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'{{short description|Social behavior that suggests interest in a deeper relationship with the other person}} {{For|other uses of "Flirting", "Flirtation", and "Flirt"|Flirt (disambiguation)}} {{Redirect|Sweet nothings|other uses|Sweet Nothings (disambiguation)}} {{multiple issues| {{Essay|date=August 2020}} {{copy edit|date=December 2022}} }} [[Image:Das werdenSie ja nachher schon sehen.jpg|thumb|A poster by [[Henri Gerbault]] depicting flirting between a man and a woman]] '''Flirting''' or '''coquetry''' is a [[Social behavior|social]] and [[Human sexual activity|sexual behavior]] involving [[body language]], or spoken or written communication. It is used to suggest interest in a deeper relationship with another person and for amusement. A person might flirt with another by speaking or behaving in such a way that suggests their desire to increase [[intimacy]] in their current [[personal relationship|relationship]] with that person. The approach may include communicating a sense of playfulness, irony, or by using [[double entendre]]s. [[File:Jealousy and Flirtation.jpg|thumb|A study in [[body language]]: [[Haynes King (painter)|Haynes King]]'s ''Jealousy and Flirtation'']] * [[File:Marilyn Monroe and Cary Grant in Monkey Business trailer 3.JPG|thumb|right|Laurel (played by [[Marilyn Monroe]]) flirting with Dr. Fulton (played by [[Cary Grant]]) in the film ''[[Monkey Business (1952 film)|Monkey Business]]'' (1952)]] == Etymology == The origin of the word "[[wikt:flirt|flirt]]" is unknown. The ''[[Oxford English Dictionary]]'' (first edition) associates{{fact|date=May 2023}} the verb form&mdash;first used in 1580&mdash;with the intransitive "[[wikt:flit|flit]]" and the noun form&mdash;ca 1590&mdash;with the transitive "[[wikt:flick|flick]]".<ref>{{cite web | url=https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/flirting#h2 | title=flirt | publisher=Merriam-Webster Dictionary | accessdate=6 May 2023 | quote=The first known use of flirt was in 1580}}</ref> Flirt has been attributed to the French [[wikt:conter_fleurette|conter fleurette]], which has fallen out of common use. The French word "fleurette" (small flower) was used in the 16th century in some sonnets<ref>{{cite book|url=http://gallica.bnf.fr/ark:/12148/bpt6k5734760f/f340.image|title=La famine, ou Les Gabéonites, tragédie prise de la Bible et suivant celle de Saül, ensemble plusieurs autres oeuvres poëtiques de Jehan de La Taille de Bondaroy...|author1=La Taille, Jean de|author2=Arioste, L'|author3=La Taille, Jacques de|date=9 August 1573|via=[[Gallica]]}}</ref> and texts.<ref>{{cite book|url=http://gallica.bnf.fr/ark:/12148/bpt6k6274152x/f826.image|title=Les bigarrures et touches du seigneur des Accords . Avec les Apophtegmes du sieur Gaulard et les Escraignes dijonnoises. Dernière édition, reveue et de beaucoup augmentée|author1=Tabourot, Étienne|author2=Tabourot, Étienne|date=9 August 2018|via=Gallica}}</ref><ref>{{cite book|url=http://gallica.bnf.fr/ark:/12148/bpt6k72423n/f73.image|title=Les muses incognues ou La seille aux bourriers plaine de désirs et imaginations d'amour : réimprimé textuellement et collationné sur l'exemplaire existant à la Bibliothèque de l'Arsenal à Paris ([Reprod. en fac-sim.]) / recueil de poésies satyriques de Béroalde de Verville, de Guy de Tours, de Gauchet, de Berthelot, de Motin, etc.|author1=Guy de Tours|author2=Berthelot|author3=Béroalde de Verville, François|author4=Gauchet, Claude|date=9 August 2018|via=Gallica}}</ref><ref>{{cite book|url=http://gallica.bnf.fr/ark:/12148/bpt6k65869952/f690.image|title=Les comédies facécieuses de Pierre de Larivey, champenois . A l'imitation des anciens Grecs, Latins, & modernes Italiens. A sçavoir, le Laquais, la Veuve, les Esprits, le Morfondu, les Escolliers|author=Larivey, Pierre de|date=9 August 2018|via=Gallica}}</ref> While this term is now seen as outdated, this expression is still used in French, often mockingly, however the English [[gallicism]], "to flirt''"'' is in the common vernacular and has now become an [[anglicism]].<ref>{{cite web|url=http://gallica.bnf.fr/ark:/12148/bpt6k486334v/f532.item|title=Mémoires de l'Académie royale du Gard|author=Académie de Nîmes|date=9 August 1876|via=Gallica}}{{verification needed|date=May 2023}}</ref> == Historical context == During World War II, anthropologist [[Margaret Mead]] was working in Britain for the British [[Ministry of Information (United Kingdom)|Ministry of Information]] and later for the U.S. [[United States Office of War Information|Office of War Information]],<ref name="uk">{{cite book | last = Mead | first = Margaret | editor=William O. Beeman | title = Studying Contemporary Western Society: Method and Theory | publisher = Berghahn Books | year = 2004 | location = New York | pages = 145, 149 | isbn = 978-1-57181-816-4}}</ref><ref> Mead's article, ''A Case History in Cross-National Communications'', was originally published in {{cite book | last = Bryson | first = Lyman | title = The Communication of Ideas | publisher = Institute for Religious and Social Studies, dist. by Harper and Brothers | year = 1948 | location = New York | oclc=1488507 }}</ref> delivering speeches and writing articles to help the [[Americans|American]] soldiers better understand the British civilians,<ref> e.g. {{cite book | last = Mead | first = Margaret | title = The American troops and the British community | publisher = Hutchinson | year = 1944 | location = London | oclc=43965908 }}</ref> and vice versa.<ref> e.g. {{cite journal | last = Mead | first = Margaret | title = What Is a Date? | journal = [[Transatlantic (disambiguation)|Transatlantic]] | volume = 10 | issue = June 1944 | oclc=9091671 }}</ref> She observed in the flirtations between the American soldiers and British women a pattern of misunderstandings regarding who is supposed to take which initiative. She wrote of the Americans, "The boy learns to make advances and rely upon the girl to repulse them whenever they are inappropriate to the state of feeling between the pair", as contrasted to the British, where "the girl is reared to depend upon a slight barrier of chilliness... which the boys learn to respect, and for the rest to rely upon the men to approach or advance, as warranted by the situation." When flirting with each other, British women could interpret an American soldier's gregariousness as something more intimate or serious than he had intended.<ref name="uk"/> Communications theorist [[Paul Watzlawick]] researched courtship behaviors between English women and North American servicemen in late- to post-WWII, finding common misunderstandings of intent. The simple act of [[kissing]] during the 'wrong stage' of the courtship often led both parties to believe the other was being too forward, too soon.<ref>{{cite book | title=How Real Is Real? | publisher=Souvenir Press | author=Watzlawick, Paul | year=1983 | edition=1st illustrated reprint | location=London | pages=63–64 | isbn=978-0-285-62573-0 | quote=One interesting aspect was a comparison of courtship patterns. Both American soldiers and British girls accused one another of being sexually brash. Investigation of this curious double charge brought to light an interesting punctuation problem. In both cultures, courtship behavior from the first eye contact to the ultimate consummation went through approximately thirty setps, but the sequence of these steps was different. Kissing, for instance, comes relatively early in the North American pattern (occupying, let us say, step 5) and relatively late in the English pattern (at step 25, let us assume), where it is considered highly erotic behavior. So when the U.S., soldier somehow felt that the time was right for a harmless kiss, not only did the girl feel cheated out of twenty steps of what for her would have been proper behavior on his part, she also felt she had to make a quick decision: break off the realtionship and run, or get ready for intercourse. If she chose the latter, the soldier was confronted with behavior that according to _his_ cultural rules could only be called shameless at this early state of the relationship.}}</ref> === European hand fans === {{Further|European hand fans in the 18th century}} The fan was extensively used as a means of communication and therefore a way of flirting from the 16th century onwards in some European societies, especially [[England]] and [[Spain]]. A whole sign language was developed with the use of the fan, and even [[etiquette]] books and magazines were published. [[Charles Francis Badini]] created the Original Fanology or Ladies' Conversation Fan, which was published by William Cock in [[London]] in 1797. The use of the fan was not limited to women, as men also carried fans and learned how to convey messages with them. For instance, placing the fan near the heart meant "I love you", while opening a fan wide meant "Wait for me".<ref>{{cite web|url=http://www.avictorian.com/fanlanguage.html|publisher=Avictorian.com| title=Ladies and their Fans|access-date= 2010-06-23}}</ref> In Spain, where the use of fans (called "abanicos") is still very popular today,{{when|date=August 2018}} ladies used them to communicate with suitors or prospective suitors without attracting the notice of their families or [[Chaperone (social)|chaperons]]. This use was highly popular during the 19th and early 20th centuries.<ref>{{cite web|url=http://spainforvisitors.com/module-News-display-sid-236.htm|publisher=Spainforvisitors.com|title=The Language of the Fan|access-date=2010-06-23|archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20100626234341/http://spainforvisitors.com/module-News-display-sid-236.htm|archive-date=2010-06-26|url-status=dead}}</ref> == Purpose == [[File:SundayNewOrleansFlirt1880s.jpeg|thumb|right|200px|A woman flirts with a soldier by tickling him with a feather.]] People flirt for a variety of reasons. According to [[social anthropologist]] [[Kate Fox]], there are two main types of flirting: flirting just for fun and flirting with further intent.<ref>{{cite web |last1=Fox |first1=Kate |title=SRIC Guide to Flirting |url=http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html |publisher=Sirc.org |access-date=2019-03-21}}</ref> In a 2014 review, sociologist [[David Henningsen]] identified six main motivations for flirting: sex, relational development, exploration, fun, self-esteem, and as a means to an end.<ref name="Flirting with meaning: an examinati">{{cite journal |last1=Henningsen |first1=David |title=Flirting with meaning: an examination of miscommunication in flirting interactions |journal=Sex Roles |date=2004 |volume=50 |issue=7–8|pages=481–489 |doi=10.1023/B:SERS.0000023068.49352.4b |s2cid=143077407 }}</ref> Henningsen found that many flirting interactions involve more than one of these motives. There also appear to be gender differences in flirting motivation. === Courtship === {{unreferenced section|date=May 2023}} Many people flirt as a [[courtship]] initiation method, with the aim of engaging in a sexual relationship with another person. In this sense, flirting plays a role in the mate-selection process. The person flirting will send out signals of sexual availability to another, and expects to see the interest returned in order to continue flirting. Flirting can involve non-verbal signs, such as an exchange of glances, hand-touching, and hair-touching; or verbal signs, such as chatting, giving flattering comments, and exchanging telephone numbers in order to initiate further contact. Many studies have confirmed that sex is a motivation for flirting. Additionally, Messman and colleagues' study provided support for this hypothesis; it demonstrated that, the more one was physically attracted to a person, the higher the chances one would flirt with them. === Misinterpretation and consequences === {{section rewrite|date=May 2023}} Flirting with the goal of signaling interest appears as a puzzling phenomenon{{whom|date=May 2023}} when considering that flirting is often performed very subtly. In fact, evidence shows that people are often mistaken in how they interpret flirting behaviors.<ref name="Motives to Remain Platonic, Equity">{{cite journal|last1=Messman|first1=Susan J|last2=Canary|first2=Daniel J|last3=Hause|first3=Kimberly|date=2000|title=Motives to Remain Platonic, Equity, and the Use of Maintenance Strategies in Opposite-Sex Friendships|journal=Journal of Social and Personal Relationships|volume=16|issue=67–94|pages=67–94|doi=10.1177/0265407500171004|s2cid=145745343}}</ref> Logically, if the main purpose of flirting is to signal interest to the other person, then the signaling would be done clearly and explicitly. A possible explanation for the ambiguous nature of human flirting lies in the costs associated with courtship signals. Indeed, according to Gersick and colleagues, signaling interest can be costly as it can lead to the disturbance of the nature of a relationship.<ref name="covert_1" /> Third parties can impose costs on individuals expressing sexual interest.{{clarify|date=May 2023}}<ref name="covert_1" /> Expressing sexual interest to somebody else's romantic partner is a highly punishable act.{{whom|date=May 2023}} This often leads to jealousy from the person's partner which can trigger anger and (possible) physical punishment, especially in men.{{dubious|date=May 2023}}<ref>{{cite journal| last1=Buss| first1= David| last2=Schmitt| first2=David| title= Sexual strategies theory: An evolutionary perspective on human mating| date=1993| volume= 100| issue= 2| pages= 204–32| journal=Psychological Review| doi= 10.1037/0033-295x.100.2.204| pmid= 8483982}} {{subscription required}}</ref> Third parties can also impose costs through the act of eavesdropping.{{original research inline|date=May 2023}} These can lead to damage to one's reputation leading to possible social, economic and legal costs.{{fact|date=May 2023}} The costs associated with interest signaling are magnified in the case of humans when compared to the animal world, {{original research inline|date=May 2023}} as the existence of language means information can circulate much faster. For instance, in the case of eavesdropping, the information overheard by the eavesdropper can be spread to very large social networks, thereby magnifying the social costs.<ref name="covert_1">{{cite journal | first1=Andrew | last1=Gersick | title=Covert Sexual Signaling: Human Flirtation and Implications for other Social Species | date=2014 | last2=Kurzban | first2=Robert | journal=Evolutionary Psychology | volume=12 | issue=3 | pages=549–69 | doi=10.1177/147470491401200305 | doi-access=free | pmid=25299992}}</ref> === Other motivations === Another reason people engage in flirting is to consolidate or maintain a romantic relationship with their partner. They will engage in flirting behaviors to promote the flourishing of their relationship with their partner. People will also flirt with the goal of 'exploring'. In this sense, the aim is not necessarily to express sexual or romantic interest but simply to assess whether the other might be interested in them before making any decision about what they would want from that individual. Henningsen and Fox also demonstrated that flirting can sometimes be employed just for fun. For instance, studies have shown that flirting in the workplace was used mostly for fun purposes.<ref name="Flirting with meaning: an examinati"/> Another motive that drives flirting is developing one's own self-esteem by encouraging reciprocation. === Gender differences in motivations === Certain types of flirting seem to vary by gender. Henningsen and colleagues' study demonstrated that flirting with sexual intent was found to be more prominent amongst men while flirting for relationship development purposes was more often employed by women.<ref name="Flirting with meaning: an examinati" /> Additionally, Henningsen found that women may engage in what he calls "practice flirting," that is, using the behavior to evaluate potential partners.<ref name="Flirting with meaning: an examinati" /> In [[evolutionary biology]], the [[parental investment]] theory states that females are more selective and males are more competitive, therefore predicting that flirting as courtship initiation will be more commonly used by males. The theory also predicts that females provide more resources to their offspring, which causes them to invest in a mate that can contribute to their offspring's survival.<ref>{{cite book| last1=Campbell| first1=Bernard| title= Sexual selection and the descent of man| date=1972| publisher=Aldine| pages=1871–1971}}</ref> == Cultural variations == Flirting behavior varies culture to culture due to different modes of social etiquette, such as [[proxemics|how closely people should stand]], how long to hold eye contact, how much touching is appropriate and so forth.<ref>{{cite web | url=http://www.spiegel.de/international/0,1518,419712,00.html | title=Scoring a German: Flirting with Fräuleins, Hunting for Herren | date=5 June 2006 | accessdate=6 May 2023 | newspaper=Spiegel International | quote=HE SAYS: ... German women, though, have become conditioned to a much more subtle style of coquetry. Interest is indicated by way of a studied, concentrated look on the part of the man -- a gaze which may, but often doesn't, include a smile. Rather than a stare, though, the look should be brief and fleeting -- and the man's job is done. In a German-on-German flirt, the power rests solidly with the Fräulein. [....] SHE SAYS: ... The bottom line, though, is that it is often up to the foreign woman to break the ice in a way the German man understands: heavy on the warm-yet-serious discussion and lighter on the flippant-friendly-sexy thing. Flirting in Germany is not nearly as fun, meaningless or flattering as it is elsewhere. But the sometimes awkward but also deliciously subtle dance between the genders here might just grow on you.}}</ref> Nonetheless, some behaviors may be more universal. Ethologist [[Irenäus Eibl-Eibesfeldt]] discovered women from different continents (Africa and North America) behave similarly in some ways when flirting, such as nonchalantly breaking their gaze and smiling after first staring for a prolonged period of time.<ref>{{cite web | access-date=6 May 2023 | url=https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/m03aboutlastnight-20161118-gssbxl.html | title=About Last Night: Where do I draw the line with flirting? | date=29 Nov 2016 | author=Matthews, Maureen | language=en | quote=Q: I'm a guy who loves to flirt but it can get me into trouble. How do you judge the line between harmless flirting, seduction, sexual harassment, leading someone on, being inappropriate, and so on? It feels like a social minefield. A: It seems that some form of flirting is universal in social intercourse. | website=The Sydney Morning Herald}}</ref> [[File:Eugen de Blaas The Flirtation.jpg|thumb|''The Flirtation'' by [[Eugene de Blaas]]. A study of body language: a man flirting]] In "contact cultures," such as those in the Mediterranean or Latin America, closer proximity is common, compared with cultures such as those in Britain or Northern Europe. The variation in social norms may lead to different interpretations of what is considered to be flirting.<ref>{{cite web|url=http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html| title=SIRC Guide to Flirting|publisher=Sirc.org|access-date= 2010-06-23}}</ref> Japanese courtesans had another form of flirting, emphasizing non-verbal relationships by hiding the lips and showing the eyes, as depicted in much [[Shunga (art)|Shunga art]], the most popular print media at the time, until the late 19th century. The fan was extensively used as a means of communication and therefore a way of flirting from the 16th century onwards in some European societies, especially [[England]] and [[Spain]]. A whole sign language was developed with the use of the fan, and even [[etiquette]] books and magazines were published. [[Charles Francis Badini]] created the Original Fanology or Ladies' Conversation Fan, which was published by William Cock in [[London]] in 1797. The use of the fan was not limited to women, as men also carried fans and learned how to convey messages with them. For instance, placing the fan near the heart meant "I love you", while opening a fan wide meant "Wait for me".<ref>{{cite web|url=http://www.avictorian.com/fanlanguage.html|publisher=Avictorian.com| title=Ladies and their Fans|access-date= 2010-06-23}}</ref> In Spain, where the use of fans (called "abanicos") is still very popular today,{{when|date=August 2018}} ladies used them to communicate with suitors or prospective suitors without attracting the notice of their families or [[Chaperone (social)|chaperons]]. This use was highly popular during the 19th and early 20th centuries.<ref>{{cite web|url=http://spainforvisitors.com/module-News-display-sid-236.htm|publisher=Spainforvisitors.com|title=The Language of the Fan|access-date=2010-06-23|archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20100626234341/http://spainforvisitors.com/module-News-display-sid-236.htm|archive-date=2010-06-26|url-status=dead}}</ref> In [[Japan]], flirting in the street or public places is known as ''[[nanpa]]''. == See also == * [[Anti-Flirt Club]] * [[Making out]] * [[Public display of affection]] * [[Wingman (social)]] == References == {{Commons category|Flirting}} {{wikiquote}} {{Wikisource|The_Royal_Path_of_Life/Flirting|A nineteenth century perspective on flirting}} {{reflist}} {{Human sexuality and sexology}} {{Human sexuality}} [[Category:Sexual attraction]] [[Category:Philosophy of love]]'