Recurring jokes in Private Eye

The fortnightly British satirical magazine Private Eye has long had a reputation for using euphemistic and irreverent substitute names and titles for persons, groups and organisations and has coined a number of expressions to describe sex, drugs, alcohol and other aspects of human activity. Over the years these names and expressions have become in-jokes, used frequently in the magazine without explanation. Some have passed into general usage and can be found in other media and everyday conversation.

Euphemisms

• "Ugandan discussions", or a variation thereof (such as "discussing Ugandan affairs"), is often used as a euphemism for sex, usually while carrying out a supposedly official duty. The term originally referred to an incident at a party hosted by journalist Neal Ascherson and his first wife, at which fellow journalist Mary Kenny allegedly had a "meaningful confrontation" with a former cabinet minister in the government of Milton Obote, later claiming that they were "upstairs discussing Uganda". The poet James Fenton apparently coined the term. The saying is sometimes wrongly said to derive from a slanderous lie told by the late Ugandan dictator Idi Amin about his female foreign minister, when he claimed that he had fired her on 28 November 1974 for having sex with an unnamed white man in a toilet at a Paris airport, but his lie came over 18 months after the phrase was first used by Private Eye on 9 March 1973. The euphemism has variations: for example, before his marriage a senior member of the Royal family allegedly went on holiday with an aging ex-Page Three girl, whereupon Private Eye reported he had contracted a "Ugandan virus". In 1996, "Getting back to basics" was suggested as a replacement euphemism after the policy of the same name adopted by John Major's government, which some Private Eye contributors regarded as hypocritical. This view was vindicated by Conservative MP Edwina Currie's subsequent confirmation of a four-year affair with John Major in her book Diaries.
• "Playing an away match in Uganda" is euphemistic for an illicit sexual liaison especially pertaining to married persons.
• "Exotic cheroot" is used as a euphemism for a cigarette containing cannabis.
• "Tired and emotional" was a phrase used to describe 1960s Labour party cabinet minister and Deputy Leader George Brown, who was a drunkard. It first appeared in Private Eye in a parody memo supposedly informing civil servants how to describe Brown's conduct and state of mind. Due to the near-impossibility of proving intoxication without forensic evidence, journalists came to use the phrase as a way of describing drunkenness without inviting libel charges. In 1957 a trio of Labour politicians, Aneurin Bevan, Morgan Phillips and Richard Crossman, successfully sued The Spectator over just such an allegation, which Crossman admitted in his diary was true of one of the three. The phrase was allegedly first used by a BBC press officer in November 1963, as a description of Brown's condition when interviewed at very short notice on the night of the assassination of John F. Kennedy; the magazine subsequently borrowed the phrase. However, doubt must be cast on this claim because the programme on which Brown appeared was not broadcast by the BBC but by Associated-Rediffusion.
• ''Arkell v. Pressdram'' was one of the frequent allegations of libel against the magazine, notable for its correspondence. The plaintiff's lawyers wrote a letter which concluded: "His attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of your reply." The magazine's response was, in full: "We acknowledge your letter of 29th April referring to Mr J. Arkell. We note that Mr Arkell's attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of our reply and would therefore be grateful if you would inform us what his attitude to damages would be, were he to learn that the nature of our reply is as follows: fuck off." In the years following, the magazine would refer to this exchange as a euphemism for a blunt and coarse dismissal: for example, "We refer you to the reply given in the case of Arkell v. Pressdram".
• "Trebles all round!" is often quoted to have been said by one who has, purportedly, made money as the result of corrupt or venal activity.
• (Takes out onion) is a mock stage direction inserted in articles when someone is allegedly faking sorrow. Onions are well known for inducing tears when close to the eyes and were a useful prop for actors who were required to 'cry' in dramatic scenes, regardless of whether they would naturally be feeling sadness or despair. To this end, the phrase is therefore usually used to denote hypocrisy. It occurs as early as 1915, in cartoons by W. Heath Robinson.

Stereotypical and exaggerated personifications of people and organisations

• Sir Herbert Gussett is a fictional character who is forever sending "Dear Sir" letters to the Press, usually the Daily Telegraph or the Daily Express. He does not seem to know quite where he lives: in the early 1980s, for example, he lived in Lymeswold, but he has been found in Wiltshire, Dorset and Oxfordshire.

• Sir Bufton Tufton is the Tory MP for somewhere-or-other, and in the Thatcher government sat on the back benches. The name was inspired by that of a real-life Tory backbencher, Sir Tufton Beamish, who sat for Lewes 1945–1974, but the character was modelled on MPs who were well to the right of Sir Tufton. Sir Bufton's constituency was usually the fictitious safe rural seat of "Lymeswold", though this was subject to topical change; his greediness, laziness, bigotry and incompetence remained constant. A file photo was frequently used, which turned out to be a real-life Conservative councillor and which eventually drew a complaint letter from the innocent victim.
• Mike Giggler, an e-mail correspondent in newspaper letters pages, usually appearing at the bottom of the page having sent in a particularly unfunny pun.
• Lord Gnome is purported to be the proprietor of the magazine, and is an amalgam of various different media magnates. Originally modelled on figures including Lord Beaverbrook and Lord Thomson of Fleet, first appearing under the name "Aristides P. Gnome" in the early 1960s, Lord Gnome has since accumulated other characteristics to encompass the likes of Rupert Murdoch. He is portrayed in the magazine as a man of great wealth, greed, unscrupulousness and vulgarity. Lord Gnome rarely writes under his own name, but issues his proclamations, editorials and threats through a fictional underling named Emmanuel Strobes, with reference frequently made to his Lordship's "assistant", Miss Rita Chevrolet. Rita Chevrolet's name is a parody of French exotic dancer Rita Cadillac.

Lord Gnome, as well as being a media magnate, is regularly referred to as having other business interests. Special offers from "Gnomemart" frequently appear in the magazine, which also carries an occasional column called "The Curse of Gnome", chronicling the subsequent misfortunes of those who have in the past taken legal action against the publication. In 1993, during the only televised ceremony for Private Eye's Bore of the Year Awards ("the Boftys"), Lord Gnome (played by Peter Cook) made a brief appearance on a satellite hook-up from his yacht, pushing a member of the yacht's crew overboard in a parody of Robert Maxwell's death. The word "Gnome" may refer to the Gnomes of Zurich. Occasionally Lord Gnome is an oblique reference to editor Ian Hislop. In the sporting world, Lord Gnome CC is a nomadic cricket side, founded in 1963, that is named after the fictitious proprietor.

• Inspector Knacker is your trusty policeman, who also may be "Inspector Knacker of the Yard", that is to say, not very trusty. This is a reference to the knackers' yards where old horses are sent to be put down and disposed of, and to the well-known Jack "Slipper of the Yard" Slipper, in which "The Yard" refers to Scotland Yard. The phrase is used both to refer to individual policemen ("Another top Knacker resigns"); and for the police in general ("These allegations are being looked into by Inspector Knacker").

• Mr Justice Cocklecarrot usually presides over court cases. Beachcomber wrote a humorous column in the Daily Express for over fifty years, and Cocklecarrot J. was a regular feature.

• Sue, Grabbitt and Runne is a fictitious firm of solicitors retained to engage in lawsuits both real and fictional. These are often frivolous, pointless, cynical or without foundation (see Arkell v Pressdram – above) but not always. Danny La Rue, a well-known female impersonator, appeared on the front cover in a photograph taken at the Royal Variety Performance of him with Liberace, who was ballooned as saying "I think your English queens are wonderful". La Rue supposedly responded by threatening to "go to the family solicitors, Rue, Grabbit and Son" (he was aggrieved at the implication that he was homosexual). In more serious cases, Private Eye often cites "Carter-Fuck", a derogatory reference to Peter Carter-Ruck of the law firm Carter Ruck, which had a reputation for taking on defamation cases at great expense to clients and claiming particularly high damages, regardless of the gravity of the case.
• St Cake's School is an imaginary public school, run by Mr R.J. Kipling (BA, Leicester). The headmaster's name is part of the joke regarding the name "St Cake's", in reference to Mr Kipling cakes. Articles featuring the school parody the "Court and Social" columns of The Times and The Daily Telegraph, and the traditions and customs of the public school system. The school's motto is Quis paget entrat (Who pays gets in), though variations on this arise from time to time, such as when the school decided to admit only the daughters of very rich Asian businessmen, and the motto became All praise to the prophet, and death to the infidel. While the school's newsletters feature extraordinary and unlikely results and prizes, events such as speech days, founders' days, term dates and feast days are announced with topical themes, such as under-age drinking, drug abuse, obesity, celebrity culture, anti-social behaviour and cheating in exams. The school is sometimes referred to as "the Eton of the West Midlands", in reference to that area's relative lack of such schools.
• Neasden is a Greater London suburb which is the location of various parody institutions, and is often given as the origin of fictional letters. In 1971, Richard Ingrams said simply that Neasden was used "to denote the contemporary urban environment". Stories from the world of football are satirised in "reports" by E.I. Addio (a reference to the football chant Ee Aye Addio) about the mythical and notoriously underperforming club Neasden F.C., which plays in the deliciously depressing North Circular Relegation League, with quotes from its manager "tight-lipped, ashen-faced supremo Ron Knee (59)" and "the fans" (implying that there were only two) Sid and Doris Bonkers. Sid and Doris Hill are occasionally given as the fans' names, a pun on the suburb of Dollis Hill, which is near Neasden. The club's recent misfortunes lampooned the recent tribulations of major clubs in the national news. Often, underneath a spoof sports story, the sub-column "late result" would appear, reporting on a match recently played by Neasden. This normally involved a humorously unlikely team, often one related to current affairs, such as Taleban FC. Neasden nearly always lose by a huge margin, often owing to own goals scored by veteran player "Baldy" Pevsner, who often scores a consolation "one boot", and in spite of the efforts of their goalkeeper, "One-legged net-minder Wally Foot". Neasden is also the setting for the regular column Neasden Police Log, a fictional log-entry style police report that almost invariably depicts the police as racist, incompetent, and obsessed with observing politically correct rules at the expense of maintaining law and order. In 1970, Neasden (song) was a brief hit put in the Eye as a throwaway plastic single, sung by William Rushton, who contributed to the Eye as a cartoonist: it can be heard in Betjeman's TV documentary Metro-land as a backing track. Betjeman also worked on the paper as its architectural correspondent.
• Spiggy Topes is, with or without his group The Turds, the archetypal rock star, often used when the magazine wishes to satirise the antics of the more pretentious members of the rock establishment. His persona appears to owe a good deal to John Lennon and Mick Jagger, although Paul McCartney's fashion designer daughter Stella was once referred to as Stella Topes. In some entries, Topes has received both a knighthood and a more refined version of his name – "Sir Spigismund Topes".
• Dave Spart was a parody of the stereotypical left-wing agitator (modelled on and sometimes directly applied to Ken Livingstone) who featured in editions of the 1970s and from time to time since (for example, after the street riots in England in 2011). Occasionally, his sister, Deirdre Spart, has offered her views. Private Eye often refers to real-life hard-left activists as "Spartists", itself a parody of historical left-wing Spartacists.

• A taxi driver writes is a spoof of generally right-wing views of politicians, and parodies hackney carriage drivers' chat with customers, frequently ending with some figure prominent in the news of the day ("I had that insert name in the back of the cab the other day... lovely fella").

From the message boards

"From the message boards" a parody of on-line discussion threads (especially those of BBC Radio 5 Live) whose users publish their comments using pseudonyms and are usually notable for extreme political or social attitudes expressed in poorly written English. The feature includes several recurring characters:

• Bogbrush who usually sets the ball rolling by noting a recent news item and then adds an effusive comment ("Great stuff guys!"), once the theme has been expanded.

• Hayley 321, who frequently mis-interprets the comments of others and always starts hers with "not bein funny but...". For example in response to a comment reading "And William has issue now, with the arrival of Prince George!" Hayley 321 wrote "not bein funny but has he got issue's with baby george? thats sad maybe they can get family councilling?"

• Metric Martyr, a right-wing commentator who frequently bemoans "political correctness", the BBC and the EU, and also referred to white Britons as an "ethnic minority".

• Hatfield Gooner, presumably a supporter of Arsenal FC from his name (the club's supporters are often informally referred to as 'Gooners,' a corruption of the club's official nickname 'The Gunners') this contributor frequently makes off-topic and off-colour jokes or insulting comments about other board users and is something of an Internet troll.

• Justice4Maddy, who in every contribution, attempts to link any given topic under discussion to either the disappearance of British child Madeleine McCann or related matters, no matter how irrelevant or removed from the topic at hand these may be.

• FamilyMan, an aggressive father who often threatens to 'do time' (go to prison) rather than allow his children to be harmed by persons, usually topical figures or celebrities, under discussion on the message board.

• Brown Out, similar to Metric Martyr, this contributor frequently laments various 'injustices' suffered by the British people at the hands of perceived political correctness and liberal values. The name is related to former UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown, a further joke being that Brown lost power in 2010, yet Brown Out still demands his resignation.

• Athelstan, a fanatical English nationalist who always opens his contributions with the words "As an Englishman with a thousand years of Angelfolc blood coursing through my veins..." Athelstan is able to bring the conversation around to the apparent decline of 'authentic' English identity, regardless of the topic at hand.

Names intentionally misspelled or misstated

• Prime Minister Harold Wilson was always named as "Wislon", a name also later applied to AN Wilson.
• The late Sir James Goldsmith, a frequent and vindictive litigant, was usually "Sir Jammy Fishpaste" and other similar names, such as "St. Jammy Fishfingers". The magazine considered some aspects of his activities objectionable.
• Sir James Goldsmith's short-lived magazine Now! was renamed Talbot! (with the exclamation mark) after a range of cars that were launched at around the same time.
• Capita, a long-term favourite target of Private Eye, is frequently called "Crapita" and "the world's worst outsourcing firm".
• The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs is usually called the "Department for the Elimination/Eradication of Farming and Rural Affairs"; its acronym DEFRA is usually spelt DEFRO (Death Row), and its former long-term minister Margaret Beckett is still called Rosa Klebb after the character in the James Bond film From Russia With Love. Its forerunner, the Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food (MAFF), was referred to as the "Maffia".
• First Group is usually known as "Worst Group".
• The Serious Fraud Office is often the Serious Farce Office.
• The Department of Trade and Industry was often the "Department of Timidity and Inaction".
• The Department for Transport (DfT) is usually referred as "DafT".
• The defunct Financial Services Authority, invariably referred to as "The Fundamentally Supine Authority" in reference to its reluctance to act and its seemingly close relationship with the industry it is supposed to regulate, often contrasting its performance with the swift and draconian methods of its United States counterparts.
• The Carter-Ruck law firm, a specialist in libel cases, is almost always referred to as Carter-Fuck (and once, in response to a complaint from the firm, as Farter-Fuck)
• Piers Morgan is referred to as Piers Moron, sometimes Piers "Morgan" Moron.
• The city of Brighton and Hove is often referred to as "Skidrow-on-Sea" in the "Rotten Boroughs" column.
• The Daily Telegraph newspaper is usually referred to as the "Torygraph" because of its political leaning towards the Conservative Party.
• The Independent is frequently called "The Indescribablyboring".
• The Guardian newspaper is generally referred to as "the grauniad", in reference to the paper's reputation for typographical errors and mistakes and its lower-case masthead logo. Editor Alan Rusbridger is usually referred to as "Rubbisher".
• The Daily Express newspaper has been lampooned as the Daily Getsworse. In previous years, it was called the Daily Titsbychristmas, referring to how it was increasingly copying the style of The Sun, before Express Newspapers launched the down-market Daily Star in November 1978.
• The Sunday Times is called "The Sunset Times".
• Private Eye also frequently referred to itself as "Etavirp Yee" – an anagram.
• The Evening Standard is called "The Evening Boris" for its support of the current Mayor of London, Boris Johnson; and possibly also in reference to the paper's Russian owners, Alexander Lebedev and Evgeny Lebedev.
• "The Maily Telegraph" is a composite of The Daily Telegraph and The Daily Mail. Similarly, "The Stun" is a generic red top tabloid newspaper, like The Sun and The Daily Star.
• From 1964 until his death, Sir Alec Douglas-Home was referred to as Baillie Vass, after his photograph was mistakenly captioned as such in the Aberdeen Evening Express.
• Queen Elizabeth II is regularly referred to as "Brenda"; and Charles, Prince of Wales as "Brian". Historically, Princess Margaret, Elizabeth's sister, was "Yvonne", and Diana, Princess of Wales, was "Cheryl".
• Richard Branson is regularly referred to as "Beardie".

Jibes aimed at individuals

• Historically the Eye has nicknamed many regular targets for satirical attack. Former Labour Prime Minister Harold Wilson was "Lord Gannex", a name mocking his close association with Joseph Kagan, founder of the Gannex raincoat, who received a knighthood and a peerage from Wilson. Wilson was also sometimes called "Wislon" (suggesting presumptions of being an ordinary chap), a nickname later transferred to AN Wilson, a columnist and writer. TV and radio presenter Robert Robinson was "Smuggins", so-called because of a supposedly elevated, condescending air he brought to his programmes and because of his Oxbridge manner. Harold Evans, for many years editor of the Sunday Times, was "Dame Harold Evans", perhaps because of his interview mannerisms. Many others were to follow.
• At one point the magazine printed many letters from a reader named "Ena B Maxwell", of "Headington Hall, Oxfordshire", the real-life address of Robert Maxwell. The letters were written by the Private Eye editorial team, and the pseudonym was attached to suggest that he was writing to the magazine under an assumed identity. The letters were careful not to make any legally actionable claims, instead containing material that was impertinent or absurd in order to ridicule Maxwell. "Ena" still makes occasional appearances in the letters column with varying surnames. Maxwell himself was "Cap'n Bob", a mocking reference to his ownership of a large yacht and regular appearances in a ship captain's cap, conflated with a character from the TV adverts for Bird's Eye fish fingers.
• Mary Ann Bighead, a parody of journalist Mary Ann Sieghart, often writes columns trumpeting her own brilliance and that of her daughters Brainella and Intelligencia.
• A regular feature of the Letters page is "Photo Opportunity", where correspondents concoct spurious reasons for the magazine to print a particular 1995 photo of journalist Andrew Neil embracing a young woman, often described as Asian or mistaken for former Miss India Pamella Bordes – though she is in fact African American. On the photograph's initial printing, it was learned that Neil found the photograph embarrassing, and the Eye has reprinted it frequently since. Neil has described this as an example of "public school racism" on the part of the magazine's editorial staff, which he found "fascinating". The magazine nicknamed him Brillo, after his wiry hair which is seen as bearing a resemblance to a form of kitchen scouring pad. In addition, it often misspells his surname with an extra L, in reference to Neil's relationship with Pamella Bordes, whose name is written with two Ls.

• "(Shome mishtake, shurely? Ed)" is supposedly a blue pencil by the editor, who is slurring a little after lunch. It may have allusions to the late Bill Deedes (Lord Deedes), who did slur that way. He was also the eponymous "Dear Bill" that the fictional Denis Thatcher was forever writing to while his wife Margaret was in government. These articles were actually written by John Wells.
• "Dirty Des" is the nickname frequently used for Daily Express and Daily Star proprietor Richard Desmond. Stories concerning goings on at Desmond's various publications are printed in most editions of the magazine, the nickname alluding to Desmond's ownership of several pornographic magazine titles and television channels and the supposed contradiction between their content and the 'family-oriented' content of his mainstream titles.
• British entrepreneur Richard Branson is referred to by the name 'Beardy' presumably because of his permanent beard.
• Conservative Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne is generally called 'Gideon' by the magazine. Osborne was indeed originally named 'Gideon' but disliked the name and voluntarily changed it to 'George' as a young man.

Spurious surrealism

Towards the end of each issue, the magazine contains increasingly surreal jokes, references and parodies. Many of these have developed over time, and are thus now very familiar to long-term readers.

• The magazine itself is frequently referred to as an "organ", providing endless possibilities for sexual innuendo, but also in reference to the eye as an organ of the body.
• Numbered lists are usually shorter than stated and include two final entries of "Er..." and "That's it".
• The number 94 is used as a generic large number, to indicate that something is lengthy and boring. This originated with some articles ending mid-sentence with "(continued page 94)" – a page which does not exist, as the organ does not extend to such a length. This has since been expanded to anything else involving a number, e.g. "the awards ceremony, in its 94th year", or spoof transcripts of radio broadcasts which end with "(continued 94 MHz)".
• Phil Space is a fictional journalist. He 'writes' articles mainly to fill space on the page, hence his name – and similarly Phil Pages, Phil Airtime (a radio news correspondent) and Philippa Column. The articles are rarely informative or useful and are often completely irrelevant. Such articles may include the byline, "From our correspondent Phil Space". A supposed continental counterpart, Monsieur Phil(-lippe) Espace, is sometimes mentioned when the story has an international background.
• The regular Private Eye columnist Polly Filler is Phil's female counterpart. The name refers to Polyfilla, a brand name of spackling paste used to fill in cracks and spaces.
• Trouser presses are another item commonly placed on lists or used in adverts, as an example of pointless extravagance or silly tat.
• They Flew to Bruges is a fictitious war film that often appears in TV channel listings and reviews. The title refers to the hostility of Margaret Thatcher's later cabinets to the EU and their visits to Europe to argue for lower budgetary contributions by Britain. It is often used to mock the self-importance of anti-EU Tory MPs, particularly of the older school, like William Cash.
• Mr Madeupname. Sometimes used when referring to an improbable interviewee (often) in a tabloid newspaper article.
• Grapefruit segments – once a pervasive and deliberately out-of-place component of lists (such as features on new cars), now seldom seen.
• Australian appears as a colour option on various spoof ads as in "Available in Blue, Black or Australian".
• The Sizzler – an alleged fried breakfast for sale at extortionate prices on any train journey mentioned. At the first mention of the Sizzler, the article in which it appeared would be sidelined into a recital of the item's deliciousness.
• The Grand Old Duke of York, based on a children's nursery rhyme, is used to parody current military news, such as cutbacks or scandals. For example, reports may appear that the Duke's 10,000 men are being reduced to 100 and will not be marching up any hills because they have no boots.