User talk:Alex3877/sandbox

Hi Alex, Nice job on this assignment. I'm glad you were able to find so many things to edit on your selected article. -Momo Sumomox4nouchi (talk) 00:12, 8 February 2019 (UTC)sumomox4nouchi

Hi Alex,

I think you could be more specific in what you mean by ethnicity plays “large part” in determining health outcomes. This claim, based on your contributions and the existing content of the current paragraph, feels a bit unsubstantiated. I realize there are citations, but I think you need to draw some details from the sources to be a bit more clear on how.

Additionally, when you say “poverty can overpower race,” I think you should re-word this as “poverty may [sometimes] impact health incomes more drastically impact than race, but it is nonetheless significant.”

I love that you’ve linked specifically the education section of the poverty page to your first sentence claim of the second area paragraph! However, I think “according to Mirowsky and Ross” may be a bit too academic and non-encyclopedic; consider removing this clause and just cite them instead. I also think when you say “…occupation and income, which determines health outcomes” that it may be less repetitive and generalizing to say “which also affects health outcomes.” Moreover, the third sentence feels repetitive of the second. Consider combining them and being as straightforward as possible. Perhaps even define, at some point, what you mean by health outcomes?

Your contributions to the sector section look great! Quite clear, encyclopedic, and not overly wordy.

Marleypirochta (talk) 00:53, 3 April 2019 (UTC)Marley Pirochta