replacements for anything in the marriage.
  • There is honest and open communication between the primary couple about what is allowable and what is not and trust that both will abide by those rules.
  • There is consent from both parties to the type of open marriage chosen and the rules or restrictions that must be followed by both parties.

The nature of an open marriage, along with the rules that could apply to it (see below), often changes over time as each person and their relationships grow or change, or to adapt to new circumstances that arise.

Sometimes in this type of relationship only one spouse has "permission" to have sexual encounters with others, while the other partner is expected to remain monogamous (sexually exclusive). The monogamous spouse may be indifferent to their partner's experiences with others, or may derive sexual satisfaction from watching, hearing, or simply being aware of them. In other open relationships egalitarian rules for both partners are a crucial component.

In certain societies, such as Nepal[citation needed], this practice is somewhat socially acceptable. In the United States, as well as Western Europe, however, the practice, is much more controversial and generally socially not accepted.

Emotional issues

Like other relationships, including "normal" marriages, open relationships are subject to emotional stresses and inter-personal issues. Those who have attempted open marriages often say it either brings the couple closer together on many levels and strengthens the marriage and the trust, friendship, and respect for each other, or leads to jealousy and damages the marriage. Those both successful and unsuccessful, often refer to the challenges of 'NRE' ("New Relationship Energy") that can be confused with love for a third party and damage the marriage.

There is the potential of many emotional pitfalls for couples who experiment with open marriage, as well as many potential benefits for those who are successful. In cases where this type of experimentation is meant to "fix" a marriage, or either partner is emotionally or morally unable to, the potential for a negative outcome increases.

For those who claim success in open marriages, the reported benefits commonly include a deeper emotional connection with their partner, a more enduring trust, and/or a deeper sexual satisfaction for both partners.

Outsiders, or even some who practice egalitarian open relationships, may have difficulty understanding how a monogamous husband, for example, could benefit from letting his wife have sex with other men. Husbands involved report an "near primal" urge to engage in these activities, and often the more skilled the spouse's lover is, or the more intense the "New Relationship Energy" is, the more it heightens the husband's experience, even if this temporarily relegates him to a subservient or lower position than the wife's new lover.

The practice of extra-marital sex is often illegal in jurisdictions where adultery is illegal, regardless of whether the partner(s) have given their consent. Open marriage is not the same thing as polygamy, where sexual relationships are kept entirely within the parties to a formally-recognised marital arrangement.

Rules and agreements

Couples involved in open marriages or relationships typically adopt a set of "rules" or "agreements" to guide their activities. These rules are individualistic and often change over time. Such agreements, and more importantly the process of negotiating them, can help people to consider and anticipate what behavior to expect from their partners and what intentions they have for themselves. This is intended both to reduce the uncertainty that can breed jealousy, insecurity and resentment, and to focus the commitments that continue between the couple even while the convention of sexual monogamy is modified. These agreements attempt to allow partners to explore new territory without doing something disastrous to the primary relationship. Typically, if both parties can't agree on an issue to define how the open relationship will be managed, they "close" the relationship until such time as both parties can agree on a set of "rules" or "aggreements" that both can feel comfortable with. At all costs the primary relationship is to be preserved and protected, even at the loss of some individual freedoms one party might desire.

Some example elements which might be included in such relationship agreements are described below; a given agreement might include any or all of these elements (in the forms given or modified, or even reversed), or many others. There is no one correct set of agreements, as the needs of a each individual and each relationship vary considerably, and tend to evolve with time and experience.

  1. Our marriage and family always comes first and we will not harm the quality of our existing relationship.
  2. We will always inform each other prior to any outside activity, or, we will attempt to inform the other partner first if possible and as soon as possible afterwards if not.
  3. We will not proceed without explicit prior agreement from the other partner.
  4. The other partner can eventually meet all people that might be involved, should they want to.
  5. The other partner has a right of veto any relationship or activity at any time.
  6. We will only be involved with people who fully disclose the relationships and activities to their own spouses or committed partners.
  7. We will trust each other to be appropriately careful about sexual safety without details.
  8. We will not cancel plans that we have together to be with someone else.
  9. We will continue to meet each other's sexual needs as well.
  10. We are not allowed to omit specific details for full disclosure for safer sex decisions.
  11. We will not disclose these activities to other friends without mutual consent.
  12. We will not use this against each other in any fights or arguments later down the road.
  13. We may engage sexually with others alone or together.
  14. We will return home to sleep after each encounter.
  15. We will not compare anything that has gone on with the other person to anything that goes on between us. We can pick up pointers of new things to try with each other from the outside source but not in a harmful way.
  16. We will not form strong emotional attachements to the other partner(s) our existing partner forms their own friendship and connection as well.
  17. We will promptly disclose and discuss any breaches to these agreements in order to remain in integrity with each other and avoid building walls of shame and hiding.
  18. We will honestly discuss any concerns or feelings that arise and which affect our closeness or safety with each other.
  19. We will reconsider any of these agreements if experience shows that they are not serving our ultimate purposes

Notable people who had open marriages

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