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'{{short description|Social behavior that suggests interest in a deeper relationship with the other person}} {{redirect|Flirt|other uses|Flirt (disambiguation)}} {{Redirect|Sweet nothings|other uses|Sweet Nothings (disambiguation){{!}}Sweet Nothings}} {{Essay|date=August 2020}} [[Image:Das werdenSie ja nachher schon sehen.jpg|thumb|A poster by [[Henri Gerbault]] depicting flirting between a man and a woman]] '''Flirting''' or '''coquetry''' is a [[Social behavior|social]] and [[Human sexual activity|sexual behavior]] involving spoken or written communication, as well as [[body language]], by one person to another, either to suggest interest in a deeper relationship with the other person, or if done playfully, for amusement. Flirting usually involves speaking and behaving in a way that suggests a mildly greater [[intimacy]] than the actual [[personal relationship|relationship]] between the parties would justify, though within the rules of social [[etiquette]], which generally disapproves of a direct expression of sexual interest in the given setting. This may be accomplished by communicating a sense of playfulness or irony. [[Double entendre]]s (where one meaning is more formally appropriate, and another more suggestive) may be used. Body language can include flicking the hair, eye contact, brief touching, open stances, proximity, and other gestures. Flirting may be done in an under-exaggerated, shy or frivolous style. Vocal communication of interest can include, for example, * alterations in vocal tone (such as pace, volume, and intonation), * challenges (including teasing, questions, qualifying, and feigned disinterest), which may serve to increase tension, and to test intention and congruity, and * adoration which includes offers, approval and tact, knowledge and demonstration of [[wikt:poise|poise]], [[self-assurance]], smart and [[fashion|stylish]], a commanding attitude. Flirting behavior varies across cultures due to different modes of social etiquette, such as how closely people should stand ([[proxemics]]), how long to hold eye contact, how much touching is appropriate and so forth.<ref>{{cite web|url=http://www.spiegel.de/international/0,1518,419712,00.html |title=Scoring a German: Flirting with Fräuleins, Hunting for Herren |publisher=Spiegel.de |access-date=2012-10-03}}</ref> Nonetheless, some behaviors may be more universal. For example, ethologist [[Irenäus Eibl-Eibesfeldt]] found that in places as different as Africa and North America, women exhibit similar flirting behavior, such as a prolonged stare followed by a nonchalant break of gaze along with a little [[smile]].{{Citation needed|date=June 2021}} [[File:Marilyn Monroe and Cary Grant in Monkey Business trailer 3.JPG|thumb|right|Laurel (played by [[Marilyn Monroe]]) flirting with Dr. Fulton (played by [[Cary Grant]]) in the film ''[[Monkey Business (1952 film)|Monkey Business]]'']] ==Etymology== The origin of the word ''[[wikt:flirt|flirt]]'' is obscure. The ''[[Oxford English Dictionary]]'' (first edition) associates it with such onomatopoeic words as ''flit'' and ''flick'', emphasizing a lack of seriousness; on the other hand, it has been attributed to the old French ''conter fleurette'', which means "to (try to) [[seduction|seduce]]" by the dropping of flower petals, that is, "to speak sweet nothings". While old-fashioned, this expression is still used in French, often mockingly, but the English [[gallicism]] ''to flirt'' has made its way and has now become an [[anglicism]].<ref>{{cite web|url=http://gallica.bnf.fr/ark:/12148/bpt6k486334v/f532.item|title=Mémoires de l'Académie royale du Gard|first=Académie de Nîmes. Auteur du|last=texte|date=9 August 1876|website=Gallica}}</ref> The word ''fleurette'' was used in the 16th century in some sonnets,<ref>{{cite book|url=http://gallica.bnf.fr/ark:/12148/bpt6k5734760f/f340.image|title=La famine, ou Les Gabéonites, tragédie prise de la Bible et suivant celle de Saül, ensemble plusieurs autres oeuvres poëtiques de Jehan de La Taille de Bondaroy...|first1=La Taille, Jean de (1535?-1611?). Auteur du|last1=texte|first2=Arioste, L' (1474-1533). Auteur du|last2=texte|first3=La Taille, Jacques de (1542-1562). Auteur du|last3=texte|date=9 August 1573|website=Gallica}}</ref> and some other texts.<ref>{{cite book|url=http://gallica.bnf.fr/ark:/12148/bpt6k6274152x/f826.image|title=Les bigarrures et touches du seigneur des Accords . Avec les Apophtegmes du sieur Gaulard et les Escraignes dijonnoises. Dernière édition, reveue et de beaucoup augmentée|first1=Tabourot, Étienne (1549-1590). Auteur du|last1=texte|first2=Tabourot, Étienne (1549-1590). Auteur du|last2=texte|date=9 August 2018|website=Gallica}}</ref><ref>{{cite book|url=http://gallica.bnf.fr/ark:/12148/bpt6k72423n/f73.image|title=Les muses incognues ou La seille aux bourriers plaine de désirs et imaginations d'amour : réimprimé textuellement et collationné sur l'exemplaire existant à la Bibliothèque de l'Arsenal à Paris ([Reprod. en fac-sim.]) / recueil de poésies satyriques de Béroalde de Verville, de Guy de Tours, de Gauchet, de Berthelot, de Motin, etc.|first1=Guy de Tours (1562?-1611?). Auteur du|last1=texte|first2=Berthelot (15..-16.. ; poète satirique). Auteur du|last2=texte|first3=Béroalde de Verville, François (1556-1626). Auteur du|last3=texte|first4=Gauchet, Claude (1540-162.). Auteur du|last4=texte|date=9 August 2018|website=Gallica}}</ref><ref>{{cite book|url=http://gallica.bnf.fr/ark:/12148/bpt6k65869952/f690.image|title=Les comédies facécieuses de Pierre de Larivey, champenois . A l'imitation des anciens Grecs, Latins, & modernes Italiens. A sçavoir, le Laquais, la Veuve, les Esprits, le Morfondu, les Escolliers|first=Larivey, Pierre de (1540?-1619). Auteur du|last=texte|date=9 August 2018|website=Gallica}}</ref> The French word ''fleurette'' (small flower), and the language of old south France word ''flouretas'' (from the Latin ''flora'' (for flower)), are related to some little says where flowers are both at the same time a pretext and the comparison terms. In southern France, some usage were yet used in 1484,<ref>Revue des langues romanes</ref><ref>{{Citation|language = fr|author = Émile Littré|title=fleurette|work = Dictionnaire de la langue française|url = http://www.littre.org/definition/fleurette|author-link = Émile Littré}}</ref> In French, some other words more or less related are derived from the word fleur: for instance ''effleurer'' (English: lightly touch) from 13th century ''esflourée''; ''déflorer'' (English: deflower) from 13th century ''desflorer'' or ([[Foil (fencing)|fleuret]] (English Foil) 18th century. The association of flowers, spring, youth, and women is not modern and were yet considered in ancient culture, such as the [[Chloris]] in [[ancient Greece]], or [[Flora (deity)]] in the ancient [[Roman Empire]], including [[Floralia]] festival, and in other older poems, such as the [[Song of Songs]].<ref>{{Cite web|title=Floralia|url=https://penelope.uchicago.edu/~grout/encyclopaedia_romana/calendar/floralia.html|access-date=2021-08-28|website=penelope.uchicago.edu}}</ref><ref>{{Cite journal|last=Landy|first=Francis|date=1979|title=The Song of Songs and the Garden of Eden|url=https://www.jstor.org/stable/3265666|journal=Journal of Biblical Literature|volume=98|issue=4|pages=513–528|doi=10.2307/3265666|jstor=3265666|issn=0021-9231}}</ref> ==History== During World War II, anthropologist [[Margaret Mead]] was working in Britain for the British [[Ministry of Information (United Kingdom)|Ministry of Information]] and later for the U.S. [[United States Office of War Information|Office of War Information]],<ref name="uk">{{cite book | last = Mead | first = Margaret | editor=William O. Beeman | title = Studying Contemporary Western Society: Method and Theory | publisher = Berghahn Books | year = 2004 | location = New York | pages = 145, 149 | isbn = 978-1-57181-816-4}}</ref><ref> Mead's article, ''A Case History in Cross-National Communications'', was originally published in {{cite book | last = Bryson | first = Lyman | title = The Communication of Ideas | publisher = Institute for Religious and Social Studies, dist. by Harper and Brothers | year = 1948 | location = New York | oclc=1488507 }}</ref> delivering speeches and writing articles to help the American soldiers better understand the British civilians,<ref> e.g. {{cite book | last = Mead | first = Margaret | title = The American troops and the British community | publisher = Hutchinson | year = 1944 | location = London | oclc=43965908 }}</ref> and vice versa.<ref> e.g. {{cite journal | last = Mead | first = Margaret | title = What Is a Date? | journal = [[Transatlantic (disambiguation)|Transatlantic]] | volume = 10 | issue = June 1944 | oclc=9091671 }}</ref> She observed in the flirtations between the American soldiers and British women a pattern of misunderstandings regarding who is supposed to take which initiative. She wrote of the Americans, "The boy learns to make advances and rely upon the girl to repulse them whenever they are inappropriate to the state of feeling between the pair", as contrasted to the British, where "the girl is reared to depend upon a slight barrier of chilliness... which the boys learn to respect, and for the rest to rely upon the men to approach or advance, as warranted by the situation." This resulted, for example, in British women interpreting an American soldier's gregariousness as something more intimate or serious than he had intended.<ref name="uk"/> Communications theorist [[Paul Watzlawick]] used this situation, where "both American soldiers and British girls accused one another of being sexually brash", as an example of differences in "punctuation" in interpersonal communications. He wrote that courtship in both cultures used approximately 30 steps from "first eye contact to the ultimate consummation", but that the sequence of the steps was different. For example, kissing might be an early step in the American pattern but a relatively intimate act in the English pattern.<ref> {{cite book | last = Watzlawick | first = Paul | title = How Real Is Real? | publisher = Souvenir Press | year = 1983 | location = London | pages = 63–64 | isbn = 978-0-285-62573-0 }}</ref> Japanese courtesans had another form of flirting, emphasizing non-verbal relationships by hiding the lips and showing the eyes, as depicted in much [[Shunga (art)|Shunga art]], the most popular print media at the time, until the late 19th century. ===European hand fans=== {{Further|European hand fans in the 18th century}} The fan was extensively used as a means of communication and therefore a way of flirting from the 16th century onwards in some European societies, especially [[England]] and [[Spain]]. A whole sign language was developed with the use of the fan, and even [[etiquette]] books and magazines were published. Charles Francis Badini created the Original Fanology or Ladies' Conversation Fan which was published by William Cock in [[London]] in 1797. The use of the fan was not limited to women, as men also carried fans and learned how to convey messages with them. For instance, placing the fan near the heart meant "I love you", while opening a fan wide meant "Wait for me".<ref>{{cite web|url=http://www.avictorian.com/fanlanguage.html|publisher=Avictorian.com| title=Ladies and their Fans|access-date= 2010-06-23}}</ref> In Spain, where the use of fans (called "abanicos") is still very popular today,{{when|date=August 2018}} ladies used them to communicate with suitors or prospective suitors without attracting the notice of their families or [[Chaperone (social)|chaperons]]. This use was highly popular during the 19th and early 20th centuries.<ref>{{cite web|url=http://spainforvisitors.com/module-News-display-sid-236.htm|publisher=Spainforvisitors.com|title=The Language of the Fan|access-date=2010-06-23|archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20100626234341/http://spainforvisitors.com/module-News-display-sid-236.htm|archive-date=2010-06-26|url-status=dead}}</ref> ==Purpose== [[File:SundayNewOrleansFlirt1880s.jpeg|thumb|right|200px|A woman flirts with a soldier by tickling him with a feather.]] People flirt for a variety of reasons. According to [[social anthropologist]] [[Kate Fox]], there are two main types of flirting: flirting just for fun and flirting with further intent.<ref>{{cite web |last1=Fox |first1=Kate |title=SRIC Guide to Flirting |url=http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html |publisher=Sirc.org |access-date=2019-03-21}}</ref> In a 2014 review, Henningsen made a further distinction and identified six main motivations for flirting: sex, relational development, exploration, fun, self-esteem and instrumental.<ref name="Flirting with meaning: an examinati">{{cite journal |last1=Henningsen |first1=David |title=Flirting with meaning: an examination of miscommunication in flirting interactions |journal=Sex Roles |date=2004 |volume=50 |issue=7–8|pages=481–489 |doi=10.1023/B:SERS.0000023068.49352.4b |s2cid=143077407 }}</ref> Henningsen found that often, many flirting interactions involve more than one of these motives. There also appears to be gender differences in flirting motivations. ===Courtship=== Many people flirt as a [[courtship]] initiation method, with the aim of engaging in a sexual relationship with another person. In this sense, flirting plays a role in the mate-selection process. The person flirting will send out signals of sexual availability to another, and expects to see the interest returned in order to continue flirting. Flirting can involve non-verbal signs, such as an exchange of glances, hand-touching, and hair-touching; or verbal signs, such as chatting, giving flattering comments, and exchanging telephone numbers in order to initiate further contact. Many studies have confirmed that sex is a driving motivation for flirting behaviours. Additionally, Messman and colleagues' study provided support for this hypothesis; it demonstrated that, the more one was physically attracted to a person, the higher the chances one would flirt with them. Flirting with the goal of signalling interest appears as a puzzling phenomenon when considering that flirting is often performed very subtly. In fact, evidence shows that people are often mistaken in how they interpret flirting behaviours.<ref name="Motives to Remain Platonic, Equity">{{cite journal|last1=Messman|first1=Susan J|last2=Canary|first2=Daniel J|last3=Hause|first3=Kimberly|date=2000|title=Motives to Remain Platonic, Equity, and the Use of Maintenance Strategies in Opposite-Sex Friendships|journal=Journal of Social and Personal Relationships|volume=16|issue=67–94|pages=67–94|doi=10.1177/0265407500171004|s2cid=145745343}}</ref> Thus, if a main purpose of flirting is to signal interest to the other person, why isn't this signalling done more clearly and explicitly?A possible explanation for the ambiguous nature of human flirting lies in the costs associated with courtship signals. Indeed, according to Gersick and colleagues, signalling interest can be costly as it can lead to the disturbance of the nature of a relationship.<ref>{{cite journal| last1=Gersick| first1=Andrew|last2=Kurzban| first2=Robert| title= Covert Sexual Signaling: Human Flirtation and Implications for other Social Species| date=2014| journal=Evolutionary Psychology | volume=12| issue=3| pages=549–69| doi=10.1177/147470491401200305| pmid=25299992| doi-access=free}}</ref> For instance, signalling sexual interest to a friend bears the risk of introducing uncertainty into the friendship, especially if the romantic advance is rejected by the recipient. For this reason, individuals prefer engaging in a flirting interaction that is more subtle to limit the risks associated with the expression of sexual interest. More generally, human relationships are governed by social norms and whenever these are broken, one can suffer significant costs that can range from social, economic and even legal nature. As an illustration, a manager flirting with his subordinate can lead to strong costs such as being accused of sexual harassment, which can potentially lead to job loss. Additionally, third parties can impose costs on someone expressing sexual interest.<ref>{{cite journal| last1=Gersick| first1=Andrew|last2=Kurzban| first2=Robert| title= Covert Sexual Signaling: Human Flirtation and Implications for other Social Species| date=2014| journal=Evolutionary Psychology|volume=12| issue=3| pages=549–69| doi=10.1177/147470491401200305| pmid=25299992| doi-access=free}}</ref> Expressing sexual interest to somebody else's romantic partner is a highly punishable act. This often leads to jealousy from the person's partner which can trigger anger and (possible) physical punishment, especially in men.<ref>{{cite journal| last1=Buss| first1= David| last2=Schmitt| first2=David| title= Sexual strategies theory: An evolutionary perspective on human mating| date=1993| volume= 100| issue= 2| pages= 204–32| journal=Psychological Review| doi= 10.1037/0033-295x.100.2.204| pmid= 8483982}}</ref> Third parties can also impose costs through the act of eavesdropping. These can lead to damage to one's reputation leading to possible social, economic and legal costs. A last point to consider is that the costs associated with interest signalling are magnified in the case of humans, when compared to the animal world. Indeed, the existence of language means that information can circulate much faster. For instance, in the case of eavesdropping, the information overhead by the eavesdropper can be spread to very large social networks, thereby magnifying the social costs.<ref>{{cite journal| last1=Gersick| first1=Andrew|last2=Kurzban| first2=Robert| title= Covert Sexual Signaling: Human Flirtation and Implications for other Social Species| date=2014| journal=Evolutionary Psychology| volume=12| issue=3| pages=549–69| doi=10.1177/147470491401200305| pmid=25299992| doi-access=free}}</ref> ===Other motivations=== Another reason people engage in flirting is to consolidate or maintain a romantic relationship with their partner. They will engage in flirting behaviours to promote the flourishing of their relationship with their partner. People will also flirt with the goal of 'exploring'. In this sense, the aim is not necessarily to express sexual or romantic interest but simply to assess whether the other might be interested in them before making any decision about what they would want from that individual. Henningsen and Fox also demonstrated that flirting can sometimes be employed just for fun. For instance, studies have shown that flirting in the workplace was used mostly for fun purposes.<ref name="Flirting with meaning: an examinati"/> Another motive that drives flirting is developing one's own self esteem. People often feel highly valued when someone flirts with them. Therefore, often people flirt to encourage reciprocation and thereby increase their self esteem. As a last point, people might flirt for instrumental purposes. For instance, they will flirt to get something out of the other person such as a drink in a nightclub or a promotion at work. ===Gender differences in motivations=== Certain types of flirting seem to be more common amongst males compared to females and vice versa. To start with, Henningsen and colleagues' study demonstrated that flirting with sexual intent was found to be more prominent amongst men. On the other hand, flirting for relationship development purposes was more often employed by women.<ref name="Flirting with meaning: an examinati"/> These findings are not surprising when the [[parental investment]] theory is taken into account. First, it states that females are more choosy and men more competitive, therefore predicting that flirting as courtship initiation will be more commonly used amongst men. The theory also predicts that females invest more in their offspring, which makes them more prone to invest in their relationship as this can provide resources that can contribute to their offspring's survival. On the other hand, men have no guarantee that their mates' offspring is theirs, so have less incentives to seek long-term relationships; thereby explaining why men care less about flirting for relationship development.<ref>{{ cite book| last1=Campbell| first1=Bernard| title= Sexual selection and the descent of man| date=1972| publisher=Aldine| pages=1871–1971}}</ref> Additionally, Henningsen found that flirting for fun was more common in females than males. A possible explanation for this could lie in the fact that women engage in what he calls "practice flirting". As women are more selective and want to attract the best partner to take care of their offspring, they might flirt for fun to practice and evaluate what flirting behaviours work the best.<ref name="Flirting with meaning: an examinati"/> ==Examples== {{More citations needed section|date=June 2016}} {{Globalize|section|Western culture|date=June 2014}} [[File:Jealousy and Flirtation.jpg|thumb|A study in [[body language]]: [[Haynes King (painter)|Haynes King]]'s ''Jealousy and Flirtation'']] Flirting may consist of stylized gestures, language, [[body language]], [[Human position|postures]], and [[physiology|physiologic signs]] which act as cues to another person. Among these, at least in [[western culture|Western society]], are: * [[Air kiss|Blowing a kiss]] * Casual touching; such as gently stroking, touching each other's arms, chest and neck during flirting/heavy, intimate [[Making out|make-out sessions]] in [[Foreplay|preparation for sexual activity]]<ref name="Sexplanations"/> * [[Conversation]] (e.g. [[banter]], [[small talk]], [[pickup line]]s)<ref name="Sexplanations"/> * Coyness, marked by cute, coquettish [[shyness]] or [[modesty]], coquet or playful aggrandizement of a partner's importance * [[Eye contact]],<ref name="Sexplanations"/> batting eyelashes, or [[staring]] * [[Eyebrow]] raising * [[Flattery]] (e.g. regarding [[beauty]], [[sexual attractiveness]]) * [[Footsie (flirting)|Footsie]],<ref name="Sexplanations">{{cite AV media | url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HWDGrUQr-60 | title=Flirting | publisher=Sexplanations | date=2014-03-25}}</ref> a form of flirtation in which one uses their feet to play with another's * [[Hug|Hugging]] * [[Imitation|Imitating]] or [[Mirroring (psychology)|mirroring]] another's behavior (e.g. taking a drink when the other person takes a drink, changing posture as the other does, foreshadowing or mimicking someone's reactions to successful attraction etc.) * [[Laughter|Laughing]], giggling, chuckling encouragingly at any slight hint of intimacy in the other's behavior * Maintaining close proximity, such as during casual talking * [[Nickname]]s and other [[Term of endearment|terms of endearment]] to describe a partner's personality, beauty or sexiness * [[Online chat|Chatting online]], [[texting]], and using other one-on-one and direct messaging services, while hinting affection * [[Proteans (body language)|Protean]] signals or indicators of interest, such as touching one's hair, side-ways glance, and pointing one's chest towards partner's chest * [[Partner dancing]] * Writing [[love letter]]s and notes, [[poetry|poems]], or presenting small [[gift]]s * Singing specially selected [[love song]]s as a [[declaration of love]] and devotion in presence of one's partner * [[Smile|Smiling]] or grinning at partner and/or holding them close * Staging of "chance" encounters and romantic rendezvous * [[Sexting]] * [[Teasing]] * [[Tickling]] * [[Wink]]ing The effectiveness of many of these interactions has been subjected to detailed analysis by [[behavioral psychologist]]s,{{Citation needed|date=June 2021}} and advice on their use is available from [[dating coach]]es.<ref>{{Cite web|url=http://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-winter/the-dating-game-of-hot-and-cold_b_7093446.html|title=The Dating Game of Hot and Cold|last=Winter|first=Susan|date=2015-04-19|website=Huffington Post|language=en-US|access-date=2017-03-15}}</ref> ==Cultural variations== Flirting varies a great deal from culture to culture. For example, for many Western cultures one very common flirting strategy includes eye contact. However, eye contact can have a very different meaning in some Asian countries, where women might get in trouble if they return a glance to men who stare at them{{Citation needed|date=June 2021}}. Furthermore, Chinese and Japanese women are sometimes not expected to initiate eye contact as it could be considered rude and disrespectful.<ref>{{cite web|url=http://www.brighthub.com/education/languages/articles/35828.aspx|title=Covert glances and eye contact|publisher=Brighthub.com|access-date=2010-06-23|archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20100410153239/http://www.brighthub.com/education/languages/articles/35828.aspx|archive-date=2010-04-10|url-status=dead}}</ref> [[File:Eugen de Blaas The Flirtation.jpg|thumb|''The Flirtation'' by [[Eugene de Blaas]]. A study of body language: a man flirting]] The distance between two people is also important when flirting. People from the "contact cultures", such as those in the Mediterranean or Latin America, may feel comfortable with closer proximity, whereas a British or Northern European person may typically need more space. Although touching, especially of the hand or arm, can constitute flirting, touching is also often done without intentions of flirting, particularly in the contact cultures where it forms a natural part of communication.<ref>{{cite web|url=http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html| title=SIRC Guide to Flirting|publisher=Sirc.org|access-date= 2010-06-23}}</ref> In [[Japan]], flirting in the street or public places is known as ''[[nanpa]]''. ==See also== * [[Anti-Flirt Club]] * [[Making out]] * [[Public display of affection]] * [[Wingman (social)]] ==References== {{reflist|30em}} {{Commons category|Flirting}} {{wikiquote}} {{Wikisource|The_Royal_Path_of_Life/Flirting|A nineteenth century perspective on flirting}} {{Human sexuality and sexology}} {{Human sexuality}} [[Category:Sexual attraction]] [[Category:Philosophy of love]]'